What is wrong with me

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Hey thanks Bondkatten. To be honest it would have been so much easier for me to attribute blame, there are many unscrupulous things I can blame him for; But, that leaves me feeling weak, afraid, powerless over my situation etc. Im none of those things, and analogy wise; I don't want to be a precious indoor orchid flower, Id rather be a hardy dandelion.

I think if i got stuck in a cycle of blaming him (with some justification I should note) I would be a victim in the derogatory sense of the word. I would not grow because I had no need to, "its not me with the issue, its the world". While sometimes this statement is true, its detrimental if the 'minority ethos; is misused as a protective mechanism for the ego.

I think that you seem like a very strong and intelligent person and I hope that the next persons that come in to your life will be deserving of you.

Sounds like him and his family were a big part of your life. Sadness is a normal reaction. Just feel it. You don't need to be angry. Or look for a reason.

I am worn out with feeling sadness, and all the sensible healthy stuff Im doing just feels like Im putting off the inevitable. Im terrified of sinking into that bad place again, I just get like this every so often and I need to vent. But I cant even get to the point directly and that frustrates me beyond words.

Hi Amity,

First of all, you shouldn't hate yourself at all. You are a human being with hopes, dreams, fears and emotions like the rest of us, you have as much right to be on this planet as anybody else. If anything you should be very proud of yourself for how much effort you put into helping this guy. You did a lot of things for him that people wouldn't normally wouldn't be bothered to do for others so you should be proud of such selflessness. It really sucks to hear how he treated you after all you had done for him, unfortunately there are many ungrateful people like that in the world. And as far as your sadness goes, you can try to distract yourself from it through a hobby or something, and if that fails it may be a good idea to contact a therapist or someone like that. Hope this helps

I know the intensity of the feelings will decrease/will pass, its just hard to remember that when I become tired from constantly circumventing these feelings so that I can live life. I know it is unlikely that I will sink as low as I did before I sought medical assistance and therapy.

I didn’t help him so that he would be grateful, or be under obligation to me, I loved him, we were a married couple.
I met him in my late teens, we grew into adulthood together and had a genuinely loving relationship, his problems were mine, and mine were his, there wasn’t a dividing line; I just had the resources to help my partner when the crash happened.

The issue was that after we had struggled through some difficult years and I needed his support to recover my health, he withheld it, and engaged instead in gas lighting. I was no longer useful, he had become such a different person to the young man I met and fell in love with. Many difficult things had happened to us, and I guess those experiences changed him, that, or I’m even blinder than I realise and he was always this way inclined. Thanks catlover5, and welcome to WP .

Why wait til you do? Therapy can be helpful to avoid getting that low. Even medication can help while you're going through a rough patch.

Sorry, I meant that I'm afraid of going back to being in the low place I was in before I sought medical assistance last year.
I just feel it creeping up on me, remember how difficult its been getting to a healthier frame of mind, and panic because I think that I'm going to become that depressed again. I am on medication, and going to weekly therapy, its not as likely to happen now.

Good that you have that support system in place.
I know what you mean about fearing returning to a low point. Lately I feel that I am being pushed to the limit. I try to combat my negative thinking, but I keep feeling waves of loneliness and paranoia.

The end of a marriage is especially hard. I broke up with my ex husband almost 10 years ago and I still feel bad about it sometimes. I try not to think about it.

*hugs*

We're sorry to hear that.



Sweet Pea hugs



Perhaps you can find a way to convince yourself that you're a loveable person.

Thanks CockneyRebel, and its nice to see your posts again
Sweet Pea hugs to you too.

Those Sweet Pea hugs carry plenty of Oooomph!