why can't i just end.

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finished the unarmed security class and passed the test despite the high level of anxiety. now I just have to go through the certification process and hope i don't get bounced out and have it take longer. gov works slow and all.

Cool

Apparently we synthesise our own happiness. It is internal, not reliant on external factors. I'm still trying to get my head around this. Here's the link if you're interested:

http://youtu.be/4q1dgn_C0AU

well that ws short lived, if i get a job i'll make too much to be on housing so i'd have to move out and get my own place. well apparently my family would kill themselves if i do this. so I can't ever work :'( theres no escape from this hell.

Yeah it's a catch-22. But there are other things you can do with your time. Don't despair, just look for other options.

I like your perspective, Ann.

Ann2011??

the things i do with my time all require money which besides dating was the other reason i wanted a job. so i could enjoy my hobbies (shooting, videogames, hikes, etc)

Yup.

Try things you haven't done before that are cheaper. Hikes can't cost all that much. Maybe you have skills that you could use to make money "under the table." Odd jobs and such.

This is probably your biggest hurdle that I see you keep tripping over. While romantic relationships and creating a family are great things to want, and love is a powerfully unique feeling that "can" boost morale(it can also maim it when things go rocky), they're more modifiers of how your life is to be lived... Not defining of one's life itself. I suppose what I mean is, being single is not a bad thing, just as being in a relationship isn't any more of a good thing. Being single is only a different state of living life a little more unbound as opposed to sharing decisions and provisions with another while having a second set of eyes. Both are hard ways to live, because life is hard and there is often suffering no matter who you hold near, or do not. It's entirely fine to say you want a relationship because you'd prefer to not have to take life on solo, but it won't be any easier a life, just a different one with different hurdles you've not yet had to face that require the synchronized leap of two while tied to another human being's well being and frailties while mutually trying to remain warm within each other's heart-throne.

I guess my thoughts are that, something fulfilling must really be missing in your life and it could rather benefit you to find what makes you content when limited to your own company so that you can remain in control of it by your own personal devotion so that you aren't bound by mercy of an outlet as fickle as depending on another fragile human to be comfortable being your own.

Like I said in that one thread:

DON'T.

BE.

LIKE.

ME.

The sheer fact that you can be kind even after all this lame, backwater, effed-up, stupid, unfair BS means that you are good for something, even if you think you're not. I know how the whole spiel goes, because I'm the same age as you and have had to deal with the crummiest of hands in the same way. Now I'm 26, almost homeless (I have a temporary place, at least until spring of next year), working a sh***y job with a college degree that might as well be toilet paper, and on top of that, being under wage garnishment because my scholarship didn't pay for my tuition. And all the heartbreaks and s**t like that I've endured have turned me into the most cynical of all a**holes. So....yeah. If anyone is a failure here, it'd be someone like me. But I can't even say that, because like you, I'm still here.

how have you been, is the puppy good?

hikes are dangerous alone, plus I live in the city so its 15-60 miles to places to hike. no buses go there so its up to driving which cost gas and my money supply is draining too fast already for gas to do things for others and appointments. went from 1200 to 500 in the past 2 months. actually less cause i'm buying a 2 games next month for $65.

I don't know how i'm going pay for christmas gifts but it'll have to be super budgeted to just my household family members.

The puppy didn't work out. He was too much for me. I found him a home with a family. But ...

I have a new dog now: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt268642.html