drastically going from mildly suicidal to extremely suidical

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Now, I feel completely fine. I've had symptoms of bipolar for a long time, but I'm not diagnosed with it. Speaking as if I did have a diagnosis, I'd say that right now I'm going into my happy-hyper-mania phase. My counselor did say that I likely have a mood disorder, and on my calendar, the patterns actually do look like bipolar. Is it part of bipolar to go from mildly suicidal to very suicidal?

No. Wanting to kill yourself reflects depression, desperation, or an unmanageably painful situation. I may have left something out. But wanting to die with variable intensity, though it could occur in a person with bipolar disorder, doesn't mean one is bipolar.

Yeah, I was meaning the depression phase of bipolar, since I switch.

Are you asking whether feeling suicidal is part of depression? Yes, it can be. But something about the experience of having autism or Aspergers can be so overwhelming that the experience of wanting the pain to stop seems to be more intense or longer lasting than for many people who have depression without the ASD. I don't think it's everyone who feels this way, though. And it's my impression that being alone when you're depressed makes things much worse. Because even if you like aloneness, it's not pleasant to be alone suffering.

Is there someone in the real world you can lean on when you need to? That can help with feeling suicidal. And if there isn't, there is still here, and there are crisis lines.

I'm sad for you that at 14, you seem very alone. You deserve people who care about you, Serena.

Well, my mom is not exactly a candidate, as there is always a huge communication issue between us, and I end up getting fussed at and sent away before I can finish making any point about anything. Even though not every situation would be like that, it just makes me not want to discuss anything with her at all.

I've always felt distant from my dad, because when he did still live with us, he was in the military and often away, and now he doesn't live with us, so I don't really ever talk to him about anything that's not related to what game I recently played, or if he's supposed to take me somewhere. Strange, I've never really actually described being distant from my dad before. The situation always just......... is.

I had a friend that I could talk to about these things before, but he started getting new friends and stopped talking to me, and my other friends I just usually talk to about interests and games and things. There is one friend that I have that I talked to about this once as well as a WP friend. They can't really do anything about it; I don't feel better after discussing it.

Don't have to talk about the problem to feel better. Sometimes being distracted by another person works really well. Anyway,I am glad you are feeling better.

Please do tell your counselor and your mother about these thoughts. I know you feel they will think bad of you and that it is stressful to speak out... but it is important that you do. Although you have communication issues with your mother its important she knows...she is the adult that is with you at home all the time isn't she? (if not, then whatever adult is with you should know).

You acknowledge that these thoughts are not you and that they come and go... it is critical an adult is informed so they can not only help you but also, should the worse come to be, be there to stop you from doing it.

Your condition could be related to hormone changes/monthly cycle and medications. Bipolar disorder definitely is a yo-yo of emotional states... I know, my dad does is bipolar and his mood flips can literally happen in minutes.

So, it could really not be 'you' who is responsible for those thoughts...just some massive surge of moody hormones or the bipolar flip taking you on a rollercoaster ride...or heck, at your age it could be both. The more your counselor knows the better the treatment you can receive.

If it is bipolar then you can take meds which do work. My dad for a long time was in denial of his condition until finally he agreed to try the medication... he hardly has mood flips anymore and his stress level is clearly down (even his blood pressure is back to normal!).

If I'm calm when I go to my counselor on June 12th though, it'll be harder to explain. I guess I'll try to anyway.

Can you ask your mom to get you a sooner appointment Serena? I am sad thinking of you alone with this for two and a half weeks.

Well, I've been having this for a lot longer than 2 and 1/2 weeks anyway. If I ask for an earlier appointment, she'd probably question me.

Hi Serena, there is another possibility for whats happening with your "two selves", its something thats statistically common in teens with "differences" and its often misdiagnosed as mood disorder or bipolar so its worth you checking it out to see if it fits for you and to rule it out if it doesnt. And this may sound odd, but if you are more physically flexible/bendy than the norm (hypermobile) then its definitely worth you looking into because thats one of the biggest risk factors.

Its a physiological condition called Dysautonomia, or Autonomic Instability, and its a failure of the automatic nervous system, (which controls things from heartrate to digestion to emotional stability) to regulate and stay balanced in response to everyday life stimuli. Instead it over responds and over corrects repeatedly like a seesaw, which is chaotic for the body and brain chemistry/hormones etc, and intense suicidal feelings and rage/violence feelings are pretty common when its unmanaged, as is the opposite happy mania stuff. Sounds like bipolar but the different root cause means bipolar medications dont work and so undiagnosed people struggle unnecessarily and get labelled unhelpfully until that root cause is recognised. Which it often isnt by the psych/counselling profession because, being a physical thing, its not something theyre taught about in their training.

Your "mild" suicidal feelings sound pretty normal and appropriate for whats going on in your life and most NT's your age would have similar feelings in your circumstances, so its possible that the tip into the intense stuff is happening when those unsupported emotions get overwhelming. But its also possible its this physical thing that can be treated and managed without prescription drugs and their sometimes unhelpful side effects. And as a teenager who is still physically and neurologically developing, safe alternatives to medication are a good idea where possible.

I'm new here and cant remember what I read about whether external links are allowed, so I wont put a live one just in case. But theres a good series of slides from an experts powerpoint presentation that explain this "dysautonomia-that-looks-like-bipolar" at (http://) ehlersdanlosinfo (dot) wordpress (dot) com/specifics/pseudo-psychiatric-symptoms-in-edspresentation-slides/ This presentation talks about it as part of a genetic disorder but it can also be an issue in people without that disorder as well, especially during puberty.

If it doesnt fit for you then just ignore this but I'm flagging it up as an alternative possibility in case its relevant.

Do you have tools besides video games to use for coping when those intense suicidal/dangerous feelings flood you? Sometimes the sense of (and the reality of) being powerless can increase those feelings so things that help you to feel grounded,and that focus your justifiable anger and grief into inner strength, can increase your sense of personal power and decrease those scary and unsafe feelings. Unfortunately my inconveniently unhelpful mind cant find the words for a single example of what I mean there at the mo but I'll (try to remember to) post again when I can unstick my brain.

Stay safe and use your obvious intellect to remind yourself that its your now situation that you want/need to be over, not your actual life itself. The experience of life is difficult, painful, unfair and overwhelming at times, but its also awesome, enjoyable and enriching. So stick around for those good bits ok.

I have a friend who has dysautonomia. I haven't learned much about it. And nope, video games always have been all of what I use for escape and also entertainment.

Your friend could be an option for you to show the slide link to for their opinion if researching stuff yourself isnt your thing.

What type of video games do you play? Do you have a current favourite?

I love researching stuff, and I mostly get addicted to online games, but others as well. On online games, I have close friends.

I'm 100% like this too!

Star Citizen is releasing its alpha test on the 29th. If you're into immersive sci fi MMO's don't miss it.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp6077205.html#6077205

Hi, one silver lining with school . . well, sometimes but not always I have planned my better semesters when I've had something like a four-year plan combined with a little improv, say right before regular registration or even late registration.

And I wish I had known what Temple Grandin said about people on the spectrum tending to have one of three preferred thinking styles, with some overlap of course:
1) story / narrative approach, who might really take to the case study method in fields such as medicine or business,
2) abstract thinking, which can include math, music, chess, as well as I think sciences such as chemistry and physics, and
3) visual thinking, which can include both engineering and art, and probably other fields as well.

In fact, I'd go ahead and speculate that this applies to human beings in general and not only people on the spectrum.