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I know what she's doing is "destructive". I feel like I can't just drop her as a friend though. She was the first person I met coming into college, and helped me out a lot freshmen year socially. I lived with her and her now-ex for 2 years while they were still dating. I'm also the one who introduced the two of them. It's not so easy to just cut someone like that out of your life over a few nights' worth of drunken indiscretions.
Thanks for the background on this friendship, it's a relevant factor to be sure. But, I can hear that you are aware that she is not currently acting in the best interests of her close friends in this context and that you are starting to apply your trust in her conditionally.
I think this is huge step for an aspie; you have moved out of black & white thinking and into a gray area in this relationship. You're processing it congruently to the, apparent, conflicting intentions of this young woman.
I am not using the term 'gray area' negatively or positively; I'm using it as a neutral term. I believe that aspies tend to suffer significantly from not being able to function within gray areas. Unconditional trust, for example, is a luxury not often afforded in life without suffering significant negative consequences. Conditional trust (functioning within the gray area) takes more work and attention. It involves tracking and judging the actions of those around us and responding with congruent
levels of trust. Plus, it fluctuates within time as relationships play out. (As opposed to either; employing only unconditional trust or complete withdrawal of any trust whatsoever.)
One of the things I've learned on this website (through the honest generosity of it's participants) is that tracking live interpersonal action is
much harder work for aspies than it is for NTs (for whom it is fairly automatic). I don't think this is the basis of black & white thinking, but I can appreciate the problem of applying 'gray area' congruency for folks who can't track interpersonal action fluently in live time.
By the way, black & white thinking is not just particular to aspies; one of my therapists pounded away on this with me at some length; much to my benefit..............e v e n t - u - a - l - l - y.
PS: Add to this, the same therapist also pounded away at my all-or-nothing responses to relationships and situations, also to my great benefit.
24 Feb 2013, 1:53 am
