I am hurting
25 Nov 2013, 9:07 am
People are refractory to differences, I don't believe that raising awareness about Asperger's syndrome will make drastic difference in our lifetime. Gays and lesbians have been advocating their difference for centuries and still, there are fighting for it. They are still fighting for their rights although they have the advantage of having good communication skills. Do you really believe that Aspie people will be seen one day as something else but weirdos or sick people? It will be less stressing to just shut up and just put on a NT facade and that's probably what most of us will continue to do.
I am from the French West Indies. In the Caribbean.
There you have to be loud, out-going and highly knowledgeable of social cues. If you are not following strictly what is expected from you socially, it is considered that you are not following them on purpose, to be hurtful to people. You have to do what is right, even if you don't have a clue why. For example, my grand-mother has been very sick for years, loosing her sanity, her memory and her hearing. Making communication with her a terrible hassle even for NTs. It was expected from me to call and communicate with her on a regular basis and it was putting me through panic attacks. So I stopped calling and I got pure manifestations of hatred for not doing it, I have been rejected by my close relatives for not doing it. They actually do not communicate with me anymore because of this. I dread going back home now, when I do travel back there, I do not go out, I don't meet anybody anymore and of course, it is seen as being done to hurt people because I was acting so NT before. That's just one example, but I think that, in my case, behaving NT for so long was a major mistake.
No, I don't think things will change anytime soon. The 'information & insight' I spoke of will for the most part only be for autistics and the professionals in the field.
There are probably a few similiarities with the gay community, but overall it is not the same situation. One is sexual preference and the other mental dysfunction.
Family expectations are still fairly strong in the Caribbean I know. I have spent some time there. But they are the same in many parts of the world, while in other places the family system erodes. But it is strong I believe because it has been the main support system for humanity for many thousands of years. It was what humans had before Auto, Medical and Life Insurance. What they had before Unemployment benefits, etc, etc. It was like a central bank that all were expected to contribute to and then could rely on in difficult circumstances.
And it is true that Aspie tendencies often put you at odds with that, and it will often be mis-interpreted as selfishness or aloofness.
But autism is not as bad as some things that can happen to you or some things you can be born with. Life can be compared to a game of cards. You can't control which cards you are dealt. And over worrying about it, resenting the unfairness will not do any good. It is only up to you, what you will do with the cards you have.
25 Nov 2013, 12:15 pm
Dear Adele
I received my diagnosis of AS when I was 40. It wasn't so much like getting a label but getting enlightened (or at least waking up)
It has been mentioned about the greif process with respect to coming to terms with integrating the understanding of AS. My experience of
grief in this context was profound. The grief I felt was overwhelming.
It's very hard how to put into words the grief of letting go of the part of you you always thought was you only to experience that it was not you. .......well, that's how the grief process started for me.
Slowly, very slowly, I gradually realized that that part of me I call me true Self was always there all along. Some people might call this their soul. Those of a more atheistic persuasion could call it their deeper Self. I don't think it's important what we call it, but I do think it is of great value to listen to its calling within us. In so doing we can rediscover our true identity.
I was very protective of my diagnosis / enlightenment at first, like holding a baby with very over proactive hands.
Now, over six years have passed and I hold the understanding of myself as a man in the autistic spectrum significantly more gently. In other words, it doesn't define who I am. My true Self is beyond any neurological difference or psychological conditioning.
However, until I was able to hold with loving awareness my past hurts and unconscious denial of my autism I was always destined to be driven by them.
I learned the hard way that as hard as I tried I was unable to move beyond my limitations until I could start to call them by their rightful name. Then, and only then, could I start the process of grieving and then moving beyond my limiting and protected way I had lived up to that point.
The grieving process was the grease that lubricated the squeaky gate that lead to happiness.
Working with feelings and emotions for many in the autistic spectrum is very challenging. Many of us find it so difficult to work with therapists and 'professionals'. I was fortunate in that being a quaker and very committed to contemplative practice I found a way through the maze of intense greif, beyond the intellect and into the heart and guts of my suffering.
I also found a wonderfully gifted psychotherapist who was highly skilled in offering post diagnosis support. I couldn't do this alone.
I often feel for people, when I hear them express deep regret with parts of their life. In my experience, it is the people who find meaning in their suffering that find freedom.
I found freedom through letting my tears flow and take me beyond my hurt.
Wishing you well in your journey.
With love.
