Cool I feel like sh*t.

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Ok this is embarrassing but I am basically a hippy who want to jump on the violation of states rights on grounds of the federal governments reactions to my state legalizing marijuana. I want to stand up for my states rights but I am afraid, don't know if I can do it I want to try though. Its just frustrating feeling like I cant handle any intense situations. But at the same time I know I can react well in those situations it will just torture me later. But maybe I just have to accept that, that I can help people but i will suffer the torture they would have otherwise.

I mean watch the last few scenes of LOTR 3 and that may help describe it, but its like basically even if I get what I wanted along I wont be able to enjoy it but being part of the reason others can is something to keep me going for a while.

Sweet Pea hugs

Wish I was dead to stop causing problems, but maybe I just need help.....dont know just hard to try and admit when most everyone else is able to use alcohol to cope.

Very very hard, I've been wishing that I could numb myself but I've made a promise and anyway its only a temporary fix, I need a permanent one.

*Hugs* Sweetleaf. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are trying to cope with things that would overwhelm even the strongest person. I wish there was a way you could get access to prescription anti-depressants. I think they would help you to cope. I don't know you IRL, but from reading your posts, I think you're a strong person.

Well I basically pissed off my best friend, not sure he even ever wants to see my face again let alone talk to me and I left some important things at his house......pissed off my mom, her boyfriend, my brother my sister so yeah I'm pretty much a piece of s**t.

I've noticed that when I am at my most vulnerable and needing help, people often withdraw from me and get irritated. I think it's because they feel frustrated that they can't really do anything to help.
If you did piss them off, give them some space for a while and they'll get over it.

well just to update, I'm not dead...after my last post in this thread I had my mom bring me to the hospital....and hopefully I am getting out tommorrow its voluntary so that shouldn't be an issue. uhh just sick of being here but feeling a bit better over all and will come up with a follow up plan thing to keep getting therapy and such I just hope I am not misinformed of still being 'voluntary' status just a little concerned cause I freaked out a bit a couple times didn't really do much damage to anything but yeah I just hope i didn't screw myself over with that but I imagine they would inform me if my stay wasn't still voluntary...so yeah that is what's going on with all this.

Glad to hear you are still alive and are feeling better. I was in the hospital for two weeks once. The first week was great, the second, not so much. Hope you're back home soon! *Hugs*

Yeah I hope so to...I am voluntarily here though so tommorrow I am going to at least get the discharge process started, just hoping I don't end up stuck here over the weekend but since tommorrow is friday that may end up happening, hoping to potentially leave tommorrow evening though.

I suppose to be honest I feel if I am here much longer my voluntary status might change, since I got all the help I can get here and have a plan of getting therapy and such after I leave staying here is likely to trigger me since I don't feel I need to be here any longer. But I probably shouldn't worry myself to death if i do end up stuck here through the weekend so be it...I suppose just really hoping not to. I mean now I am not really depressed about myself more sad because I miss everyone and have only got to visit my mom and dad not together since they are divorced but yeah just sort of missing the outside is what I am mostly sad about now.

It was like that in my second week - I felt that they had done all they could for me. Hope they discharge you tonight, but if they don't try not to worry about it. It's not forever. I'm glad you are going to seek therapy, etc. after. Try not to be too sad, you are taking care of yourself and trying to deal with your problems - good for you!

Not been here long, but trying to get to know ppl a little better etc - so please tell me if its not my business etc -

Sweetleaf - you sound like your in a lot of hurt right now, but from a complete outsider perspective, if i were in your shoes, and i have been in alot of really rubbish places over the years, I would be considering what i really wanted out of life in general, and trying like hell to get it. Youve got as much right to be here as any, more so in terms of how you think, and feel. Life isnt easy - its also not fair, and much as the NT's try to sugar coat everything with their books and their movies, you wont get what you want without a bloody hard fight.
Your gonna make casualties along the way - some ppl you are going to hurt even if you try not to. But thats ok - only you get the pleasure of living with yourself afterwards
It comes down to a matter of guilt too - can you live with hurting some ppl, to make yourself happy? Im talking emotionally here - and ive left alot of ppl unhappy - because you cant let them drag you down with them :/

uhh I somehow deleted my post, well I will try again in the morning I am just glad to be out of the psych ward...got concerned my voluntary status was going to get revoked a couple times.....and I will attempt the rest of what I posted in the morning as i am tired and hopefully can get to sleep. too tired to type that again right now.

Glad to see you got out, saw that you got bored. Hope ya feel okay in the morning.

I did feel ok this morning, but I've felt weird since like 2:30 pm and its 10:27 pm. except for a short amount of time in between there because I smoked some cannabis and it helped with that also since one of my prescriptions increases the risk of seizures the cannabis should help prevent brain damage if that does happen legal in my state now so whatever, way better than klonopin and booze...don't know if I am just F***d up or if its the medications they prescribed me or the continuing lack of enough sleep I got prescribed something for that but decided not to take that since it didn't help at all in 6 days and I didn't want to increase the risk of 'withdrawl' symptoms, since every pharmacutical says 'don't suddenly quit this medication once your used to it.' which to me kind of is the same thing as 'this drug is addictive and if you use it for a long while you'll get withdrawl symptoms' so yeah didn't help and has potentially dangerous side effects I'd rather not risk.

And yeah some of my earlier posts in this thread don't even make sense to me, and I am the one who put them there. I feel rather physically and mentally exausted yet I can hardly seem to sleep if I do it seems to be early hours of the morning and then I just have weird lingering unpleasant dreams that suck. But such is life for now I guess. I hardly want to do anything otherwise I am just neutral since I might as well do something other than stare at nothing while forgetting what exactly I am even looking at, so if someone suggests something that sounds tolerable I might go with or participate or whatever other than that I don't quite know what to do with myself.

alright well I should quit rambling about all this for now or I will think about all this crap too much and have a harder time trying to sleep.