Please validate my self-pity party.

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And this had to happen a few days after I ordered myself a box of Cohibas as a Christmas present to myself. I think it will be a while before I crack into those. Thank God humidors exist.

OK, now I have lost my sense of humor. And I am starting to feel beyond miserable. This is no joke.

Pneumonia is horrible.
I'm sorry you're so sick.
Be patient with yourself - it will take a long time to recover.
The worst part of pneumonia is being wiped out.
Everybody has given you good suggestions for self-care.
Perhaps your friend is willing to watch a movie with you or play cards.
Or even read to you if you are too exhausted to hold a book or process the words on a page.

Nurse Angela - Some people with mild asthma can live life without a diagnosis until something like this happens. The symptoms you are describing sound like my husband and son (both asthmatics) when they get a lung infection, pneumonia or otherwise. The asthma makes any kind of lung infection *much* worse. Have you been officially diagnosed with asthma now? I hope so. (Not because I want you to have it, but because you need the awareness and treatment!) You still have a cough after two months and a steroid? I'd go back to the doctor.

I was seriously hoping to make it back into work by now.

This sucks.

Why can't I have a large cuddly bear pour my tea and serve me chicken soup right now? Hehehe.

One time I had a 103 fever.

What made me feel better: masturbation!

It was eerie---but the release caused me to feel better!

You know what, Sir....I think you'll be back to work very soon. You have lots of motivation!

TMI!

But it does help the "head cold element."

Feeling rather loopy the last 24 hours. Damn, this is awesome cough syrup.

No, I am not taking more than what is prescribed.

Maybe that has something to do with my complete lack of concentration the last day or so.

Yeah...cough syrup does have that effect!

Not unusual. At least you're feeling better!

Yeah, I am feeling better. Even if my concentration is nowhere to be found right now.

I think I will watch some Arrow on Netflix until my brain turns completely into mush. It's not like my brain is needed at the present moment, I already have a doctor's note excusing me from work for the week.

Perscription cough syrup can be a "mood altering substence".

I am slowly, but surely, returning to my normal self. I have made a few decisions over the last couple of days, and I have set up a group of accountability partners to keep me on the right path.

1) I will take pride in my place of residence. That means I will keep it clean and spotless. I imagine the pneumonia would have been easier to bear if I were not surrounded by an army of empty ginger ale bottles staring me in the face, all over the kitchen and living room.

2) I will cut down on my processed sugar consumption. That means a lot less ginger ale for me. I am almost 280 lbs. Granted, I am also 6'4", but I can stand to lose about 60 lbs off my belly. Besides, soda makes me feel sluggish, and the last thing I want to feel right now is sluggish.

3) I will actually start using the gym membership I have been paying for on a regular basis. Getting into a routine will be tough, but once I get through the first month, it will be easier after that.

4) I will seek out activity friends outside of AA and SAA. It would be nice to spend some time going to the cinema with some well-adjusted folk for a change. I am not looking for further emotional support, just some fellow geeks to talk about and do geeky things with.

5) I will work towards being who I want to be, and not stay with who I am comfortable being. When I am productive, and social, and not wasting time with bourbon and the Internet, I am genuinely happier as a man. Why do I ever stop? Because that is the insanity of the human condition, and I will fight the insanity of my human condition by doing what I want to do with my life.

6) I have got to stick to a tighter financial budget. Who knows how many awesome vacations I have missed because I blew my cash on alcohol, or video games, or eating out several times a week? I drew up a budget plan that would allow for some of those things in a much more moderate pace (minus the alcohol, of course), but I want to take more trips and have more fun with my life.

It is a shame that I am not allowed to save up much of a nest egg thanks to the SSDI system being designed to keep people dependent on it. Sadly, with my recurrent mental health issues, it is my reality that I really am not capable of holding down a full-time job in a competitive employment environment. I am looking at being dependent on this for the rest of my life, and I am not proud of that. Granted, I do not feel like a parasite over this. If I could go to school full-time, get a degree and get a respectable non-supported employment job without the risk of losing my medical coverage, I would do so in a heartbeat. The intelligence is there within me, but also within me is the tendency to hallucinate when things aren't going just right with my brain chemistry. Add my autism on top of that, and yeah, I would have to find an awfully forgiving employer if something like that were going to work for me. I have about one or two annual mental health meltdowns that seemingly come at random, and I will have those for the rest of my life. I have to work with them and around them.

That is yet another reason why I have no business drinking alcohol or smoking marijuana.

I am on SSDI, and will be on it for the rest of my life, but I will no longer be the guy who uses his check as an excuse to stay cooped up in the apartment 24/7. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt, it totally sucked.

I can go to school part-time, provided I pay for it out of my own pocket. But I will worry about that later. I have enough on my plate as things stand. I have an excellent PT job in a supported environment that puts my full intelligence to use. I have an excellent therapist, and an excellent support circle. All the cards are now in my favor. So I should play them as if they were in my favor instead of constantly reopening old wounds in my soul.

Hell, while I'm at it, I may also get around to finishing the novel I have been working on over the last few months.

Now is not the time for self-pity over my past, nor is it the time for self-pity over my bloodline. That has never gotten me anywhere I wanted to go.

I will recover from the pneumonia, and I will move on with my life.

Well, I went back to the office today and worked for a couple of hours before my boss demanded I went back home, thanks to the cough I have that just will not go away.

Bloody hell.