Suicidal ideation....get it out of my head.

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Yeah I may have jumped the gun a little with that last post....the whole thing was stressful even though the decision is favorable. So yeah I got kinda hyper focused on the payee thing. But maybe its not so horrible, I'd probably just have my mom do that...I can trust her to give me a reasonable amount of spending money and hey if she has to pay my bills for me(which the info I have indicates about payees) then that's less stress for me I suppose.

But then there is the chance they will determine I don't need a payee....when I get my official decision in the mail it should tell me, and then I am sure I have to talk to someone about it so I might run the idea by of just having my mom 'help' with my finances instead of being a full payee. But I am getting the SSI money for my benefit so I guess this is a good thing over-all. Also the more I think about it I have mis-managed money in the past and while it didn't occur to me before those situations do have a lot to do with my mental state....like if I get into a really depressive mood, anxious mood or am very stressed I sometimes end up blowing money and losing track of just how much I am spending. Or back when I was dropping out of college some of my 'friends' were taking advantage and before I knew it I had spent most of the money I had left over from loans on them(under the guise they would 'pay me back') and had nothing left for myself. 750 a month is significantly more than I am getting now...its just been so long since I've had anymore than 200 dollars in a month I forgot when I have more it can be easier to over-spend, and good god don't let me anywhere near a credit card. With such a small amount it was kinda hard to over-spend since there's not much to work with at all.

I do feel kinda bad though cause I hope I didn't give the impression I didn't appreciate my attorneys help...cause I was really stressing after the hearing. But he said to call if I have any more questions or want to discuss anything further....so when I do that I think I will say that I really appreciated his help. I did say thank you after he, my mom and I talked a bit after the hearing but not so sure it sounded all that sincere.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 11 Feb 2014, 3:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Congrats on getting through the hearing, and getting approved! I know it's got to dredge up a lot of confusing emotions, but overall it's very good news, and it's got to be a relief to have it behind you!

Yes, it does sound like a bad deal with the payee. They don't understand that, one there's a shortage of jobs regardless of autism or any other disability, and then it's about sensory issues, and it's also about being sniffed out as different. Companies swear up and down that it's about skills, but then you're different in the least little way and the attitude is, oh no, we can't have that.

Can you try the payee and see how it goes? And if it's lousy, petition the court that you're not a person with an intellectual deficiency.

I figure I'll wait till I get my decision in the mail and go from there the payee thing isn't even set in stone so I don't find out what their decision on that is till I get that letter.....but yeah if that is what they want to do I suppose I shall give it a go. Besides since I can use a family member it shouldn't be so bad. Don't get me wrong there are family issues but nothing that indicates I'd be screwed over....and if I was I am intelligent enough to take legal action but I highly doubt it would end up like that. I kind of wish I had someone else besides my mom who could do it....but my dad wouldn't be able to, he'd only probably manage to get himself in trouble because he's really bad at paperwork and dealing with 'the system'. My sister wouldn't need the stress and it would be weird having my younger sister even though they said the person just has to be 21 or older. My brother is too young, and I doubt even if he was old enough he'd be able to deal with that. And I am not really in contact too often with the rest of my family.

But yeah they didn't claim I had a intellectual deficiency as my IQ is normal....but apparently the medical expert that was consulted at the hearing felt my concentration/memory issues and some cognitive deficiancies where severe enough that in his opinion I may not be able to handle finances on my own. I have other doctors though who claim I could manage my finances on my own.

wish i didn't have a payee idk how my money is spent except for recently where i know it pays for my phone and insurance, but it wasn't used for that in the past, i had to use my money from school to pay for it and pay rent even though my ssi pays for half of the rent

I don't really count my ssi money as mine, as i don't get any of it or control of how its spent, so i rely on the $150 i make every 3 months from seasonal work to pay for my gas and maybe something fun. i do have some money saved up, but i have to not talk about it cause when i spend it they get upset, like and when i ever get a job I'll be expected to pay for the phone and car insurance again, plus 100+ a month and cable and internet from what i gather with the reduced from pass work i get like 650 a month.

but fighting for it would mean arguing and yelling, it was only supose to have a payee until i was 22, I'm now 26(this month)

congrates on on the court case

i'm currently under review again, and i'm terrified they going say i not disabled anymore had to go see the spych lady few weeks ago, hadn't been seen since 2003 .

Hmm is it possible your payee isn't using the money to your benefit?....from my understanding they are supposed to work with you on how the SSI money is spent. Some of it should be going to gas money and recreation/hobbies or whatever, unless this phone and insurance takes up all of it. Sounds like a very difficult situation though....is your payee a family member or someone else?

I know you can request to not have a payee and they evaluate whether you need one or not. I guess at the very least you have a few other sources of a little income.

I wish I could get suicidal thoughts out of my head, My only easy way is getting really drunk to forget those thoughts!

Would a zen approach also help, with the understanding that probably by its very nature zen is best done in a thoroughly half-assed way ?

I've done that more than once....though I personally find getting stoned is more effective.

The fact that I am really embarrassed my mental issues are apparently so bad it might be determined I cannot manage my own funds. Could be worse but just having a hard time getting over that. It's bad enough I can't hold a job.

You should try to reframe those thoughts. If they think you need a payee, then they must think you are (over)qualified for SSI. And, as you pointed out yourself, having someone else handle your monthly bills means less stress for you.

Yeah trying to keep that in mind....I mean hey at least I got the SSI, and its not like I couldn't have the payee thing evaluated later down the road and have it determined its not necessary if it becomes that way. But yeah my mind just wont stop with the worthless feelings...but luckily today I have a cold to distract myself that feels like crap to but I am more focused on making my throat feel better, blowing my nose and other stuff you do when you have a cold than whats going on mentally.

It's my mother, got it arranged before i turned 18 and was suppose to go until 22. I don't know, i know it goes to pay for rent,power, trash, etc, also some food, but i suppose to buy most my food with my food stamps.

in some ways she acts like it's hers. like during fights she threaten to turn the power off, cut me off from food she buys, or turn off the cable or kick me out. part of this is just fights, but I'm always tempted to say that my ssi pays for half that stuff. i've never gotten any of my sssi money, when we got the back pay check thing i got a playstation, also used it to buy stuff for family. but that was back in 2003. lately i end up using my gas money driving them around. so i only have $40 lleft really 20 cause i have to put 20 back for gas to get to work next terms work., so yeah i don't ever go out or socialize

i met a girl whos on ssi and she pays rent and etc, but still has lots of money to go do stuff, and she gets the same ammount. so it frustrates me.

i was paying the phone from my college money along with 100 a month for rent(on top of rent i already pay o.O) when i get a job i'll go back to paying 100-200 for rent along with 10 for cable 20 for interent, 50 for phone and 50 for insurance, this leads to my dispear of getting a job i talk about in other threads.

shes also on ssi, and wants to use the extra money to save up for if i ever move out so she can get her own place, also buys lots of fabric for he sewing hobby. If/when i lose this job(they keep cutting hours) I don't know what I'm going do I guess just get more and more depressed until I kill myself.

i could but that would cause all kinds of fights and make her feel like i'm stealing from her or going stop paying the bills(comes from the fact i have money saved from college and work, that i don't spend crazy or share with them. im terrified that it'll run out cause when it does I'll have no money) my hope was i'd get a gf and move in with her then i would fight for my ssi money.


I'm envious of you, sounds like you going be better off. hopefully you'll get some back pay too, nice little bonus check hope you and your payee can budget it out so you can go do stuff and live a life.

That sounds terrible, almost sounds like you would have grounds to take legal action....but obviously that is pretty complex and can be hard when you're having to live with the person you'd be taking that action against. Uhh I wish I had some more actually helpful advice, all I can suggest is maybe see if there are any resources in the area that could help.....At the mental health center I go to for therapy and meds they have a program to help people with applying for stuff like food stamps and medicaid and also can help with SSI related issues, but don't know if there is anything like that in your area.

atleast for now its just not worth the trouble, stress can cause my mome to end up in the hosiptial or die if she has too much. but eventually it'll have to be dealt with thanks for the advice though

how are you feeling now that it's been a few days?

Yeah I suppose that makes sense, I just hope eventually you can get things sorted out.

I feel ok, holding up I guess....I got a nasty cold that's gotten progressively worse the past couple days, and still kinda having suicidal thoughts, but nothing I'd act on at this point.