I wanna commit suicide

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Girly girls are the cutest. Dress up games is adorable. I don't see this as a bad thing at all. If anyone is telling you it is they need to stop hating the fact you have found what makes you happy.

Call 911 or speak to someone you care about about these thoughts. Please.

PokemonChampionIris, please post and let us know you are okay.

Hi, i'm back...I ended up going to The Emergancy Room over said issue, and, was gaven some medicines and stuff but they still don't have avalable beds to hospitalize me at the syche yet. Just so you know, This Is PokemonChampionIris, I wanted to use my other account now, based around my undying love for Riku from the Kingdom Hearts games, since i wasn't sure you could name change, anyways, to post my return and that i'm okay.

I have had to been banned from the other computer now over the other day for awile and i'm becoming rather terrified of going on any video game forums anymore, as they cloud my meaning of 'right and wrong' and then I take everything out of context. I see nice people who like violent video games (or seem to) on a video game forum and then I INSIST that it MUST BE A REQUIREMENT, to LIKE VIOLENCE, to be a kind, non-abusive person. This causes me insanity as I actually don't take too well to violence in media at all, and, i've even attacked my family over it at times....

About the 'girly girl' thing; I kept hearing, all over the net, that girly girls were violent, horrable people, or, something and that made me believe i'll be a violent, horrable person too if i am 'girly' and like girly things. And, if I play dress up games, i'm really putting clothes on YOUNG MURDERERS!! ! the pain and confusion this causes my brain in severe, i've been wanting to end my life over it for awile now, just the very NOTION that a person who seems to just like to dress up and be pretty and likes pretty things could be an abusive of other living beings (people count!! !) makes me wanna leave this world. It makes no sense to me AT ALL yet it appers the evedince of such a monster exsisting is everywhere.

After this post, I suddenly feel I need to go the the ER again, I wish they would keep me, I may need to talk to my mom to explain the erganceness of my condision to them better. I don't know how much longer I can live with this insanity and i'm still too scared to fully adtept suicidal actions yet. Death is frighting to face. But there doesn't apper to be any options left for me, not in this town, anyways. Our hospital systum is horrable, they can't hospitalize me even though i'm behound regular autistic. I might just be boardering complete insanity. And, everyday, i'm in my house, suffering more and more, without the right treatment. And my concience bothers me over EVERYTHING. And I really don't like the kind of person I am. But I can't become a tomboy, 'cuz I think thats even more wrong. Everytime I hear a gun shoot on a screen, I just wanna rip my brains out....

Why am I not dead yet? Why....

I'm even afraid to give out my address for proper help....and seeing my neaurologist may not be soon enouth....though no medication seems to help lessen my pain.....the only one i haven't tried yet is navene, which, my mother dissagree's with putting me on badly as it'll zombiefy my brain and i'll never be the same again.

But maybe thats the only option left for me. To be like a human zombie now, so maybe my pain can no longer scrap at me like it does any longer....

You may have a condition which requires meds, such as severe bipolar disorder. I feel for your struggle as I've been close to bipolars before and understand the hell they go through. However some of them manage to straighten up their meds regimen and they actually function quite well after that, without psychotic or ultra-depressive episodes.

You're in the process of discovery of how to manage whatever chemical imbalance is off with your brain. I hope you find a decent doctor.

And please, please don't read so many Internet forums. Many of them are filled with vile trolls who screw with volatile minds. Internet is not real life, not even close. It may benefit you to spend more time in nature and less time on forums.

I knew people on the spectrum with similar problems. For example, I had a friend who used to get very upset if you talked about fictional characters because he was certain that they were real people. He wasn't hallucinating or anything - he just took everything so literally that he had no idea how to tell if someone was telling the truth or not (good news - he learned how to discern the difference and is much better).

It might not even be schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever everyone else was suggesting. It could easily be a symptom of your autism that is causing you this much distress. Whatever it is, you are clearly distressed and you do need help. I think it's really terrible that you are unable to voluntarily section yourself when you are suffering from a crisis. It might either be a case of being persistent with them or going to a different place to get treatment (even if it means moving out).

Incidentally, I don't think you are a bad person who will become a murderer or become abusive to people. I think you are extremely conscientious and empathetic. Thus far, I have never heard of a serial killer who worries that they will hurt people. You don't sound like you are abusive or cruel and, speaking as a tomboy who knows plenty of girly girls, there's no reason why being girly would make you a bad person. Also, almost everyone in our age group has played and/or still plays pokemon, so don't worry about it.