Any advice?

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I am sorry to hear you feel that way. I don't have any advice about how not to feel that way. I often feel that way myself, for the very same reasons (too many problems). I try to push it out of mind and just go with the flow but it is hard.

I don't see anything wrong with having a fling if you don't want anything serious and both of you are in agreement that it is just a fling. If things do get serious...then the question of leaving his wife comes into question. They are not serious right now.

With all these conflicting emotions you have, maybe you should postpone making a decision for long-term, just keep talking to him about the status of your relationship as it unfolds and see where it goes.

If later you decide you want to be "number one", there is nothing wrong with saying so (IMO). I think you deserve to be loved, problems and all. Good luck.

Thanks for that em tsuj. I appreciate your kind words.

Well, I have told him we better call it quits. He is way too conflicted with regard to his wife. I think he is a decent fellow and I am causing him pain. Didn't mean to - I would have been content to just have some fun with him, but he takes things seriously (as he should.) I told him that if we are meant to be together than our paths will converge again.

I talked about this with a friend who is in similar situation. People who are in unhappy marriages also tend to stick around because of worry over financial issues. Getting divorced / remarried also means a big loss of capital if one side makes a lot more money than the other. That may not have been the issue in this case though, since he still seems to have some attachment to his wife.

I don't think he's worried about money. It's more a matter of loyalty. I am letting him work through his actions himself. Letting him make his own decisions.

If you let them go and they come back, they're worth keeping, right? I think you made the right decision, if he never left his wife for you it would hurt your self-esteem more in the long-run.

Love is so complicated...

Well, I bluffed and he called. He said he led me on in his enthusiasm and that he would like to get to know me as a mistress. At least it's out in the open. So now I have to ask myself if I can live with that. I'm not sure. Truth is I'd make a better mistress than a wife. But, now I am feeling bad for his wife. He had said that she told him to have affairs as she wasn't sleeping with him. But the other day he was worried as we passed by a relative's apartment that he would be seen holding hands with me. I have to assume that she would be more bothered by it then originally suggested.
So do I owe it to his wife to ignore the possibility of moments of happiness (which I have found to be rare.) I just don't know. If it didn't bother her that he had someone on the side, I think I could be content with it. But I'm not sure how much she cares.

There is no way of really knowing if she cares. Except maybe that she would try to intervene at some point if it really bothered her.

One, you are 43 years old. That is young. You are also Autistic, so most likely you look and feel much younger. He is a man cheating on his wife, so you really shouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I have been reading your posts and you do not exactly appear to value yourself, 96% of autistics have been sexually abused. Much of that was people taking advantage of another persons vulnerabilities. That is abuse. Of you. Cheating on his wife is abuse.. of her. And then he pretends for a minute that he can't do this to his wife, except, and so predictably, he changes his mind [he can feel less guilty if he pretends he tried] If he really cannot stand his wife anymore,the least he can do is finish one party before he starts another. You know he makes you feel good but the only thing you know about him as a human is that he cheats on his wife and has no qualms[ well, a few pretend ones] about taking advantage of a woman who is probably in in one of the least stable periods of her life.

You also know that he asked you if he could stay with you and your mother if he leaves his wife. Your MOTHER! He wants to cause these problems and get your poor mother involved? luckily for him you are not MY daughter. Because he would be in a world of hurt.

He makes you feel good. But in a year you will probably feel horrible , a decent guy will come up and you won't even notice.

My mother is a long suffering soul. She has had her own shenanigans though and would probably get along with him.

Yes, I do have low self esteem and have been abused by two men in various ways - although no ones actually hit me or anything.

I wish I knew if she cared or not, but it's a safe bet she does. Plus if he's concerned about her finding out about me, then obviously she would not be happy about it.

So it comes down to what do I owe her and what do I owe myself. He's made his position quite clear. Which I actually appreciate.

This is not the most precarious position I have found myself in in life, but it is a nasty one.

I just have to take my time and find the answers to these questions.

Only spoke to him briefly today. Giving each other space to think. Or at least me space to think. Which is good.

My best friend (we grew up together) has been in a very similar situation a few years ago. Your post reminds me so much of her telling me that even if she knew it can't end well, still wished so desperately to be allowed a short moment of happiness after a lifetime of abuse and pain.

She almost fell apart agonizing over the decision and in the end didn't go through with it because she realised she didn't have the mental fortitude to survive the outcome.

My first concern here is with you. Even considering a "best case scenario" (as much as your situation would allow one) when things go bad you'll fall from very, very high and I'm afraid you could break your neck. And you'll be all alone: nobody can truly share that kind of pain and despair with you. As others said, you don't seem to value yourself much, so please take the time to consider that the elusive moment of happiness could turn into a sweet memory, but could also destroy you.

Life can be incredibility cruel sometimes, I really hope you find some peace.

Thanks for that. : )

I believe I am already falling, but might be able to scrape a landing out of it. I didn't mention that I also have broken it off with my boyfriend of the past 7 years. Things pretty much fizzed after I told him a few weeks ago that I had posted an ad on and online dating site. I guess that was my way of telling him - but it blew up when all this business started because I didn't want to be with him anymore. With having feelings for someone else.
So, I find myself on my own with regard to a partner. Urggg . . . so many people and so impossible to find anyone.

It sounds like you're extremely vulnerable on all fronts right now. Would it be possible for you to put all this aside for a while and try to work on (or get help with) the issues that stand in the way of getting a job? It might distract you from your feelings (as in not obsessing) and give you some stability? With everything else that's going on in your life, dating gets even more problematic, especially when you feel so hopeless.

Yes I have neglected the want ads. And I should put out some more resumes. The job market seems to be shrinking for me as I get older and have a more sketchy work history. I will have to be creative with this.

There is a legitimate work-from-home employer if you are up to being customer service representative (helping people with their orders, etc.). I found out about them through AARP. The site is: https://jobs.alpineaccess.com

I have a male friend who always said monogomy was not for him. He does have a wife that has no problem with him having affairs. He would have no problem introducing a future girlfriend to his wife. Maybe the way to deal with the man you are smitten with is to meet his wife and hear from her that it is OK.

Thanks . . that's interesting, the internet has changed things so much. I have also been exploring on line writing sites like ODesk.