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Tyri0n
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14 Feb 2013, 1:26 am

EstherJ wrote:
I'm not functioning.

I'm in a multiple day long shutdown.

Everything is ending. The world is going to pieces. I can't function. Everythings going wrong. The world hurts. I can't make it.

No one cares. I'm worthless it's all hopeless. Life is a slap in the face. Everthing is torture. Someone please help me. I want to die.

I feel like im in hell.


I have been like this but am not currently like this. I feel for you. Would be happy to chat if you want. Send a PM. :-)

You honestly sound like me when I first started college, including the eating problems/excessive weight loss issues.



EstherJ
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14 Feb 2013, 5:34 pm

I'm doing a little better, but I almost slipped into another episode again.


I'm afraid people are going to think that I just want attention. That's what everyone says and its not true.



CockneyRebel
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14 Feb 2013, 9:20 pm

Sweet Pea hugsImage

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EstherJ
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15 Feb 2013, 1:35 am

Having another shutdown.

This is decidedly not good.

I have something due in the morning.

Why can't I have shutdowns when they wouldn't get in the way.

Why do people have to forget about me?

Why can't my body do what I want it to?

What's going on?



EstherJ
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15 Feb 2013, 1:36 am

It's not my fault.

It's decidedly not my fault.

I won't let it be my fault.

No one can tell me that its my fault.



alpineglow
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15 Feb 2013, 8:28 am

I've been where you describe EstherJ. Have you called anyone for help? Keep a word here to tell how things are going. I'm hoping it eases soon.



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15 Feb 2013, 8:38 am

EstherJ wrote:
Then, because I'm so slow, my executive function goes down. And I forget to eat. Or I'm too depressed or nauseous or overstimulated to eat. So, my blood sugar drops (I have hypoglycemia). Then, I get even more emotional, and irrational, because my brain doesn't have the glucose to function. And, CONVENIENTLY, the cafeteria at my school is late on getting food out, and I am ready to pass out, halfway catatonic, low blood sugar, and I have a class soon, in the middle of a crowded room, and I can't communicate.


Do you carry sugary snacks with you that you can quickly eat when you know your blood sugar is getting low?
You can suck on hard candy or something while you're waiting for your food at the cafeteria.
I've seen someone just empty sugar packets in their mouth when their blood sugar was low. You can do that too.



pezar
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15 Feb 2013, 1:39 pm

Yuzu wrote:
EstherJ wrote:
Then, because I'm so slow, my executive function goes down. And I forget to eat. Or I'm too depressed or nauseous or overstimulated to eat. So, my blood sugar drops (I have hypoglycemia). Then, I get even more emotional, and irrational, because my brain doesn't have the glucose to function. And, CONVENIENTLY, the cafeteria at my school is late on getting food out, and I am ready to pass out, halfway catatonic, low blood sugar, and I have a class soon, in the middle of a crowded room, and I can't communicate.


Do you carry sugary snacks with you that you can quickly eat when you know your blood sugar is getting low?
You can suck on hard candy or something while you're waiting for your food at the cafeteria.
I've seen someone just empty sugar packets in their mouth when their blood sugar was low. You can do that too.


I've seen tubes of glucose solution at my local pharmacy; hypoglycemics use those as a quick blood sugar pick me up. They might be expensive though. It sounds like you have a real, definable PHYSICAL problem, Esther. You need to get to a real doctor, not a campus clinic but a real MD. Campus clinics usually have just a poorly trained nurse on staff, who is usually no help at all. You need to be seen by a doctor. NOW, you are shutting down at least once a day apparently, you need to make sure that your body is not being damaged even more than it already is. It is not "your fault", you have a medical issue, and you need to be seen by a doctor. You need to go to the emergency room if you have to, but GET HELP NOW!



EstherJ
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15 Feb 2013, 6:10 pm

It's not blood sugar....
I have shutdowns whether I eat or not.

What kind of physical problem do you mean? It comes and goes....like a stress response....



pezar
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15 Feb 2013, 8:49 pm

EstherJ wrote:
It's not blood sugar....
I have shutdowns whether I eat or not.

What kind of physical problem do you mean? It comes and goes....like a stress response....


I thought it was the blood sugar, but it may be a stress response. You need to get seen by a doctor to determine what is really wrong with you. Armchair diagnosing from people on an internet forum won't cut it. Please, go and go to a doctor and get some help. We're all rooting for you.



EstherJ
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18 Feb 2013, 6:57 pm

My therapist thinks it might have something partially to do with blood sugar. Thus....no more skipping meals.

I ALMOST shut down again today, trying to keep that from happening but the stuff just keeps piling on.

I feel like I'm a burden, useless, and annoying. Everyone is tired of hearing about my problems - those whom I talk to. But if I don't talk to them, who? I have to let it out somehow, with a physical, tangible human being.

I'm terrified that if I let my shutdowns, my blood sugar, and my impending diagnosis of a chronic illness get to me, that it will destroy my life completely.

I'm scared.



pezar
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18 Feb 2013, 9:55 pm

EstherJ wrote:
My therapist thinks it might have something partially to do with blood sugar. Thus....no more skipping meals.

I ALMOST shut down again today, trying to keep that from happening but the stuff just keeps piling on.

I feel like I'm a burden, useless, and annoying. Everyone is tired of hearing about my problems - those whom I talk to. But if I don't talk to them, who? I have to let it out somehow, with a physical, tangible human being.

I'm terrified that if I let my shutdowns, my blood sugar, and my impending diagnosis of a chronic illness get to me, that it will destroy my life completely.

I'm scared.


Seek help. NOW! Do it, before you decide to kill yourself, you have talked about going to some sort of tall tower and fantasizing about jumping off. You sound clinically depressed in addition to the rest of the stuff wrong with you, but don't take my word for it. See a doctor, see a psychiatrist too. You need help. If you succumb, everybody will say the same things they always say..."why didn't she tell us?" "why didn't we listen to her?" "what could we have done?" NTs can be cruel, but the flip side of that is that they feel incredible remorse when they are a little TOO cruel and somebody they've tormented jumps off a bridge. Get help.



EstherJ
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18 Feb 2013, 11:04 pm

pezar wrote:
EstherJ wrote:
My therapist thinks it might have something partially to do with blood sugar. Thus....no more skipping meals.

I ALMOST shut down again today, trying to keep that from happening but the stuff just keeps piling on.

I feel like I'm a burden, useless, and annoying. Everyone is tired of hearing about my problems - those whom I talk to. But if I don't talk to them, who? I have to let it out somehow, with a physical, tangible human being.

I'm terrified that if I let my shutdowns, my blood sugar, and my impending diagnosis of a chronic illness get to me, that it will destroy my life completely.

I'm scared.


Seek help. NOW! Do it, before you decide to kill yourself, you have talked about going to some sort of tall tower and fantasizing about jumping off. You sound clinically depressed in addition to the rest of the stuff wrong with you, but don't take my word for it. See a doctor, see a psychiatrist too. You need help. If you succumb, everybody will say the same things they always say..."why didn't she tell us?" "why didn't we listen to her?" "what could we have done?" NTs can be cruel, but the flip side of that is that they feel incredible remorse when they are a little TOO cruel and somebody they've tormented jumps off a bridge. Get help.


I am getting help. I see a therapist regularly, and currently am not feeling suicidal. I'm also going to a doctor for a host of other issues. The tower that I once fantasized about jumping off of is inaccessible. It doesn't mean that I don't have my days, but I'm not counting pills anymore, at least. I am clinically depressed; have been since I was 13. I wish NTs would say that now...not later.



DVCal
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01 Mar 2013, 1:42 am

A quick question, but since you mention lack of appetite, low blood sugar, do you have low blood pressure as well? If so have you looked into Adreno-Insufficiency Syndrome?



EstherJ
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01 Mar 2013, 8:16 am

DVCal wrote:
A quick question, but since you mention lack of appetite, low blood sugar, do you have low blood pressure as well? If so have you looked into Adreno-Insufficiency Syndrome?


Incredibly low blood pressure. Nurses rejoice when they see it....I don't think that they think it could be a problem. But I also most likely have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia) which means my blood pressure and heart rate shoot up when I stand up or sit up. I'm not fat or out of shape - I've been very healthy and relatively fit in that way my whole life.

We are checking my adrenals.