I first contemplated suicide when... (NSFW)

Post Reply New Topic

Awkward Aspie hugs for everyone in this thread

I will just disappear one day.

There'll be no note and no one will ever find me.

That is my plan.

No drama.

I've been thinking about it for as long as I can remember and that is that.

I look up to Tallyman as a person showing so much intelligence and compassion, but it is very easy to relate to what he writes. Though I did not think of suicide as a child, I am unsure I understood that I was alive yet.

Maybe because it's easy to relate is part of why I am always in trouble with people and no one will be my friend. I can only take what is said at face value. And most people can't seem to relate to that. Seems wrong to me to be disappointed in someone else expressing pain, I feel positively instead that Tallyman feels we are worth communicating with as I do when another person entrusts me with him or herself. It happens not a lot.

I meant what I wrote though. I only say what I mean, except if someone says or writes something that seems unkind and I'm trying to hold back from being nasty back at them. As accusations s always seem to get people doing things that hurt me.

Nothing is inevitable, not good, not bad either.

Tallyman I truly hope things turn around. I know they may. And I am grateful you chose to share and try to connect, it makes me feel I have maybe some value as a person, something that I'd stopped believing and can't seem to find my way back to. So thank you for that, it only lasts a moment, but that is something.

cantankerous you? Never!

I've always been a survivor. I just get tired sometimes.

It is more tiredness than depression.

I'm OK.

First time I thought about it: f**k, as soon as I was conscious enough to perform self-reflection.

I also, when I was very little, used to pray to die every night.

I slit my wrists when I was twelve, but like a f*****g aspie, stopped to contemplate the tendons and musculature in my wrist, then realized I was too interested in the musculature to finish the job. I had been worried the hole wouldn't be wide enough, so I had been tearing at the skin close to my wrist, and got to see the tendons and muscles through the blood. It was so very pretty to see that I put down the Exacto blade and started to rotate my wrist to look at it. Then I cleaned up and decided to spend more time studying interesting things, because there are so many interesting things to see.

I've OD a few times, but I tell you it is damn hard to make that stick for me. I just vomit and wake up.

I won't kill myself as long as there are interesting things to learn or do, or as long as there is someone I'm responsible for because that would be monumentally selfish. When I run out, I'm probably outta here. I'm hoping that I've left a legacy of people I've helped and things I've made which will persist. As far as I'm concerned, there is no afterlife. The only real immortality to be had is in our acts toward others and the things we produce.

Ain't a force in the universe that can prevent me from making things or doing things for people, so I'll probably be around for awhile. But who knows? I'm willing to live in existential uncertainty and just keep creating things for people, but I'm not super fond of living.

I was around 30 years old when I finally said f"ck it, I'm tired and I've went as far in life as I could. With cocaine already in my system from the night before, I washed down 48 sleeping pills with Michelob. The result? A stomach pumping in a local hospital followed by two solid months in a psych hospital.

I've been suicidal for a long time and am permanently depressed. I envy those who are happy and successful and wish it was me. It can't stay like this forever, though. I'm thinking I'll be like Tallyman. Somewhere along the way I'll take myself out by my own hands. It seems almost inevitable.

^^ I never envy people.

I see people who are living what could be considered as conventional lifestyles, and I sometimes pity them.

They've got mortgages and debt and commitment and all the s**t that I would consider absolute hell on earth.

I don't really know what happiness is to be honest.

I know what insanity is though, and that'll do for me, for now.

Suicide is a huge commitment, and I'm not the commitment type.

Not yet anyway.

11 weeks ago, I did attempt suicide. I tried to overdose on meds we had lying around for headaches and such. I just get so tried of living with AS that it pisses me off. I don't go out except to get groceries or fast food. I have one friend who listens to me rant from time to time. I've been wondering what would become of my family if I did succeed. I know nobody would care if I did succeed. But on the other hand, I want to marry and have a family. But I don't think I can wait for that to happen any longer. I just want to be six feet under sometimes.

First time I contemplated it was probably when I was about 12 or 13.

I currently feel this way again but I can't do it because of cowardice, the impact it would have on family and just the fact that somebody is gonna find me before or after and have to clean it up.

I don't have good reasons for it. Half of the time I don't even have a reason at all and I still feel like I should. Other times it os because of my family and that just confuses me because it is just a vicious cycle at those times. I want to because of them but I don't want to because of them.

first time I considered it was around the age of 15. Second time was whenI was 18, took a bunch of prescription meds and alcohol. Woke up very sick the next day. Third time I stepped out in front of a semi-truck on a highway when I was hitch-hiking. He swerved, blew his loud horn, it scared me but it made my boyfriend at the time furious, and I decided to put it off for a while. I have a plan but I'm not talking about it - it'll happen if necessary, when necessary, and I will simply, quietly disappear.
For now I have some responsibilities to attempt to handle - which I continuously fail at - but will keep at them for now.

edit