FalsettoTesla wrote:
Does anyone here forget they're a person?
To clarify, I don't think I'm a monkey, or think I'm a different person. I just forget that there is an I, that there's a line between me, and everything and everyone else. I forget that I am a thing. That I am a presence in a world that continues without me, and that people are people, and time passes and things are things.
This is getting vaguer the more I try to pin it down.
It's not like I'm floating above myself, observing things. It's not that I forget that I don't have power over all things or anything like that. It's just, like I'm empty, and there is nothing there.
I find it unsettling.
I've been in a state, where I think that I do not have a right to be a person.
That all I see is my wrongs, my guilt, that everything is my fault, and no more and no less.
That I should be persecuted, I should be punished, and whatever lashing done is never enough.
That I must beat myself, that I must beat this flaw out of my system. That I should be put out of the equation because the problem is me -- everything is just about me, me being in the right and wrong.
Then... There's a much different state, a complete opposite to that.
I've experienced in such state, as opposed to pondering or intellectually playing with the idea.
A state where one understands that everything is connected that one is a part of everything. A state that 'I' am everywhere, everything... A state that is unconditional, where time and space is meaningless, that everything is true and false.
A state that realizes that one is more than just the mind and body, that one is more than a 'person'.
While confusing, as many of my usual confusions about myself, meditation or not, I didn't forget that I'm
separate.
A part of me already knew this, a part of me accepts, a part of me awes, a part of me longs for it.
A part of me becomes hilariously bored and wanted me to get tortured, indulged or something.
A part of me is still confused, a part of me went scared out of it's existence, a part of me is also driven into insanity, a part of me denies that it's just a dream or some another weird state.
It was heck of a trip when I came to such point.