give me sleep

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If there's an oncoming train, I would welcome that too.

Death Is A Door

Death is only an old door
Set in a garden wall
On gentle hinges it gives, at dusk
When the thrushes call
Along the lintel are green leaves
Beyond the light lies still;
Very willing and weary feet
Go over that sill
There is nothing to trouble any heart;
Nothing to hurt at all.
Death is only a quiet door.
In an old wall.

Nancy Byrd Turner

^ sorry you didn't get the memo.

I think I should probably leave WP.

This has begun to feel like some pathetic, drawn-out goodbye and I'm having a hard
time dealing with my emotions.
Part of my trouble is I don't know how to do this whole seek help thing properly.
Never have.
I can't describe my situation properly and I can't respond appropriately to people who try to give me support.
I want to hide from the issue as soon as I've mentioned it.
I want help, but I feel overwhelmed by people paying me personal attention and asking questions.
That's difficult to deal with.
I seize up.
So I'm in this endless cycle of help me but I can't deal with the help.
That's one big load of redundancy right there.

Then there are the expected personality and behavioural changes that will come with my condition.
I don't want to get to the point where I'm telling everyone here to f**k off or something.
I know I've already upset some users.
I don't want to be upsetting people or having them tip-toe around me.
And then there's the cognitive decline where I'll probably be babbling like a loony before too long and spouting more hardcore s**t than I usually spout (hard to believe).

But I love this place.
I love the people.
I will miss everyone excruciatingly.
And I'll cry for the rest of my life.
But at least that shouldn't be too long.

Raleigh, you haven't cognitively declined, so why rush things by cutting off communication with people? You're insightful, and you have a valuable perspective to offer WP. What do you do for fun, to keep yourself sane? Hugs.

Please don't leave WP Raleigh
We're always there for you
No matter what transpires
You haven't reached that final bridge of your journey yet
The path might be stony
But there are wild flowers alongside
to lighten the leaden footsteps.

Raleigh, would it help to post daily guidelines for us, maybe something like "please don't discuss x today folks, not in the mood" or "would like support today, please" or "would just like to share about x today though not in mood for replies re x today" or "open to discussion on x today" and so on so that you set the agenda at all times. It occurred to me that you would feel more in control over the process of interaction, (and I think control is important for you to exercise at this very stressful time).

It's your time. If you want to set the agenda in your threads, I would support you in that, and remove any posts which disrespected those guidelines on any day if you asked me to. Other mods may want to assist too, so that you have greater control here.

We really really really really love you being here with us. Not just now, we have always loved having you here.

What the hell is going on here.

I mean not to be an alarmist but I am concerned now. To my knowledge people have said stuff like this on this forum and then carried out what they said they would.

i am trying to help but i may get it wrong, so moderators please cut this out if it is not well conceived.

i have had health anxiety for so long. i fear death because i can not imagine how i can not be anything ever again.

it's like you have been alive for ever when you think about it.

you can not remember when you were born or before, so in your mind (and everyone's) you have been aware forever.

"how can you just give it up and cease to exist and be involved in life?" is the thought that comes to my mind.

i have had over the last 2 years a freak out about (some of them overlapped)

1. liver failure or cirrhosis (6 months)
2. lung cancer. (3 months)
3. atrial fibrillation. (2 months)
4. loose teeth (i check them still every hour or so) (2 years)
5. naso pharyngeal cancer (lose eyes and have face carved out) (2 months)
6. colon cancer
7. malignant hypertension

etc etc.

i never went to the doctor to find out whether my fears were valid because i was too afraid to get the info that i dreaded.

i imagined the dreaded consultation...


doctor: yes come in mark and sit down.
me: err... ok so is there anything to worry about?
doctor: unfortunately there is. your biopsy indicates a very aggressive type of carcinoma, and the mri scan shows that this has spread to an extent that at this point we would consider inoperable.
me: errr soo, what? i'm going to die then? so i am riddled with cancer?
doctor: i am afraid to say "yes". what we can offer you at this point is a palliative type of care that.....blah blah blah......

i would go insane. i am certain i would crumble at that news. i would need immediate sedation.

but you keep up a brave face and in other threads, you contribute in a happy and light hearted way, and i wonder at your bravery.

but if there is no cure found before it is too late for you, just know that everyone that ever lived or will ever live will die.

everyone.

if the experience of time is a physical sensation of the living brain, then after you die, it will seem to take no time at all
for the rest of us to also come over to your side.

i can't imagine being unconscious forever. before we were born we were unconscious for so long, but it finished in our present living state.

i hope a method of prolonging your life can be found that will give you time until a cure may be found, but even if that does happen, you will never last forever.

yeah raliegh, you are incredibly brave to show a cheery side knowing what you know.
i would be doped up to the eyeballs if i had to live with the knowledge of my demise. i just could not bear to experience the knowledge in sobriety.

good luck you.

I am happy to be guided by Raleigh as to whatever edits he wants if and when he wants (or doesn't want) in this particular thread.

^^^ Seconded!

sorry you are going through tough time, Raleigh! i don't think leaving this place is going to help, unless u feel more comfortable expressing what you feel in another online space.

this online/anonymous outlet really helps, especially when u find those nice random strangers who "at least" are always ready to listen.

I wish I could comfort the OP in some way. I can hardly post without feeling like an a**hole; that's why I prefer to quote others.

Nurse Angela has PM'ed me with the facts about Raleigh's condition. Again, I apologize to Raleigh if I put her on the spot unintentionally. I too would like Raleigh to set some guide rules, if she would like, so we here would know where not to go at any given time.

I'm not brave.
I'm a quivering mess.

I see someone posted about 'fake terminal illnesses' in RD.
Can I jump up now and say, "It was all a joke!?"

Please?