dear aspergers i hate you

Post Reply New Topic

I feel like this quite often. My AS mixed with four other conditions (Tourettes, ADHD, OCD & dyspraxia) means that I am quite disabled and unable to do a lot of things. Some days I just kind of think, 'yes this is stuck with me for life so I need to get on with it' but other days I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I hate all five of my conditions because they make my life so difficult. At the same time I would not want to be exactly like everyone else, just a little less different.

_________________
I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite )

I understand. I hate everything about it. It is one of the many things that ruined my life. I cant stand how people think I should like my self like that. I have to fight it because it will ruin me if I dont. I remember I used to behave awkward and think it was ok. When I look back im actually glad my father yelled at me and called me all those names like freak or loser etc and insulted me. because if he didn't I wouldn't be a good person to everyone else's standards

I cant stand when people tell me I was given a gift because A gift is not meant to make your life more harder. It is stressful enough but its worse when people remind me how "great" it is. The dumbest line was put this gift to good use which doesn't make any sence. People said I would be smart but I felt good and then my NT sister rocketed past me with her super brain. I also have the not good enough attiude which doesn't help. If I had the choices of being honest of who I really am and accepting myself or putting my hands on a belt sander I would pick the second one anytime.

I actually think being on the autism spectrum has made me a kinder and more forgiving person. (That sounds really cheesy). It is because I've always been misunderstood, excluded and bullied that I have compassion for a lot of people I might not otherwise have cared about. It is because I have struggled with things that others take for granted that I am more understanding of ways in which others struggle, and I am more generous with others. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not.

I don't think that people for whom life has always come easy can ever really understand the experience of exclusion and struggle the way people who have had genuine difficulties can. (I'd be happy to be proven wrong on this). I've observed that naturally charismatic, intelligent, likable and confident people have a smoother path through life in general. And they tend to assume that everyone else has an equally smooth path. So then they assume that anyone who is having difficulty with life, social skills or processing is just not trying hard enough. So I think there's something quite valuable about the depth of understanding and compassion that comes from the experience of having been the outcast.

I was also surprised to find out that a lot of naturally confident NTs have a moment of realisation over the fact that outcasts are people with feelings too. Up until then, they don't really think of outsiders as real people. I thought everyone always understood that outsiders were people with feelings, but it's apparently quite a revelation for a lot of NTs.

I definitely don't mean to say that being outcast has had no ill effects on me at all. For a long time, I thought the effects were more bad than good. Now I'm starting to think of them as more equal. I think this is because recently I've met a lot of those sort of naturally confident and charming NT people-and I've seen how that lack of experience of difficulty and exclusion has affected how they treat others. They've had an easier path through life, so they're less forgiving of others. And it's only been since meeting them that I've truly decided that I'd rather go through life with Asperger's than without.

I have AS and HFA given they are not both the same thing I have been diagnosed with both and at times it has its good sides but at other times it has its really bad sides like meltdowns and anxiety attacks as well as self harm. It might be possible that I have depression as well but either way it sucks.

I used to hate having it and now I accept it. I feel normal most of the time and I don't care about the norm and I think normal is over rated. If I could get rid of some things about myself, it be anxiety and learning problems and my shyness. My AS still embarrasses me at times because I can't always hide it and keep it inside. I hate how I seem normal and then all of a sudden I act like I am not because of my anxiety. My husband is the only person I let it out. I have my moments around my parents still and I don't talk about my obsessions anymore with them except for with my husband. He is the brunt of all my symptoms while with everyone else I hide them. It's just too embarrassing while with my husband I feel more comfortable being my true self. I can't imagine having a partner who wouldn't accept me so I would have to hide around him too. I know they would still come out since I have my moments. I have been hiding myself since 4th grade because of the judgments I was getting from other kids. It used to be lot of work and now I have gotten so used to it, it's not so hard anymore and I quit caring what people think and I don't really think about it anymore. But I still hide because it's so embarrassing. I think that is why it doesn't burn me out or why it's not lot of work. But it does make me question myself. Isn't the whole point of having it is it's hard to hide it and "fake it?" If you find it all so easy, then you don't have it nor is it an impairment? I could relate to that hidden autistics article about that man who didn't meet the aspie criteria and only his wife noticed his autism because she had to be the brunt of it because she lives with him. But yet no one would ever guess he had it and even the doctors wouldn't know. I know I have borderline AS. I have met some other borspies as well, three at my local group. I embrace that and consider myself lucky. Same as for not having very many problems. Perhaps that man in the article is a borspie and even though "faking it" isn't hard for him but he still can't do it 24/7 like I can't either.