No identity/Don't know myself/Help someone utterly lost?

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Donkeybuster- Yes to the first. To the second, other than that, the shifting identity creates the problem that I don't know what to do with myself and have trouble making decisions and forming opinions. It is similar to severe boredom, but incurable. Often I just sit around listlessly after losing my previous identity, and am very apathetic.

Donkeybuster and 2wheels4ever- It was more than those specific insults, but the milder ones about how I was lazy, embarrassing, weird, didn't do something "right" socially (wrong facial expressions, too quiet, etc.) were directly from a parent. Said parent also manipulated me when I was younger, I believe, mocking me over having "problems." Ex., would be irritated by/mocking of anxiety attacks, and later, was aware that I self-injured but never directly mentioned it to me, simply slipped in snide comments to other family members. I learned how to act, so we are fine now (this parents alternates between that behavior and being overly kind/caring/affectionate when I act "normal," but I think I dislike the other side even more.)
The other comments and similar ones are quotes that were altogether worse than what I've mentioned, and direct (not what I perceived, but stated quite clearly) and were ongoing for a few years, from several people who had initially befriended me.

Oh, and 2wheels4ever, I forgot! I would form one now, but I am nearly asleep, hah. Tomorrow I will be sure to.

I don't really know.

All I can say is that your description reminds me a little of borderline personality disorder, multiple personality disorder, and disassociation.

I don't know much about any of those conditions. I'm just trying to understand your concern and help. I disassociate a bit, and I know how weird it is to see yourself as if it were something not associated with you.

I don't really believe in using potential medical conditions as ways to suppress one's self--but some of these terms might be helpful in finding a solution for you.

It might be helpful to consider history too--as I've heard that disassociation and multiple personality disorder can be temporary solutions to trauma.

This sounds to me, from my own experience, more like some of the symptoms of severe depression. The difficulty making decisions... is it a kind of mental inertia or more like seeing too many options, not knowing which one is the right one & feeling "like a deer frozen in the headlights"?

Dissociation, as mentioned by Zinia, is also a possibility. The fuzziness of memory could be indicative of that...it's a protective shutting down mechanism.



Dear god, that is severely psychologically abusive. Words cannot express my sorrow that you were/are subjected to that. No wonder you have to hide! That is actually a very reasonable response, given the horrid conditions you live in.

Do you still self-injure?



In the beginning of our lives, we tend to seek out the known. In your case, you would naturally be drawn to people who would repeat the abuse of your parents. It's not conscious on any level, so please don't beat yourself up about it. For a long time I couldn't believe people who complimented me, it always sounded fake, because I had never been complimented growing up. I've gotten over that idea!

You've come here, so you're learning to make better choices for yourself as regards the people you seek out. Especially as you are still living at home, this is a big step. It may not feel like much, but it's huge.

THIS is a big factor. Once we, or more I pick up on positive praise reinforcement the people-pleasing behaviors run rampant. I interpret from your post that family is inconsistent in how they treat you even when you have your mask on all the time. A really good friend of mine told me about being raised by alcoholic parents and he mentioned behavior patterns similar to what we here go through, the main trigger is inconsistency.

I have a better picture of where you are coming from also; with each new band I would join I would spend a lot of energy trying to learn what would make me indispensable to them and that mask would get so heavy there was no hope in wearing it forever. By the time I got 'found out and shut out' I had my identity so tightly wrapped into that band that I spent months in a fog. I can only guess this last relationship imploding was what triggered your current state

Anyway I'm glad you're utilizing WP, it's been a huge help for me. I sure wish it existed when I was your age

Relationship? Did I miss something? I don't recall a relationship ending. Other than those abusive friends, which ended some time ago.

As the possibility was raised that you might have borderline personality disorder, I asked a friend who is a therapist if she thought that was possible. After reading what you have posted her, she doesn't think so. She thinks your psychological response, as troublesome as it is, is one of the many normal responses for someone on the spectrum in an abusive family. I hope you find some reassurance in that.

I also want to say, I've been impressed by how intelligent & articulate you are. Even with all the crazy stuff, there's also a strong thread of basic sanity.

Looking forward to hearing what you find after doing wheels' list. Which, by the way, I think is a great idea, wheels.

Exactly. I'm sorry you know from experience, though.
I am very sure I have depression, but I don't know how closely related the depression and identity changing are. When I am depressed (most of the time) I don't feel as if I have one at all, it is only when I am less depressed that I form the new identity.

That seems likely. When I was younger (I began reading before school,) I do remember that I spent all of my time reading, writing, and living in different fantasy worlds. It was like I was roleplaying, only in real life, and unending. However, I don't believe that is the same as my obsessions. I think they are three separate stages: immersed in fantasy, depressed, or excited/interested when I initially have a different identity. I am fine during the last stage, but when it wears off the problems begin, as mentioned earlier: invested money/time on something I am no longer interested in, and I feel lost. Sometimes I switch directly from one to the next, other times I become depressed/apathetic for a while before picking up a new personality and interests.



It is actually slightly relieving to read that...I always wonder if I am overreacting and whether it is usual behavior for a parent.
I do occasionally- less than before, as the whole ordeal resulting from it was awful, and I am completely horrified at the thought of it somehow being noticed again (although I am careful to hide evidence.)


Thank you.

2wheels4ever- I see, good point. I agree that the inconsistency was troubling and confusing. Additionally, I already dislike being touched in general, so when said parent reverts back to the overly-sweet and affectionate personality, it is displeasing. And they attempt to make me feel guilty for not being affectionate or "loving" to them.
I am glad that you have WP now, at least. ^^

Thank you, DB! That is reassuring, and I'm touched that you would make that effort for me. I really appreciate it. Few people have attempted to genuinely help me before.

The first, inertia, is what I would consider a symptom of depression. The second is more probably related to anxiety, possibly mixed w/a little trouble prioritizing that comes from poor central coherence, a common Aspie trait.




I think it might be, just different ages. I was a reading addict, too, as a child. Then, as the child grew up & could manipulate her world more, the fascination took different routes of expression. Instead of just reading about horses & fantasizing I was my favorite character, I actually RODE horses, lived & breathed horses. I was a 1-note kid; you have not had that opportunity to express that safely. And it may be that you are naturally an Aspie who changes more frequently than I did. But it's morphed into something else because of the abuse.



Except for the frequency, I think this is the normal course of Aspie special interests. I develop what I call "the vague malaise" when a special interest ends & I become a rather dispersed person until a new interest piques my curiosity.

I am wondering if the rapid changes are a subconscious survival mechanism... you have been hunted & attacked, are still being hunted, by your abusive parent(s). A moving target is hard to hit.

Or...

It's an internalization of the statement, "You should kill yourself." So repeatedly you do as a way of trying to placate the abuser.

Do either of these ideas resonate w/you?



No, you are not overreacting. Usual isn't the best word to apply... it seems that child abuse is tragically 'usual'. But healthy? No, NO, NOOOO!! !
I'm glad to hear you've gotten a bit of a handle on the self-abuse, tho' probably not the healthiest way. My partner used to be a cutter, & w/help she worked it out of her system, so I know you will, too.

My question is, given your neurology & how you've been abused, how'd you end up so sane? Seriously. Not that you don't have problems, but man, there is some serious sanity happening in you.

Yes, the first one sounds pretty plausible. "Moving target" seems accurate. Nobody can know me well this way. I think that I am detached enough from everything and so used to consciously choosing what I want to portray, for my own protection, that I don't really understand the concept of a genuine and stable personality. I only choose my behavior based on what identity I want to adopt at the time, from a standpoint of what would be most advantageous. I believe my special interests, when they do occur, are genuine (considering how strong they are and that I truly am excited when I have one) but since I detach from them so quickly and easily, I start questioning whether I actually liked them originally.
The second may be true. I know internalized everything I was told when I was younger, but whether I still carry it with me, I am unsure. I gravitate toward self-punishment without even realizing it at times, so it is possible.



That is sad.. Agreed, not healthy. It's somewhat difficult to think that it was "wrong." I had no idea and completely blamed and hated myself, I did not even question that perhaps I am not a bad person/ not everything was my fault until a year or two ago.

Thanks. I am glad she is doing well now!

Haha, well, if you witnessed some of my lower moments, you might not think so. I have had some very bad days. They are much more frequent than good ones, but it is a fighting/problem-solving instinct. Not sure whether it is natural or developed more strongly than average due to not having help from other people, but I definitely would not be without that. Every time I have a serious low/breakdown, it's only the drive to fight it, figure out how to overcome it and intense persistence that allows me to pull myself together and back to a functioning/sane state.

I suspect there's a very stable personality w/in, nice & safe. The superficial stuff is just that, smoke & mirrors to keep you safe. You're beginning to outgrow it a bit perhaps. Yes, the special interests are genuine, but because of your history you can't commit to them (your parent taught you fear, torture, abandonment is the consequence of special interest).



So the "death" of the special interest & related personality is another way of "killing", "self-mutilation" isn't it?



We're all a little crazy, so I know how that is. I turn into a regular fire-breathing b***h, nothing & nobody suits me when I hit my lows. Or I just roll into bed & stay there for a couple of days. Less now than my early 40's... boy, those were tough years. Literally sitting in a corner, wrapped in a blanket & banging my head. Ugh. But yeah, it's the fight--I will NOT let the bastards win--that gets us through. You just keep it up!

So how's that list coming?

That's probably right. And my list is going fairly well. It is a great idea. While some that I remember are very odd and seemingly out of place, I can draw some parallels among many of them and find commonalities. I think I will work on accepting identity and interest shifts for the time being, because I like having interests and some type of identity (as rapidly changing as they are) more than being in my depressed/apathetic state.

Accepting your shifts is the way to go. I think when you get into a space where you don't have to hide & can relax a bit more, the rapidity will change. Try to see the whole cycle as something natural, like tides. Sometimes the tide goes out & our boat is stranded on the shore, but the tide ALWAYS comes back. Just accept it all & try not to hate any part of yourself. (There seem to be plenty of people who do that for us, no sense in assisting them )

I'm away for the rest of the day... have a good one!

Hey there. I used too have the same problem. I would go from being a prissy, girly-glamour girl to my good old MallGoth self. It sucks when you feel the need to be someone you're not. I faked being some girly-girl throughout high school all because I wanted to be accepted. Now that I've finally said to myself I need to dress in the way I feel most comfortable and secure. If that's dressing like a 19 year old MallGoth, that's how I should be. I plan on dressing like that for the rest of my life.

Just dress in a way you feel comfortable and be the person your most comfortable being. If people question you, just ignore them. I'm going to have to do a lot of that when I go back to school