cut myself

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Do I come off as very aggressive such that you told me to not shoot the messanger? As in, is that a personal thing you've seen about me so therefore you feel the need to say that? I'm trying to improve myself, so an answer would be nice if you return to this thread.

Weed has been crucial in helping me achieve mindfulness at points in time and in the exploration of what might be a self-identity. I have also experienced a bit more fear, but I perceive when I have experienced that it is because I am simply more -aware- of what's going on underneath, therefore I am not paranoid or scared of it. The first time I got high enough to have a sense of self I was literally giddy. It was like going to a higher level of consciousness. It helps me perceive things from various perspectives I otherwise would not seem to even be ABLE to see, even though I try desperately to be open-minded. Alas, the short term memory issues with such realizations mean they don't often last. A few things do. For instance, I managed, somehow, to hold onto the fact that I can think positively about things. It's a concept I knew but i could never...access that part of my being to change to be positive, if that makes any sense. At least, weed plus antidepressants have helped that.

My old dealer gave me 4 different samples of strain to try and I chose one that I liked.

I've done a few searches in google scholar and regular google etc about this, and I've found that weed can increase white matter connections in the prefrontal cortex, which is known to be increased in people who have high senses of self like narcissists. Seeing as I feel like I have little sense of self and therefore little control over anything and little motivation towards things, like I'm floating around in life most of the time, I'm assuming that THC itself is what causes that and might be what I'm actually looking for at the root of things.

I have...hidden anxiety which is actually just me being ashamed of myself and me trying to avoid becoming more ashamed when I'm around other people. I put up a wall. I think I have some oppositional defiant disorder traits as part of that wall.

cavernio, we share some common experiences:

I left my husband for a man who shortly thereafter kissed another woman in front of me. That was ten years ago and I'm still having sex with him. He didn't rip me off though.

I smoke weed and it is awesome. It was the first drug I found that help with my autism symptoms.

I have a tendency to cut myself when I am drinking and under stress.

Anyway, I think you might consider lowering your expectations with regard to friends. I have yet to find any that offer any significant help when I need them.

No, no not at all. It is more to do with me that you. I wasn't referring specifically to you when I said that.

I considered some get sensitive when discussing that marijuana may have negative effects especially the high THC strains.

It was also I was just relaying information that I have read about THC and CBD, so I'm a messenger.

This is kind of how I talk

Welp, she always came to me with issues, and I listened and tried to do my best which I know is basically nothing as her issues are hers, and I thought that she would just be a person who I know in person who would listen to me.

Thank for sharing your experiences androbot though, it is helpful to me. And that means a lot coming from me. (not that I'm trying to put myself above others, just....thank you, sincerely. I rarely find sincerity in myself when talking to what are basically strangers.)

hehe fair enough. I think we're totally opposite in terms of political ideology, so I understand where you're coming from.

My ex hasn't 'ripped me off'. I would not ask for money back from at this point in time since I know full-well he is still running the store through debt, and since I know I don't have a use for the money I gave him. Also, the money I gave him came through my parents when I asked if they would give us (my ex and I) a loan to start up the business. They decided to just give me a lump sum of money that was around the amount I ended up borrowing for student loans to get my undergrad degree. (I thought they'd pay for that and they basically told me they would but they didn't because of reasons) So it was easy come easy go money.

Now I'm stuck facing what I was stuck facing years ago before I started dating what would end up being my husband. Inability to push myself through to doing things I want, lack of a social life and friends and nothing to look forward to.

I think you seem pretty cool. I would want to hang out with you but you probably live in Denmark or something.

I live in Ontario, Canada, Cobourg right now, nowhere near dallas.

I think this breakup hurts so much because it felt like my only experience of what real love is. Not just romantically either.

Am a cold-hearted b***h for saying that I don't feel connected to my family?

There is nowhere else to turn to, nowhere where I can go for comfort. And I feel so rejected because I could show myself for once.

I have always hid my true emotions out in the real world, for the most part. I am vulnerable to have them, vulnerable to this ridiculous amount of pain I'm going through. I feel unloveable and unworthy, like it is all my fault.

But then it's mixed with fury in there too.

(sigh...crying/emotions have quieted)
It's one thing to say I'm pretty cool (which I am if I'm just a friend, I think!), but to be in a relationship with me is dancing with drama because my emotions are so strong or else I distance. I'm not diagnosed BPD for no reason. I don't not get along with my family for no reason. I'm an utter psychological mess.

Sorry you are feeling so crappy.

It is like an illness when I feel like you are describing. It does pass. It sucks when a friend lets you down. Nothing to be done about it though. Take care of yourself while you are feeling ill, you can deal with these problems later. I call it "taking mental health time." Time often reveals information and avenues that you don't have now.

I hope my post didn't sound too insensitive. I know you feel bad now. I think it is true that when you feel like you are at your worst then things can only get better. So I hope you don't feel like you are totally hopeless. And you don't need to feel ashamed of anything you have done or who you are.

I relate to a lot of what you seem to have going on. While I've never been diagnosed BPD (I haven't been diagnosed anything. ) from the things I've read I go down the list pretty textbook. Now that could be wrong. But a lot of the feelings you explain, the attachment, the ever-fleeting sense of self, difficulty making and keeping friends, emotional volatility. I get those.

I also used to cut myself a lot in my late teens/early 20s. It was almost always controlled-- except the time I put a 6 inch slash in my calf in a rage with an exacto knife. I guess I'm lucky I can walk... I found it to be relieving and actually created a strong calming effect on me. And it got me attention. Two things I really needed, or thought I did. Luckily that's when I discovered weed in my own life as a stabilizing factor.

My point is don't open that door if you've gotten this far in life without opening it. You may like it. Then it's hard to stop. You can hurt yourself because it can get more extreme as it takes more to bring the same effect... just like any drug. I've got a ton of scars on my arms and legs because of it. My arms and legs are hairy or else it'd be really evident and embarrassing to explain or worry about covering up. I'm self conscious enough to begin with. You sound similar.

It's also hateful. Hate is poison. I've eaten more than my fill. If you must hate, hate the things that keep you in a state of uneasiness and attack them instead. Try to learn to channel your frustrations, and actually stay the course one consistent step at a time, high or low.

As far as this guy you are with. He sounds like a manipulative prick. And a p****. What man is afraid of a chick (no offense) who's never even done anything to hurt anyone? He's really got you exactly where he wants you and knows it. I'm sorry but it totally appears that way. Now, of course, there's only one fragmented side of the story to go on, but if he acts one way in private and another around others, fake. Just fake. And manipulative.

I usually don't like to question peoples feelings, and excuse me if I'm over-relating here, but it seems you're probably the type that once someone gets inside, you become addicted and ripe for being manipulated. I know I do.

My point here is, even if it's sort of rambling, have you ever really tried to detach yourself from that intensity you feel toward this guy, and figure out why you love this guy? Besides history. Forget that. Today, the person he is. Do you love that? Or are you addicted to memories and could have beens? It's a real hard thing to have to look at when you deeply love someone. But it's for your own health. Before you say easier said than done, I'm having to do the same exact thing in my 10yr marriage right now. I'm the addicted one there.

Now I'm not saying there isn't plenty of things you really do love. Maybe you're putting the whole thing across in a much more negative light because you are emotional about it. But you owe it to yourself to really question that because it appears you are in a very disadvantaged position with this guy and he appears to both know it and use it to his advantage. I mean, if he can hang out with you, be cool, have sex, and then he leaves and you cant even go into the store you helped pay for, something is clearly wrong. It's not worth it to be with someone you pour yourself into and get nothing back. When you are a pour your everything into the one you love type person, you have three choices, find someone who's pouring back just as much, be alone or constant turmoil.

Sorry for being overly personal if I was. And I apologize for any assumptions I make not at all knowing you.

I would slam doors, screech, threw my phone a couple times, and once I shattered a glass but it wasn't aimed at him. Nothing ever aimed at him, didn't slam a door in his face or anything. These are things that caused him to fear me and since then he's never trusted me. He's yelled, belittled me, thrown his own phone, and often ignored when I would desire attention. In my mind none of these things were things that could not be worked out.

I know that through the haze of love I had hope that he would forgive me these things but he doesn't. He instead just says I am abusive and that he doesn't trust me. Meanwhile, he runs hot and cold on me, wanting my unconditional affection and love which I always freely gave when he'd let me. But the moment I would get a bit angry, he'd just put up another boundary/restriction between us. He has no clue to let things simmer down then go away; once a bad thing has happened he will do anything to avoid it at all costs. That is just how he works, so basically in any sort of real relationship that is truthful that has conflict, he will never be able to maintain it. We're both very aware he's fake in public; I have a mask and he has a mask. I'm the person he's been closest to in his life. His family just talks behind each other's back about the problems they have with other family members and actions, and will do things to appease the only vocal member of the family nearly always to avoid conflict, then be angry and bitter at her.

When he told me the other day, (before I decided to talk to my friend about all the recent crap), he said he didn't trust me, that's when decided I was going to finally let things rest. How could I possibly hope to have sort of relationship with someone who doesn't trust me? It's him who is giving into fear and holding grudges.

Nothing you said bothered me. I'm on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. I on disability because my mood shifts control me. I'm trying to keep myself from being suicidal this morning.

I knew going into the relationship that there would be issues. I didn't think it would end quite like this though.

Like, again, the biggest problem that I see with it is that I will let actions said in anger fizzle and go. What I have been born and raised and had to do in my house. For him, he deals with problems by doing everything he can do to avoid them in the future. And that means avoiding me, throwing the baby out with the bathwater the way I see it. First asking me to leave a few days, then he left for his sister's, then us not living together, etc. Pushing away a bit more every time.

Doesn't help that through all the crap both mine and his family think we'd be nuts to be talking to each other still. His family thinks I'm too emotionally disturbed for him to have any good relationship with, my family thinks he's an a**hole that treats me poorly.

Last edited by cavernio on 08 Jun 2016, 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

I know I'm harping on this a lot, but it's my thread in the haven, and it's helping me to vent and express myself and explain myself, all the things I see.

I didn't actually get much of any release from the cutting. It was very spur of the moment. I will do things to physically hurt myself when I emotionally get distressed, not unlike pretty classic-looking meltdowns. This would be more akin to something like that even though I was fairly aware. (I'm not always.)