Help me pull myslef together please

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I don't know how to explain it all, it's just lots of things that have happened over the years, too many things that run through my mind all the time, it's like juggling, and all it takes is one little thing for it to all come crashing down on me. This one thing that happened yesterday, wasn't really such a little thing, it should be, it really shouldn't matter, but it matters a lot, and I just wish it didn't matter at all to me anymore.

Sorry when I get like this, I can not explain anything properly, and I know it would sound stupid if I try to anyway because it's all done indirectly which is his trademark way of dealing with things. Common sense would say to just ignore it, but I am way beyond the point of being able to do that. Maybe someday it just won't matter anymore and I will be able to ignore it.

Just take ten deep breaths, so you could find perspective. I wish I knew more yoga/meditation type exercises which would calm you down.

Have you ever met this person IN PERSON?

The only thing I could say, really, is that there are "other fish in the sea"--other guys who don't have so much of an axe to grind.

This is really spot on and yeah I could apply this to a lot of things that have happened in my life.

But this one, I think he just wants attention above all else, and knows how to manipulate that very well, but how it looks to other people is like I"m the one who is wrong for paying attention.

This was the worst break up I ever went through and I really feel like it is going to leave me f****d up for the rest of my life, which I'm wishing more and more will be a short time because I can't endure this.

Please:

Try not to let this ruin your life.

I know it's "easier said than done."

But I've thought the same way...exactly the same way as you.

You've got to purge yourself of this guy. There are many decent guys out there for you, an intelligent person.

Please, try to stop putting yourself into quandaries.

No, we were planning on that, but then he basically decided it was more important to go hang out with his friends instead. That sounds really high school doesn't it, but it's not like that (or IS IT? lol), what I'm talking about is something like a psychic spiritualist cult gathering that takes place about twice a year, and yep now it's that time of year again and it f*****g triggers me like nothing else in all the world.

This was over 2 years ago, and I know, it sounds really stupid to still care about it, and if you heard the whole story it would sound even stupider, just absolutely ridiculous to the point of incredulity, and that's why I FEEL SO GODDAMN STUPID AND I HATE MYSELF FOR EVER GETTING INTO THIS. GODDAMNIT.

No, you're explaining fine it totally makes sense though obviously without the details I'm guessing. But i understand the feeling of your world crashing down over something everyone around seems to think is small, or nothing at all, but you've carefully constructed your world to make sense or be ok for you and it's a stretch every day to be ok, I think if you look at it as that you're carrying on through as much as you can than that one small thing becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back. And it's not small anymore.

But you are strong enough to get through this, just breathe right now.

You're not stupid, Dianthus. That's a lie people tell you, don't believe it.

You want me to be honest?

I'd get far away from this guy if he's into some "spiritual cult" type of thing. I'm glad he hasn't tried to drag YOU into this. Maybe he senses that you're too strong to get involved in that sort of crap. And it is crap.

Have you read about Charles Manson?

The plain honest truth is, I am scared of these people. Some of them can seem like the nicest people in the world, which is what makes it so bad, but they are twisted, psychologically twisted like nothing else I've ever seen. And I really liked some of them but cannot possibly be friends with them because of how they are.

This one woman who killed herself, I didn't know her but I saw some of what went on. They played some of the same mind games on her that they played on me and finally I guess it just finished her off. And when it happened I thought, there but for the grace of God go I because that very well could have been me instead of her.

This woman was his friend? but he still goes to these things? I really don't understand. I tried to keep my opinion to myself about it because I figured it would just turn into an argument. Really I felt like I had to keep most of my opinions and thoughts to myself about things, every once in awhile I just feel like ranting and raving about it because I held it all back so much.

Actually I was involved with it, but only over the internet, and that is how I met him. But see I was never into it the same way he was, what it came down to is I always thought it was crap, and that's why we used to fight a lot, I mean before we got together. I was always very attracted to him but for years I tried to push it out of my mind because I knew it would be a bad idea. Then a time came, he started being nicer to me and I thought maybe things would be different.

At that point I really tried to embrace this stuff, for sake of that, I figured either I'd have to take on all this stuff he was into or I'd have to leave him behind with it. I really tried but I am not cut out for that s**t. I mean I really can't go along with it even if I try to force myself.

It got so bad though that I realized there was nothing good about any of it and now I just want nothing to do with it anymore. I still wish he would just see it for what it is and walk away from it but I know it's not going to happen.

Still not back up to functioning today. I banged my head. Weird how soothing it is.

Hold the little girl you once were in your arms, comfort her, as long as you want, cry, sing her a song, whatever you need to do for her and take care of yourself, she needs you to take care of her.

Just be glad you weren't fully into the clutches of the cult.

I'm glad you were sensible enough to argue with the guy about it.

He's not going to budge one inch. It's an ego trip with him--his involvement in the cult.

Thank you Kraftie. Thank you traven.

I'm beginning to feel okay now. Just had a bit of a shock the other day.

This woman's blog (LadyWithATruck) may offer some soothing to you Dianthus:

http://ladywithatruck.com/2015/04/27/un ... ng-ground/

I finally ventured out of the house, and it was weird, I feel really spaced out and weak. Shell shocked.

I'm just tired of feeling like I never know what's going to come out of this next.