why bother?

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Well it was better hanging out with my brother than hiding under the blanket, but yeah still didn't exactly enjoy myself. I had an appointment today my mom set up and found it to be unhelpful but since my mom will probably pay for it I set up another appointment. The entire time I was thinking 'If I had a gun I would probably shoot myself' but I didn't say that my mind wont let me.......or maybe I am just to anxious I don't know but that's how I felt.

Aw that sucks that you didn't enjoy yourself, was it because of your anxiety? I'm sorry you've been feeling like that, wish I'd never had the displeasure of feeling like that but I have many times.

Yeah mostly the anxiety I guess. But yeah at this point I feel like I should either kill myself or just make myself 'functional' with drugs and kinda you know just suck it up and find some way to make money.

I mean I have a therapy appointment next week, but what is there to talk about? what is talking going to help. Besides if I have money I can feed the habit and slowly kill myself anyways. I think if I can just get the next dosage up on the clonozepam that should take care of the anxiety and I should be able to function better and find some way to make a living.

I was stupid to think the system's help is even worth anything....I mean I don't have goals, the therapist I went to this last week asked me what my goals were and all I could come up with was get out of my moms house. I was pissed when she suggested any help to 'conform to the norm' so I can have friends. I would have mentioned I have some friends but they have kind of dark pasts, you could say not exactly crap I have any business telling her about or talking about publicly.

I got another appointment next week , don't think it will help just hope I can stand another hour with her without getting triggered. By what seems to be he excessive caffeine use which causes really fast questions before I can even answer anything very well. It was hard enough not getting a little fed up the first time. I will just tell her I can't afford anymore sessions after this next one since I really don't want to be a b*** about it and say 'your therapy makes me want to shoot myself'. Then again if I can't get a better dosage of clonozepam I don't know if I can handle my anxiety well enough to attempt to work and feel like doing that anyways due to everything else that causes me stress and sick of waiting on the stupid SSI process.

Sorry to hear things are so difficult to you. I'm not sure drugs can ever really fix things, though they can help in certain situations. I don't think functioning via drugs should be the alternative to suicide - isthere anything else that could help you?

Finding a job and place of your own sound like very good goals to have, and though they may be difficult to achieve, they certainly sound possible. Talking and therapy often seemed pointless to me too - I had real problems - talking wasn't going to help! Are you working towards changing your situation? Job seeking (as long as it doesn't get you down when it gets depressing) for example, or planning how things will be when you move out. Things like that might make you feel that positive change is possible.

I think you should tell your therapist she's making thing worse though. She should know if she's making you feel that way!

I know this post isn't that helpful (since talking isn't really, is it?) but wanted to check in anyway. Hope you're hanging on.

Well its what doctors prescribe anyways, and supposedly that combined with therapy is supposed to help, but I have not found any of that talk or CBT therapy helpful, I just find those approaches frustrating. Anyways I would probably be better off with a medical marijuana prescription or if it actually gets legalized in my state. I don't know I really don't see much reason to live, don't exactly have any suicide plans but this existence does seem pretty pointless.

And both cause me to drink even less since it lowers my alcohol tolerance so I guess that is a good thing, I know it says in the instructions not to drink but all it does is increase drowsiness and I don't exactly feel like never having a drink I like to here and there. But yeah at least I don't really find myself drinking to feel better though I don't know if klonopin and mirtazapine are any healthier, its hard to find much information on all the negative effects and possible long term negative effects.