My final work.... planning suicide.

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I'd apply to Voc Rehab regardless of the wait list, I waited quite awhile too but even over the horizon is better than nothing. Voc Rehab can help with a diagnosis and I would think probably would be helpful to at least try if you w applied to apply for disability later on, they told me they might pay for me to go to school actually so it can provide opportunities. If you get a counselor or whatever you don't like then request a different one.

I know how it is like being isolated and the feeling of being stuck, I'd try to get and do anything. Take walks, go to the movies, go to the store, do whatever interests you. I go to a lot of basketball games, it gets me out of the house.

Have you tried learning a new skill, something that will engage your mind, or do you feel too depressed to do anything?

What about getting a therapist for general therapy instead of autism assessment? Maybe the therapists who didn't respond don't have ability to assess autism, and that is why they didn't respond.

One thing that you have on your side is your youth.

Nature is usual one of the best medicines around for the soul.

OP are you ok? How are you doing today?

I'm also very suicidal at the moment. I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes it just feels like it would be the only way out. I know my future might have hope, but every time I hope for something good, it gets ruined. What if I keep forcing myself to stay alive, but at the end of my life, I'm still this heartbroken and depressed person? It would be nothing but a waste of time. I want to stay alive and stay strong, but at the same time I just want to die.

I am sad for you today. This is a time of year too that can really bring this stuff up - and it's really painful stuff. What you want most of all is not to die but for the pain to end - understandably and there are other ways out of the pain without dying. I am glad you have made contact today. Stay in touch. At the moment you have lost contact with your capacity for hope; is there someone you can reach out to in your life who can hold on to the hope for you while you make your way through this? If not, people here can and will.

My special interest is games. Whether it be collecting games, playing games, or analyzing the advanced mathematical or theoretical framework of games (including game theory.) Board games, video games, pen and paper games, and any other games.
I also sometimes try and develop new games. And I have always had this interest and it has been with me all my life. Only on rare occasions does my interest shift and only briefly.

I don't have anyone to play with anymore. All I can play now is single player games. I used to play a little D&D by myself because no one would play with me since middle school. Then I just couldn't do that anymore, single player campaigns are not easy to find. So now I can only play single player video games... and I've been too depressed to do anything more than play Tetris for weeks... I play Tetris for hours a day...

The only group I know of only meets once or twice a year and I do go to that. We play Axis & Allies. I don't know where to find new groups and I really am terrified to meet new people... other people have friends to play with... I don't.

And yes, I contacted every therapist I could find listed regardless of their specialty. I even contacted a counselor that my school sent me to when I was a kid, and he didn't respond either. It's been months.. I've been trying to get help since last spring.

Voc Rehab said that I should find a therapist while I wait... which doesn't really help as they wouldn't do so much as refer me to one...

I don't know how to stop being so isolated... I don't want to be isolated.

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of reaching out.

Reach out via an anonymous helpline for now. You need to connect to a real person who can hear you, listen and care. Start there. It's a start, not the whole answer, just a start. You have to start somewhere and it needs to be now or very soon, ok?

Here you go if you need it:

Need help? United States:
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

With Voc Rehab you'll have to wait for a bit and then jump thru their hoops but I don't have anything else going so I guess why not. Opportunity isn't going to come knocking on your door, this is true for more people and us on the spectrum have it even harder.

Do you live in a rural area?

Protogenoi this may seem like a strange suggestion to you, though just bear with me. You need to be around safe people. You don't have much money right now. One place you can always find some safe people is in 12 step groups. If you live in a city, there will be a 12 step meeting somewhere every night. Except for a very few closed meetings, visitors can attend meetings, you declare yourself as a visitor who wants to know more about the group when you are asked to introduce yourself. You can also say that you aren't able to talk right now. They will accept that. Twelve step groups are the most accepting places of all. I have a lot of experience with NA (one of the 12 step groups, there are many of course) and can honestly tell you that the long term recovering addicts I met there were some of the most calm and enlightened people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. There will be a group meeting on Christmas Day, unless you live in a small isolated place. It's one place where you will meet safe people and find some immediate emotional support. There is usually a website for each area online which shows you where the meetings are, what time. Some will even come and pick newcomers up. NA has its own website, if that's the group you choose.

Please stay in touch and let me know how you are.

I can tell by the way you talk (type) that you're much more intelligent than you probably realize.

I find the best thing for helping suicide is distraction. You mention you love games, but you lack a second player. Have you spent any time playing said games online? Typically most games are completely anonymous anyway. It's a good distraction, it's a good way to make new friends and it's a good way to explore your special interest as well.

I also found in my life that it is incredibly easy to be depressed if you're around people who inspire you to be depressed, such as abusive parents. What resources exist for you if you need to get away from them? Do you have any other trusted family members? Have you looked up resources for housing for disabled/autistic folk in your area?

What sort of video games do you have and for what system?

I have 25 consoles...
Nintendo:
NES(Broken), SNES(Broken), N64(Broken), NGC, Wii... GB, GBC, GBA, NDS
Sega:
Genesis(Broken), Dreamcast, Gamegear (Broken)
Sony:
PS, PS2, PS3 (Broken), PSP (Broken)
Microsoft:
Xbox(Broken), Xbox 360 (Broken)
Bandai:
Wonderswan Colour
SNK:
NeoGeo AES
Panasonic:
3DO
Atari:
2600
PC:
Windows 98, Windows 7(Half-broken)

And a 70's pong machine.

I mostly have old NES, SNES, and Genesis games... my second larger group of games would be NGC, Dreamcast, and PS2.
And the reason most things are broken is because I bought them that way for cheap... no one takes me to charity shops anymore because I'll compulsively buy everything gaming related in sight until I run out of money. Some of those systems are worth quite a bit of money, but I got it all cheap. My parents want me to sell them, but that won't happen. I won't let other people touch most of them unless I'm in the room. I would rather die than sell them. They are very precious to me. Does that make me a horrible person? ... I feel like it isn't right that I should feel this way and also have these possessions. But I can't play the consoles anymore, my parents made rules concerning them a long time ago. If there is something they don't like in the content of a game, then I can't play it under their roof and I'm only allowed to play when someone is with me or if their watching me. And they always make fun of my games. This tears me apart, I don't want to live here.

Today I attempted to fix the PS3 since my parents are away for a few days and felt better. I failed and now I feel horrible. Maybe I damaged it more in the process? meh...