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I don't really want to be a bitter person

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kraftiekortie
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14 Jul 2016, 8:06 am

I've had this happen to me numerous times:

1. I seem standoffish to a particular woman.
2. The woman tries to make contact with me.
3. I respond positively to the contact.
4. The woman loses interest in me.

I think there are at least some women who revel in the challenge posed by a standoffish man; then, when the man become less standoffish, it all seems like an anticlimax.

The thrill is gone.



hurtloam
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14 Jul 2016, 2:17 pm

sly279 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I do. Its not who I really am. I just find it so hard to make friends. I have a lot of acquaintances and they like me, but I don't have the kind of close friends that you can just pop in and see.

I am a caring person really. I don't dislike men and I still believe in love, but it's difficult to. It just seems like a lie. I feel trapped. Unable to make connections.


Same. I'm starting to distrust and dispise women. Few years ago all the married people I know told me there is no love. I didn't believe them but now I'm starting to. People just do relationships for monetary and social standing exchange it seems.

I too have no friends. I can't even remember last time I had actual human interaction :( I don't even have online gaming friends anymore I'm completely cut off.

I dont know what to do hurtloam.
I really don't understand why you having problems. I think if you lived in the US you'd be married already.


I don't despise men. I don't particularly blame them. It's not like I've met all of them. So you can't possibly despise all women.

I think Highlama is right, I'm imagining an ideal that probably doesn't exist. I have friends, they're just all at least 10 years older than me.

And I do think that people do find some happiness in relationships. I do know some who are happy in their relationships, so it's not all a lie. It's just not something I've ever been able to make work.



hurtloam
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14 Jul 2016, 2:27 pm

anagram wrote:
maybe that's part of the problem? you feel obligated not to show the parts of yourself that matter for a meaningful human connection, and then if you attract any connection, it feels fake because it's based on just-for-show facets of yourself, and the gap between what you feel and what you show to the world widens even further


That's a very good point. I think that maybe that's true.

But then I panic when I do show my real self or express negativety and think that people won't like me.



hurtloam
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14 Jul 2016, 2:54 pm

anagram wrote:

https://youtu.be/CJJUVvSI-kM
https://youtu.be/81RqEnvczV8



Good tunes btw



The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Jul 2016, 2:56 pm

Bath in sugar.



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14 Jul 2016, 4:22 pm

hurtloam wrote:
But then I panic when I do show my real self or express negativety and think that people won't like me.

yeah that's normal and understandable, and denying what you feel wouldn't do you any good. but with practice and persistence, fear can be lessened, or at least worked around

it's ironic but i think it's good for me (in a painful way...) that adhd is among my psychiatric conditions. because it forces me aggressively to look for workarounds and ways to trick myself into doing things that i believe i should do but my gut tells me to avoid. "changing myself is not a possibility, but changing the way i go about things is". i think it's possible to develop this mentality with deliberate practice, not only as a result of desperate efforts to stay afloat like it was for me

hurtloam wrote:
anagram wrote:

https://youtu.be/CJJUVvSI-kM
https://youtu.be/81RqEnvczV8



Good tunes btw

glad you like them :D. i like to post music like this, it feels like it says some things better than i can


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HighLlama
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14 Jul 2016, 4:50 pm

hurtloam wrote:
anagram wrote:
maybe that's part of the problem? you feel obligated not to show the parts of yourself that matter for a meaningful human connection, and then if you attract any connection, it feels fake because it's based on just-for-show facets of yourself, and the gap between what you feel and what you show to the world widens even further


That's a very good point. I think that maybe that's true.

But then I panic when I do show my real self or express negativety and think that people won't like me.


I can really relate to that last part. I think, for me, that happened a lot when I tried to fit in instead of being myself. However, I still tell jokes that just bomb, and I feel stupid if people don't get/like them. But, I let it go. And so do they, if they're decent. It can still be hard to sort out the balance of fitting in and being yourself, though. You do seem to have a pretty realistic view, based on your other post. Perhaps you're just meeting people who superficially seem right, but don't quite get how you communicate, so you easily feel rejected for being yourself. I know I've gone through that.

Do you feel you rush into things too much? I used to do that more, and it usually was not good. Which, then led to feelings of rejection and that I was inherently "wrong." I've started learning to pace myself, which is easier as I'm happier with myself. And, in turn, I've found I can be myself without the anxiety.



hurtloam
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14 Jul 2016, 5:29 pm

Um, no. If anything I'm too cautious. It's rare that I'm really head over heels for someone. Amd if I am I never know how to act on it.

I do wonder if I take too long to realise I like the guy. I have to find out a bit about him first and I think they seem to lose interest and move on, either that or they weren't really interested to begin with. I don't know.

I tend to find that men become more attractive the better I get to know them. And by the time that time passes it's too far along in friendship and more awkward to change the goalposts if that males sense.

Yes I think my way of communication is very much misunderstood. The real me isn't as quiet as the me people first meet. When I'm comfortable with friends I'm loud and jokey, but it takes a long time for me to open up.

Bitter men isn't the real me either. It's just small moments, but I worry people will remember only the bad small moments when I've flaked out and publicly declared that I don't need anyone,vthat I hate men and i've given up.

I think I'm seen as too independent and it looks like I don't want a partner, but then if I have a bad spell and get frustrated and tell people im lonely I feel like I look too needy. I think both are off-putting traits.

I'm mostly in the middle and probably seen as boring by people who never get to know me better.

I tend to like quirky, boisterous, eccentric guys, but I think everyone expects me to like someone more proper and dull. And the men I've liked probably assume that too.



kraftiekortie
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14 Jul 2016, 5:35 pm

I feel ignored! :(

You might not agree with my optimism. Maybe that's why you're ignoring me. But I am truly optimistic for you.

I've lived life. I know....I believe that you will find somebody suitable. Because you are reasonable.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 14 Jul 2016, 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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14 Jul 2016, 5:36 pm

hurtloam: incidentally, i'm pm'ing you once i've taken a better look at your posts and once i've thought of a half-decent conversation starter :mrgreen:. if you don't mind it, of course


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hurtloam
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14 Jul 2016, 5:54 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I feel ignored! :(

You might not agree with my optimism. Maybe that's why you're ignoring me. But I am truly optimistic for you.

I've lived life. I know....I believe that you will find somebody suitable. Because you are reasonable.


Sorry, I do appreciate your optimism. You're appreciated on Wrong Planet by pretty much everyone for your positive input.

Thanks. The thing is you don't know how I come over in real life. I am cold and distant and it's going to take a patient person to work through that and gain my trust.



hurtloam
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14 Jul 2016, 5:56 pm

anagram wrote:
hurtloam: incidentally, i'm pm'ing you once i've taken a better look at your posts and once i've thought of a half-decent conversation starter :mrgreen:. if you don't mind it, of course


Pms are always welcome. That applys to everyone you know. Music is always a good place to start.



kraftiekortie
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14 Jul 2016, 5:57 pm

That's true. I don't know you in "real life."

I think the cliché "Insight is the first step towards recovery" is applicable to you at this point. You're hashing things out with us. This is good. This is progress.

And I think you will succeed---because you are trying hard. Results don't usually come right away, though. But they do come.



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14 Jul 2016, 6:00 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Pms are always welcome. That applys to everyone you know. Music is always a good place to start.

it is :)

truth is i'm unfortunately busy right now. or i should be... oops. random posting is okay for procrastination, but i like to give proper attention to personal conversations


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HighLlama
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14 Jul 2016, 6:03 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Um, no. If anything I'm too cautious. It's rare that I'm really head over heels for someone. Amd if I am I never know how to act on it.

I do wonder if I take too long to realise I like the guy. I have to find out a bit about him first and I think they seem to lose interest and move on, either that or they weren't really interested to begin with. I don't know.

I tend to find that men become more attractive the better I get to know them. And by the time that time passes it's too far along in friendship and more awkward to change the goalposts if that males sense.

Yes I think my way of communication is very much misunderstood. The real me isn't as quiet as the me people first meet. When I'm comfortable with friends I'm loud and jokey, but it takes a long time for me to open up.

Bitter men isn't the real me either. It's just small moments, but I worry people will remember only the bad small moments when I've flaked out and publicly declared that I don't need anyone,vthat I hate men and i've given up.

I think I'm seen as too independent and it looks like I don't want a partner, but then if I have a bad spell and get frustrated and tell people im lonely I feel like I look too needy. I think both are off-putting traits.

I'm mostly in the middle and probably seen as boring by people who never get to know me better.

I tend to like quirky, boisterous, eccentric guys, but I think everyone expects me to like someone more proper and dull. And the men I've liked probably assume that too.


I hope this isn't inappropriate, but you certainly seem attractive to me based on your personality. You seem fun and you are inquisitive and have self-reflection, which are great qualities. I say this because I think there are others out there who would feel the same way, so don't be down on yourself for being yourself. Hopefully you can figure out how to meet people who will see you as a strength. Perhaps you're still figuring out the best way to present who you really are to others. It also sounds like you meet a lot of the wrong people. None of the qualities you listed about yourself are bad or turnoffs (if they don't like you being independent, forget them).

I can have a tough time with new people too. Perhaps it would be easier for you to ask them friendly questions so they talk about themselves (which they'll love) and you can gradually introduce more of your personality as you meet with them over time.