Insecure

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My insecurities have a lot to do with feeling out of place, unwelcome, and generally unsure of myself. Since I graduated high school without any clear goals for myself, this feeling has managed to creep into my safe spaces and seems to follow me like a metaphorical dark cloud over my head.

It took years of personal hell before I convinced myself to give antidepressants another shot and I managed to get a job that's very physically demanding - which has helped me to get stronger. Focusing on keeping good posture and form when lifting and carrying heavy things has had surprising benefits for my self esteem. I'm not rocking a six pack, yet, but I have a confident stride, broad shoulders, a surety in my quick steps, and a definite purpose for every movement (at least for about 8 hours, 5 days a week). I find it very reassuring to be able to think of myself as a reliable, friendly coworker and an invaluable member of the team.

Where things get really tricky for me is after I clock out for the day. I'm exhausted. There's not much energy left for me, and I'm not sure what to do with myself. The many years that I've spent battling depression have left me feeling hollow. I don't know myself anymore. There are many different forms of entertainment that I enjoy or at least appreciate on an aesthetic or intellectual level, but it's become very difficult for me to (re-)discover activities that do more than just distract me from that empty pit where my soul used to sit.

What can I do that will give me actual fulfillment? How can I actualize my potential? What do I really want in life beyond the basic comforts of modern life? These are the questions I find myself grappling with as of late. And I think seeking those answers is the most direct path to curing my insecurity. Figuring out what I need to do for me, and in the process connecting with people that have similar goals for themselves. Or vastly different ambitions, but similar strategies. Or perhaps absolutely nothing in common but a sense of humor and enthusiasm.

The phrase "squad goals" comes to mind. Like I want to assemble my own team, complete with a ridiculous name. Basically, a group of people all striving to find a sense of purpose and belonging. Maybe even just a dynamic duo, partners in crime cliché.

(Sorry, I usually only lurk on forums. I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to structure a post in reponse to previous posts versus monologuing. So long as my thoughts are relevant to the topic, I'm assuming this is okay?)

^ I feel that way too when I have more things going for me. I'm not very bright, but I feel much more productive when I keep busy with different things.

I feel like I do things that cause people to not want much to do with me.

I think one of my problems is that I'm more mentally slow than most people and no I'm not talking about just social skills. I'm clumsy, I'm forgetful and I don't have much common sense. I feel like these things cause people to feel sorry for me and get bored with me. I think people would rather be around someone who's more interesting.

Do you know the times or situations when you feel the least insecure around other people?

I tend to feel that way when I need extra help with doing a task that's really simple to most people. I also feel that way when I'm around people who seem judgemental and always seem to be talking behind someone's back.