Living With Pain

Post Reply New Topic

You're not old--you like younger guys!

I think there's a side of you that's really youthful---but somebody else has to bring that out in you.

Have you seen this breaking news in San Bernadino? I feel so helpless and useless. The world is burning up and all I can do is whine.

Just read about it.

Truthfully, we've always had these sorts of incidents. They are more publicized now---that's why it seems like they are on the increase.

Sometimes, I feel like these people are given too much publicity, which encourages "copycats." Which encourages people who want to make a name for themselves.

The media analyzes these things to death--and thereby gives credence to the idiots who perpetuate these crimes.

Just makes me feel stronger about killing myself.

What is my pain and how do i live with it?

Have had varying physical and mental pain since childhood. Mental is the 1st i can remember. I remember at the age of 8 wishing i didn't have to live any more. No thoughts of self-harm, just overwhelmed with life and wanting to go to sleep...and stay sleeping...

That feeling has morphed into off/on depression and general anxiety disorder. I would refer to it as mental because it truly feels like my mind hurts. It feels worse than any physical pain than i have ever had; and i had 3 babies with no epidural for any of them. I would go through any of my 3 labors again if, by doing so, i would not have to go through the depression.

I pray a lot. I believe that Jesus Christ loved me so much that He died for me and knows and cares about my pain. (gospel of John) I do not believe prayer is therapy; rather, i believe that my pain is relieved when i pray because God answers the prayers of desperate people. I find great comfort in reading my Bible and studying the New Testament in the original Greek it was written in. Many times i find something comforting in my Bible just at a time when i am hurting, as if that which was written over 2000 years ago were written just for me at that moment. Can i explain this? No. But it happens over and over again.

Physical pain--i have had various abdominal pain and surgeries--pain due to food allergies and other digestive issues. Gallbladder out, hysterectomy. I have a herniated disc in my c-spine and various joint stuff too. All the physical pain i have been able to live with. It is not pleasant but i endure it or take the occasional advil. I found that comfrey cream is healing and comforting for joint issues. I injured a tendon in my ankle this summer and that has helped with pain and swelling from it. Also i have an ace ankle wrap that is good--heat/ice on painful areas. I do some meds but mostly go with natural stuff. Pain meds are not my friend. The NSAIDS give me stomachaches; the opioids (sp?) do awful stuff to my mind; narcotics? let's not go there.

Lately I have been rocking a lot and I'll repeat certain phrases in my mind, or lyrics, or memories. It helps.

Prescription drugs and coffee.

I can ignore physical pain until I have the bad sort of menstrual cramps, which happens a few times a year. Then it's ibuprofen.

But I don't deal well with mental pain. It comes and goes in waves. It changes my personality. I'm learning right now to not double-dip, so to speak, the emotional pain by adding another layer to it. For example, I have social anxiety. I often do not go downstairs from my rented room if I hear other people in the kitchen, for instance. I'll wait. But then sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have to wait and then I beat myself up mentally for waiting. I start to feel shame and/or guilt for not going downstairs. The guilt and shame is a self-judgement that is not based in fact and is reactionary to my social anxiety. It serves no purpose because it doesn't even get me down the stairs; in fact it seems to highlight the social anxiety even more and makes it -harder- to go downstairs. Ultimately though, that shame I get from not going down the stairs is something completely in my control.
The fear, well, I'm working on telling myself things, coping phrases, to help diminish it. It also helps to say out loud 'I am afraid' or 'I am nervous'. A coping phrase I like is 'I am safe, I will not be in danger if I go downstairs'. It's surprising that it can help.

But sometimes, like last night...like last night...where I hit myself repeatedly, where I couldn't stand the agony. I fortunately usually end up quite tired after such strong emotional attacks (and they really do feel like attacks), so I usually go to sleep. Rocking helps, letting it do its thing and pass helps, trying to find a place to go back to dull pain helps. Just waiting, telling myself that the emotion will pass.

I have a friend who lives with severe physical pain and she does a lot of rocking to get her over the worst times. Usually when the pain is so deep that i feel i just cannot endure it anymore and am begging God to take it away...that is when i feel peace come over me. The pain usually eases soon after that. I don't understand it.

I sometimes listen to Ravi Zacharias's message "The Problem of Pain." Very poignant and has brought me comfort. There is also a book by Amy Carmichael, Rose From Brier, of short stories and poetry from a time when she was bedridden in severe pain. Her words in this book have been a comfort too.

I hope you can find some relief. Pain is so very wearying. It intrudes on everything and hinders in all kinds of little ways. As C.S. Lewis said, "I think i could write another chapter on pain, if i could just get rid of this toothache!"

Haha, Lewis was great.

Pain is a presence in my life. It can sap my will, strength and leave me in a very dark place. I understand. Take it one day at a time. Pain meds can help, but be very careful. Mindfulness and exercise helps me get through it.

Good luck, be strong and brave.

EDIT: Read about your diagnosis. My heart goes out to you.

Haha, coffee is awesome!


It really does sap one's strength. I find myself sliding from grumpy to outright angry. Not at anything in particular, just not content.

My 1mg of Abilify helps with my mood swings. A lot. I would assume that it's prescribed to children on the spectrum to help with behavior because it makes them feel better on the inside like it does for me.

I take 2mg of Abilify for depression. It works great.

I can relate to the back pain, although I'm sure yours is worse than mine. I have some disc degeneration and osteoarthritis. I have pain and stiffness when I get up from a seated position. It's manageable with a topical gel my doctor prescribed. The pain gets worse when I hike, but not enough to keep my from doing it. I'm fearful that it may someday become too unbearable to pursue my passion for hiking off trail, though. If I lose the ability to pursue my primary passion...(I won't finish that thought).

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Ann. I know it sucks!

P.S. Love your new avatar! Stunning!

Thanks ... it does require rethinking things. I had a telephone interview with a call centre this morning and got an on-site interview tomorrow morning. Never did I think I would work in a call centre, but who knows ... it could work.


Thanks