Not going to stay weak for my partner

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good for you as much as you can,be well and be strong.

I'm struggling again with my husband's behaviour. He says all he needs to stay cheerful is for me to stay cheerful, but that's crap I'm afraid. I think he's depressed but he won't get help. Me, I'm into my things - designing, making, being generally creative, working at the wildlife hospital. These things bring me joy but it's very hard to enjoy them when he's hanging around bringing me down. I'm always asking if there's anything I can do to help. I make jokes but he's just sour. I'm seriously wondering about our compatability. So often when I've smoked dope in the past it's to cope with his misery. Am I being selfish here? This is a battle that goes on inside me forever. Do I do what I have to do to survive emotionally or do I do everything I can to help him? Because the two things don't seem to be able to co-exist. I want to help him but he won't be helped. i really despair sometimes. I'm not going to start smoking again though. I think staying away from the weed is the key to my strength. If I am becoming selfish it's just me trying to survive. Sorry, I'm repeating myself now. I just can't see a solution to this problem. Sometimes I wonder if I went away he'd be better off, but he tells me that if he lost me he'd have lost everything. I've even wondered, recently, for the first time, in fact, that him saying that is manipulative. Especially as he's also said that he doesn't particularly want me to work for money and is proud to look after me. I'd like us to look after each other, as any couple do, but, as I've said, I don't want to be dependent.

Please excuse the rambling! I just needed to get this down to feel less alone with it. I'm sure y'all understand!

It's meeeeeee!! I'm going to pm you in just a few, but I wanted to say this here so that maybe it'll be of use to others, too. This is what I've learned through my own marriage problems and subsequent marriage counseling for the past year.

1. We are only responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and attitudes - not anyone else's! Our partner's problems are their own, to work out or not!

2. We can't force our partner to see the world our way. Every person is an individual, and we have to learn to accept (or at best tolerate, haha) our partner's own particular quirks, so long as they don't truly encroach on our own health or happiness.

3. We can't let ourselves absorb what we interpret as our partner's negative vibes and let them bring us down! I think that's what he means when he says he wants you to be happy, scrulie, cos I hear the same from mine. I really think they're picking up our bad reactions to whatever we're interpreting they're initially putting out (which may or may not be accurate). I have been working my ass off on this one, it's so difficult to read people, especially our guys!! The more flat and neutral a guy is (ASD or NT), the more paranoid we're gonna be that we've goofed somehow but can't tell how! It's like being blind in a way (a really bad, emotional way)! !

It's ironic that in order for us to improve our relationships, we have to give less of a s#%t!! Pretty twisted, huh? But apparently it's true. Since I've started working very, very hard on caring less, other people around me are much happier, and so am I! I even felt very guilty about this at first, but trust me I'm getting over it. You will, too! The bottom line is it's just easier not to care so much!! Once you and I (and doubtless a zillion other women, AS or not) can quit beating ourselves up in romantic relationships, life will become what it's supposed to be...a pleasure!!

Not just women!Being a martyr was part of being a husband in my family,and I still struggle to focus on my own life rather than my wife's.And it's not been easy for either of us,because she did demand and benefit from the attention at times.For me,it's probably a matter of finding a balance and knowing my realistic limits,rather than playing the role of "husband" and giving the impression that I have more of myself to give than I really do..More later,if I can find the thoughts.

Thanks guys! Unnamed, talk to you soon! Methinks, that sounds interesting.

Thanks for the reminder, Methinks! You are absolutely right, my bad! My own AS stepdad went through your same experience in his first marriage. It's every bit as tough for the guys, even more so in some ways. Kudos to you for working on it and building yourself up!!

Kudos to you for your good advice above.

What I meant by "martyr" was playing the traditional husband role of stoic,unflinching protector/provider,in the face of anything.Definitely not fussy or moody or awkward.Some people admire that kind of man,and in some ways I can understand it.In the case of my father,his "martyring" was only the occasional pouting,silence,and minor resentment rather than full-time self-denial and major resentment.He's lived the life he's wanted to be living and nobody was ever really taking advantage of him.

Though my wife and I had bonded over our peculiarities and planned a different kind of future for ourselves,once we'd been together a few years and "real life" entered the picture I was called to play a more traditional husband role.As I said,it's a role that doesn't allow for many ASD related "peculiarities" and,in my case,trying to play that role was dishonest and set a precedent I couldn't maintain.

I don't mean any of this to sound like sour-grapes or self-pity,just recognizing in hindsight that maybe if I'd known more about my own limits and challenges(and admitted them to myself),I could've been a more realistic partner instead of playing "the husband",even if that made some people uncomfortable.

It can be difficult to break patterns in relationships,especially when someone is comforble with the current dynamic.And communicating can be particularly difficult for people with ASD/PDD,so overcoming resistance to change can seem overwhelming or impossible.But it is not impossible if you are good to yourself and honest with yourself.You can learn how to have the life you want and need.

sheesh,how many times did I write "role"?

Anyhow,I don't wish to hijack your thread,scrulie.Maybe this can just add one more perspective to your ideas of self-empowerment in relationships.Regardless of gender,I'm glad you're finding a better way to live for yourself.That can only make you a better partner.

Thanks, Methinks! Lots to ponder.

Good for you, for getting stronger! You are, however many doubts you may be feeling now. That's part of the process. I'm sorry he struggles so with depression. I hate to say it, but he may indeed be manipulating you, even more than you know. If you suspect this, I can point you to some websites . . . I was in a marriage that was at one time very subtly mentally abusive, though it escalated very badly. This may not be your situation; just wanted to mention it, in case.

Thanks Trish! I think that people probably do manipulate each other more than they realise. It doesn't mean they don't love each other does it? Relationships are tricky. I'm probably manipulative too - probably we all are! We're all just trying to survive in our own ways.

Things are getting better for us! I've been off the dope for 18 days now! Husband is smoking a little bit. All we can do is take each day at a time....

No, it doesn't at all mean you don't love each other. My personal feeling is that it indicates real feelings of insecurity/self-esteem problems that keep one from being able to honestly ask for what's wanted or needed from the other. Sometimes it can be more habit than current problems with, for instance, self-esteem - that's something you can only determine for yourself. But to get real change, it requires some very honest talk between the two of you, without blaming each other, followed by real, loving pointed communication in non-manipulative ways.

Habits take a while to un-learn. You might or might not want to get into therapy about it, either separately or as a couple. If there's, for instance, verbal abuse going on, then the abuser needs some separate therapy before even considering couples' therapy. In situations where there's a serious, chronic abuser, couples' therapy is often completely ineffective, because the abuser has no desire to change. I'm not saying you're in this situation, but since the issue of manipulation came up, I thought someone in an abusive relationship may see this, and perhaps it could help a bit. Anyone in an abusive situation is welcome to pm me; I've been through it and will be glad to talk to them. We're all here to help each other as well as ourselves, right? It's part of how we get better . . . .

I just went back & re-read the posts on this thread & realized I'd missed your question about 'do I do what I have to do to survive emotionally . . . ?' The answer is yes, absolutely you do. It sounds like you're in a pretty complicated situation, more so than I'd realized, and dealing with it may be a very difficult thing. But I'm so proud of you.

Me again!! I actually interpreted this more as him trying to kind of say the "right thing" to make you feel better, scrulie. It doesn't sound so much manipulative as him trying to say that he DOES love you, whether or not it always looks that way! I used to always think that men said things like that to keep women down, but I'm no longer sure that's always the case. I think our AS causes us to automatically assume that we're always being manipulated in some way, or that others have ulterior motives that we're not consciously picking up on like maybe an NT would. I know from having recent long talks with both my AS mom and NT dad that he wasn't the manipulative sociopathic misogynist she'd always assumed he was, and she's not the cold, paranoid b#&ch he thought she was...ok, maybe she IS a little paranoid! I think in order for our relationships to survive and thrive, we have to be willing to let go of a little of the "worst case scenario" thinking when it comes to how we assume our partners feel about us. If they're outright verbally or physically abusive, that's a whole other story. I'm not making light of those situations. But I think sometimes we give our men a little too much "credit" for being manipulators, when they may in fact be more Homer Simpson than anything else!!

No, no, it wasn't like that. I wasn't feeling insecure when he said that, he was! I was actually perfectly happy other than worrying about him being moody.



To be honest, I've been the opposite, far too trusting. This idea that I could be being manipulated is actually a really new thing for me!



LOL! I do know what you mean! And I know I do sometimes interpret his non-verbals in an unnecessarily negative way. But he has been verbally abusive toward me on occasion. When we fight, I always try to keep it 'clean', if you know what I mean. He's the one who resorts to sarcasm and sometimes personal attacks on my character. I don't do that. I can't bear it when he does that. I really go into meltdown when he does it, and often end up self-harming in those situations. And yet it's generally me that ends up apologising and grovelling.

We actually just exchanged angy words a few minutes ago, because I insisted on doing something that he didn't think was necessary (I wanted to move something I'd made to avoid it getting damaged while he was doing something nearby). He really seems to get wound up when I don't 'obey'. It didn't cause him any inconvenience my moving the thing, it just annoyed him because he'd told me not to and i did it anyway. In the past I would have obeyed just to keep the peace but I'm not going to be bossed around like that any more. It was a trivial incident, I know, but it typifies the dynamic of our relationship. He always seems to think he knows better than me. When I was smoking and weak, I'd let him get away with it. But not now.

Thanks Trish! That means a lot!