I still want to kill myself

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which feels worse- the depressed emotions or the "fake" happiness? go with what FEELS better/nicer overall, to you.

Honestly, I hate feeling fake just as much as I hate being depressed. It's all the same to me. I'd rather not have emotions altogether. Unfortunately I don't think that's possible for me, I tend to be extremely emotional.

I'm trying. It's hard though. It seems like the good feelings don't last long, it's always just a momentary relief from feeling depressed. To me, feeling happy feels fake, like I'm just hiding from the truth. I even feel like this while I am feeling happy.



Yeah, this time last year the only thing I even suspected was ADHD, and that didn't explain much. I thought I was just defective. And I was extremely alone, the only place I felt like I could talk or write about my feelings was on Yahoo Answers. And the people there aren't always very helpful (or nice).

I usually cried for hours every night too. Intense crying. Honestly I kind of miss that, I think it helped me feel a bit better, but now it's like I've lost the ability to cry just from doing it so much before. Most days now I get the feeling like I want to cry, for no apparent reason, at random times in the day. But since I can't, it makes me want to do other things, like hurt myself, instead.

But at least I'm not as suicidal as I was then. Honestly I'd probably be dead right now if I was, the only reason I didn't do it a year ago was because I very likely would have been caught. I didn't want that, because I felt like people were just going to tell me I was stupid, that I'm choosing to have negative thoughts, that I just want attention. Stuff I'd already been told before, by people that I thought cared. But I was determined to do it eventually. I guess those thoughts and desires don't go away easily once they're there.



I honestly have tried not to hope for things, because all the times I felt hope in the past I was totally disappointed and devastated as a result. I thought they were realistic at the time, but I realize now they are only realistic hopes for normal people. Even when I just tried to be happy and accept myself I couldn't do it, because absolutely nobody would listen or accept me. If I tried to talk about how I was feeling to the people who claimed they cared, they would literally tell me I'm wrong, or that what I was bringing up doesn't matter. So does that mean my feelings are wrong and don't matter? That my existence is wrong, and doesn't matter? And so I came to the conclusion that I wasn't meant to be happy or accepted; the fact that nobody would help me must mean I'm just a hopeless cause and have no purpose in continuing. I don't think that's entirely logical, but it makes perfect sense when I'm depressed.

Anyway, thank you for the advice, I will try to be more hopeful about my future.

I tend to believe, that feeling fake good is healthier for you overall, than feeling real bad.

Here's a hug, you have a future to live for and you have a lot in your life yet. I'm pretty upset about some things but thats a part of life.

You're probably right about that. It's just that I dread the moment when I realize my happiness was based on a hope that will never be fulfilled.

I can't help but feel that you will find the answers you've been looking for, and you will find suitable companionship while you are still young. your luck has GOT to be better than mine in that respect [I had to wait until the September of my years].

When you say "suitable companionship", you're talking about me finding a girlfriend and/or getting married right? I haven't had much luck in that area of my life up to this point. Granted, I haven't lived even half of my expected life-span yet, but still. I mean, I try not to be overly negative about it, but I have had pretty bad luck with girls. Not that they don't like me, I've known of quite a few girls that liked me in the past, and there are probably a lot more that I don't know about. But even considering that, I've never had a girlfriend, or had any sort of connection with a girl that goes beyond friendship (and I have rarely even had friends that are girls either). The last one led me on and used me, and then started harassing me and making fun of me for being immature, emotional, and "complicated". I feel like I'm always missing something that everyone else "gets". Especially in regards to dating. Most people think I'm not interested in girls, and I don't know why because that couldn't be further from the truth. I feel like a failure in this regard, because already 3 of my little brothers have girlfriends, the youngest is 14. My older siblings have had countless boyfriends and girlfriends. I have never met anyone my age who has not had a girlfriend, unless it was by choice. And everyone acts so shocked when they find out I've only been on a few dates in my life and I've never kissed a girl or had a girlfriend, and then after their shocked reaction they think I'll believe them when they try to reassure me with, "It isn't a big deal." Yes it is. It's not because I'm unattractive or have a horrible personality. It's not because there were never girls that wanted to date me. And it's not like I wasn't aware at the time that they did in fact like me. There's just something wrong with me.

I'm just thinking, by the same logic of "you never know what's around the corner", couldn't the reverse be true? I could live my whole life and never once find anyone. It's sort of reassuring in that at least I can't say I certainly will never find someone. But I can't say I will either. It's so uncertain, and I hate uncertainty. So my mind instead tries to settle on which one makes more sense, and right now it seems to make more sense that I'm just going to have to accept being alone. But I don't want to be alone, I absolutely hate being alone. And if I have to live that way then I'd rather not live at all.

Pretty much everyday I have suicidal thoughts. Eventhough life is picking up, I feel like this world is too much for me sometimes, and that I can't cope and have no place here, its hard to explain...They say that you can get rid of depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts through therapy and the right medication, but I have tried all those and suicide always seems to be the top topic on my mind pretty much 99% of the time. I have attempted suicide a number of times, but failed to end it all due to the thought of my parents appearing in my mind while minutes from death...I always say that my next attempt will be my last, when and where that will be only my mind can tell, but I am not willing to stay on this odd world for a long while....