Love yourself to make others love you?

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Ann2011
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03 Mar 2013, 7:27 pm

Hopetobe wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
Hopetobe wrote:
I would say that we need to love ourselves to feel good and be happy. But saying that if you won´t, others will not love you is kinda cruel :( .

It's cruel but it's true. You have to believe in yourself before anyone else will believe in you. Even people you care about.

I thought only NTs feel this way.

Not so much of a feeling as a learned truism.

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Does that also mean that if you are bullied, ostracized etc. it´s your fault?

No; I don't think so. It's still the bullies' fault.

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I´m tired of the world where you have to be (or have to pretend to be) strong, perfect, flawless, happy, where you can´t affort to show weaknes.

I know; it sucks.

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And also, dogs are better than people in this. If you have a dog, you know that your dog loves you unconditionally, doesn´t judge you for who you are, doesn´t care about anything else than how you behave to him/her. Humans should takes example from dogs in this.

Dogs need unconditionally; don't mistake this for love. They are adept at getting a response from you. A dog who you have kicked doesn't love you even though it acts like it.



Sweetleaf
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03 Mar 2013, 7:39 pm

Well if one does not kick their dog and treats it well, the dog certainly will love them.....of course a mistreated dog isn't going to love the person mistreating it. Actually my friend once took someones dog because the person was basically abusing the dog and so the dog jumped in my friends car....guy called the cops to say my friend was taking his dog so the cop shows up and said 'well, looks like it's his dog not yours' to the owner since the dog wanted to go with my friend.


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Hopetobe
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03 Mar 2013, 7:41 pm

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Dogs need unconditionally; don't mistake this for love. They are adept at getting a response from you. A dog who you have kicked doesn't love you even though it acts like it.

Yes, of course. Dogs don´t like their abusive owners. I would say their love is not really unconditional, but conditional to how you behave to them -and they feel the affection of the owner, I know they do. What I wanted to say was their conditions for love are the right ones, unlike people´s conditions.



Ann2011
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03 Mar 2013, 7:59 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
....guy called the cops to say my friend was taking his dog so the cop shows up and said 'well, looks like it's his dog not yours' to the owner since the dog wanted to go with my friend.

Nice! The dog should get to choose.

Hopetobe wrote:
What I wanted to say was their conditions for love are the right ones, unlike people´s conditions.

People have a survival instinct. That's why when someone is depressed they often become more isolated (because people respond to their negative vibes.)
I don't think love is unconditional. I wouldn't let someone drag me down with them even if I loved them. And I wouldn't want to drag anyone down with me.



Sweetleaf
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03 Mar 2013, 8:32 pm

Well since dogs have been brought up I may as well mention cats. I can't figure out is if cats actually love their people or if they just love being loved, maybe both.


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kirostun
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03 Mar 2013, 8:49 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Well since dogs have been brought up I may as well mention cats. I can't figure out is if cats actually love their people or if they just love being loved, maybe both.

I have two cats and they seem to love me when they are hungry, when not, not much.



conundrum
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04 Mar 2013, 12:45 am

I always heard that saying in a slightly different way: "you must love yourself first before you can give love to someone else."

I'm not sure if that's much better, or true...just putting in my $0.02.


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Mishra2012
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09 Mar 2013, 6:04 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
Hopetobe wrote:
I would say that we need to love ourselves to feel good and be happy. But saying that if you won´t, others will not love you is kinda cruel :( .

It's cruel but it's true. You have to believe in yourself before anyone else will believe in you. Even people you care about.


Can't say I totally agree, why should someone be 'un-loved' just because they aren't in a position to 'believe in them self...and then where are they even supposed to get that ability with no support. So not so sure it's exactly 'true' for everyone...unless I just think my close family members actually care if what you say is true then they are faking.

Must I point out:
Image

social comes before self esteem, so if one rather than being supported is bullied and ostracized for instance they aren't able to appropriately gain self esteem since some sort of acceptance or social support comes first. It would appear humans don't do so well in isolation so to speak.


People I have tole this deny it, are totally ignorant on the subject and some become angry.. Good to see a pyramid for it.

OP I have witnessed people that loath themselves find someone that loves them or is infatuated with them and doing all they can to be with them... I have seen some VERY lazy and irresponsible people get break after break spouse after spouse while putting their children on the back burner all of this on top of their low self esteem and low levels of self respect... I have also seen people that truly liked and loved themselves get torn down from rejection, ridicule...being outcasted...social "failure" I am one of those people.


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DialAForAwesome
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11 Mar 2013, 9:27 am

Ichinin wrote:
Its a load of crap said by people who can walk out the door and find someone to love just by going to the store.


This.

You're very wise, Ichinin.


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meems
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11 Mar 2013, 9:56 am

There is no making anyone love anyone. But if someone loves you, it is true that it makes it hard for them if you don't accept yourself. I mean when I love someone and they hate themselves, even my friends, I feel like... I value them so much and they can't even see how beautiful and wonderful and amazing they are and it is almost painful.

I think that's where that saying comes from... if you don't love you, how is anyone else ever going to get the chance to... I guess.


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Radiofixr
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11 Mar 2013, 10:19 am

If people look at you and want nothing to do with you because of your looks and they never find out what kind of a person you really are-you can be the most lovable and loving person but if they cant get past appearances how will they ever find that out about you-they will avoid you and reject you no matter how much you may be comfortable and love yourself-you can dress nice and carry yourself with confidence or not and still be avoided -I have been hurt in that way and it makes it difficult to find friends and any kind of relationship out there. Then there are those that do not like you for many different reasons like cultural differences or education level or because of your occupation-how do you work against that sort of thing-we do what we do for a living-if we like what we do why should anyone have to change.People say "well if they do not like you then they are not worth knowing" but what if you really like the other person-it is all very complex.


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alpineglow
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11 Mar 2013, 10:51 am

^ agree with this.
The Maslow pyramid is good to read again, thanks, Sweetleaf. I like the clear, logical reminder of what's missing in my life. I have always tried to leap to the top of the pyramid while having the other levels missing huge chunks. Guess I just will try to continue my creativity, despite not making any real life sense. :shrug:
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conundrum
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11 Mar 2013, 1:31 pm

meems wrote:
There is no making anyone love anyone. But if someone loves you, it is true that it makes it hard for them if you don't accept yourself. I mean when I love someone and they hate themselves, even my friends, I feel like... I value them so much and they can't even see how beautiful and wonderful and amazing they are and it is almost painful.

I think that's where that saying comes from... if you don't love you, how is anyone else ever going to get the chance to... I guess.


Seconded. I know exactly what that feels like...sadly enough.


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He acts without unnecessary speech,
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