Do you ever want to kill yourself...and then.

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you have a generous heart, sweetleaf. i'd like it to keep beating.

I felt like this, and lately I'm getting to the point where it doesn't matter. That's... scary.

At 20 it didn't occur to me that my death would have an impact on anyone else. There were several occasions during my teens and twenties when suicide seemed a far more attractive option than living.

If I had chosen that option I would have deprived myself of what I have, in my fifties, today. A husband who loves me despite my 'differences', five children, two grandchildren.

Tonight my youngest daughter told me that she could never be in any doubt that she is beautiful, amazing, brilliant and loved - because I am her mother and have told her so every day of her life. She also said that her theory is that people like me (with autism) are rewarded for 'enduring the span of one human life' by being allowed to 'return home' at the end of it. She asked if she could follow me there as an asylum seeker.

It is shocking and frightening to me today to think that over 30 years ago I considered taking my own life.

Please always wait to see what tomorrow brings.

I have suicidal thinking pretty much everyday, and my motive for staying alive is what you describe in your post (not hurting loved ones). However, I don't have any trouble not acting on these thoughts right now. A few months ago (during winter) my depression was much worse so I spent a lot of time obsessed with death and fantasizing about how great it would be not to be alive. I hope your depression improves. Is there anything you can do to lessen your depression symptoms?

For me that is a factor. Maybe the biggest. Since in my lowest moments the other factors are easier to forget.

But I do have other things. Like not knowing what would happen if I did die.

And... there are moments where I'm glad to be alive. Yeah, it's mostly just my interests. I don't have a girlfriend. I barely have friends. I don't have anything to be proud of personally. I never have days where I'm the coolest person in the room. The kind of highs a normal person would get I don't. But I have my own highs. It'd probably seem like nothing to a person who can conquer the world... for me though, for a second or two, I feel blessed.

So regardless of how often I feel the opposite. Of how many times I feel cursed. There are times when I don't. When someone shows me kindness. Or lets me show them kindness. Or I connect to something that makes life feel good. That place in time is beautiful enough to make the suffering maybe seem worth it.

Which isn't to short sell the suffering. Stuttering, autism, severe anxiety... there is pain everywhere I look if I'm looking for pain. I have to daily try and look elsewhere.