Seriously haunted by my past.

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Well, I have decided that I should stop living like a filthy alcoholic. Today is my second day without a drink. I've been to three AA meetings in the last 24 hours. And I have started the process of, * gasp *, cleaning my apartment thoroughly.

I know what I need to do. I need to work my steps instead of continuing to put them off. And I need to stop using my past as a scapegoat for any irresponsible actions I might engage in.

The only power those b*****s have over me now is what I allow them to have.

Yeah, the PTSD sucks. But it is treatable. It does not have to be eternal for me. And every time I respond to it by cracking open a bottle of bourbon, I am just anaesthetizing while the problem gets worse.

I can't really say that the anger I feel right now is worthless. It is motivating me to put down the bottle and pick myself up, after all.

Good for you! Stay strong.

I have lived through a lot of bad stuff. I'm not going to go into the details. However, I can relate to the emotions. I felt those emotions all the time until I got away from my family on my own in a location away from the abuse. I have recovered because of therapy. I made a conscious decision to go to therapy, for what you are suffering from right now (the emotional consequences of an extremely abusive childhood). Twelve-step sponsors couldn't help me because they didn't understand. They helped me stop acting out on my addictions, but didn't understand the feelings that I felt when not engrossed in addictive behavior. I also chose sponsors who were abusive like my family members because that is what I was familiar with. One thing that has not been helpful for me is trying to analyze things. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. What matters is how I am feeling in the present moment and how I react to it. My therapist taught me healthy ways to deal with anxiety and how to stop getting caught up in ruminating about the past. All kind of negative thoughts go through my head everyday but they don't have the same power that they used to. I can let them go instead getting myself all worked up. Mindfulness and acceptance are my primary tools for staying sane each day. You can recover. Just stay committed to the process.

When the past starts haunting you and start coming in flashbacks, you have to remind yourself- "I do not deserve this". Yes, dear friend, you deserve none of the bad things that happened to you. You never wanted them, people forced them on you.
My heart goes out to you because I also had many past traumas and flashbacks. You deserve good in your life. When thoughts come in your mind, tell yourself every time-"I don't need these thoughts, I deserve something better." I have been pushing away intrusive thoughts like this for years.
Believe me, there is a better life and a better world waiting for you.
Focus more on things you love. Visualize the kind of an ideal life you would love to have. What are your special interests ? Work more towards that. Do you love to cook ? Learn new recipes and cook everyday. It is often the small things that matter and that triumphs over big bad memories. Work on small things first and build your life from scratch. All the best.

You sound like you're already an incredibly strong person for putting up with the horrible things that were done to you. It sounds like you're doing something positive about your feelings as well. Are there any support groups in your area for abuse survivors? It is possible that they may help, and you can share ways of coping with it with others. Try to do more things you enjoy. Remember that none of what happened was deserved, and that you should not have to continually oblige your abusers, you are your own person with your own life. These things may be difficult to put into practice, but will become easier with time and support. I know too many people who have been through similar stuff... my friends tend to cope by having addiction counseling, support groups, good friends, and a mentality of living each day as it comes. Flashbacks are unfortunately inevitable, but therapy and the technique of 'mindfulness' will help you cope with them a bit better. And remember to self-affirm: you are not broken, you are a human being, you deserved none of this, you are a strong person, you are a good person.