Who is being unreasonable here?

Post Reply New Topic

He has had "actions" like this many times before ever since I were a kid. It is his ultimate solution when he feels offended. It is apparently a manipulative behavior - mom says he tries to show us "that he doesn't have to depend on us at all and we should be thankful when he speaks to us because it's us who need him, not the other way around" and prove that "we can't do anything properly without him". But when me and mom moved to grandma house once because of him next day he shown up at grandma door and he was all "I'm sorry and will never do it again just get back home". So it's not like he wants to separate.
Usually his silent days last 2-3 days but he has history of going mute for 3 weeks straight and then acting as if nothing happened without us doing anything to get him back. And he refuses to accept "I'm sorry." so we no longer say it because it never helps.

Sounds like he's on the spectrum and needs a lot of time and space for himself. And sometimes these needs will clash with your needs.

For future trips, if I was in your position I would make my needs very clear (something like "I'll come if it's no more than 4 hours, otherwise I'll stay here"), and if he doesn't want to compromise, respect his decision and stay home. It sounds to me like he is doing all the driving, paying for the fuel etc, if that's the case then it's fair that he gets to make the final decision. Otherwise, if it's your time and money, then you should get to decide.

More generally, if you're financially independent, or able to become independent, it might do you good to move out.

Good luck!

If I say this he will get angry that I am "blackmailing" him in order to "force" him to accommodate to my needs. He considers my "not going unless..." a "blackmail threat". His version of a trip includes going whole family or not going at all (but if we end up doing the 2nd he will still feel offended and shut himself in because HE wanted to go with us and WE made it impossible).
The only possibility to keep our household calm is doing what he says, not suggesting any changes and silently accommodating to the plan he makes without him telling us in advance what the plan is.

At this point it seems that he is just being immature. It's better to not emotionally react to it, because think of it as him not thinking about what he is doing, so he doesn't know what is right and wrong.

My dad is kind of like that sometimes, I believe because he was raised that way. Although he was often a nice guy, he can be pretty difficult sometimes. I was able to calm him down a bit by being assertive and reasoning with him. Remember also when some people get older they are not as sharp anymore, and can sometimes be dependant.