21 years old, senior in college. Ready to die.

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Sounds pretty terrible. I can really relate to a lot of the stuff the OP has said.

I must confess that I've been having a very rough time lately. More often than not I've been dealing with serious bouts of depression where I just feel very sad, numb and empty. My self-loathing has escalated greatly and I've gotten to the point where I've just about convinced myself that I'm a bad person. Despite of me having a relatively successfully college career I still feel like I'm just not good enough and for some reason I don't deserve my success.

Also another thing I've been struggling with lately is that my birth mother died when I was only an infant and now as I've gotten older the ramifications of her absence in my life are now more deeply felt. I've found myself wondering whether or not she may be proud of me or just bitterly disappointed in me.

Then again, I do have a stepmother and she's been pretty good to me, but I guess it's not really the same. More often than not I'm left feeling like I'm missing part of my identity and I don't have a big picture of who I am. Also she really wasn't supposed to have children because of a rare disorder or something but for whatever reason she had me and she paid the price for it. And now I'm left with residual guilt over her death and I feel like it's my fault that she's dead in the first place. Not only that but now I'm deathly afraid of the very same thing happening to me and I don't want to die and leave my kid(s) all alone just like what happened with me.

So with that I decided that I'm just simply not going to have any children and when I do get enough money once I start working, I'm going to have a procedure done and it'll be the end of that. Another factor tying into my decision is that my father has a colleague with two children on the spectrum, one that is high functioning. And that scares me because I'm worried that as a woman with high functioning autism I may end up having a kid who may turn out to be much worse than I did and I'm not sure I can handle that at all. I already have enough problems as it is, with chronic low self-esteem, constant anxiety, (I'm now starting to think I may be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder because of my constant worrying about everything!), chronic deep-seated paranoia, loneliness and isolation, and having to deal with elderly parents with various health problems.

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it's probably for the best. I already have 6 nephews and nieces anyway, (the youngest born less than a month ago), so who needs more kids in the family? I've actually told myself that if I don't have children by the time I'm 36 I'm not having any at all, (but I may or may not adopt). I may have to gradually wean myself off the idea of having kids and just accept the fact that it just isn't a feasible idea for me at all to be a mother and I'll turn out to be a bad one anyway especially with my bad temper. And the fact that the likelihood that child protective services is going to pretty much take my kids away from me the minute I give birth scares the living jeepers out of me.

But whether or not I'll ever find anybody? That's another story for another time and this post's already getting too long but honestly I don't think I'll ever find anybody because I'm going to drive people too much up the wall and I already feel I'm nothing more than a nuisance to my parents anyway. And no matter how much my father loves to tell me that "there's always someone for everyone", I'm probably going to be one of those "forever alones" who'll get a reputation in the family as the "kooky spinster aunt who lives alone with one or two dogs and does nothing but write and play video games all day". That's another dream I may have to eventually give up too by the time I turn 36.

I'll shut up now.

MissBrainiac, your post is chock full of incorrect beliefs based on flawed assumptions. I'd leave you to it, except I see how those beliefs both cause you to suffer, and limit your possibilities. A course of cognitive therapy (or CBT) might help you quite a lot. It couldn't hurt.

Maybe it's time I tried that. I've been seeing psychologists on and off from the time I was 12 and I've made some improvements but I'm still suffering badly from chronic anxiety and low self-esteem. I'm not so sure how much longer I can live like this. It's gotten to the point where I've been neglecting my health and my stepmom's been complaining that I've gained so much weight and she's worried that I'll end up diabetic like my father. I have been seeing a psychologist and I've been making progress with her but now she moved to another office somewhere else so I can't see her anymore.

Well stop wasting time then, it sounds like you have nothing to lose. College isn't going to hand great experiences out to you prepackaged for consumption. You have to grab life by the balls.

You're a young American female. You're going to be fine.

I detect a note of jealousy.

If you are depressed I would suggest therapy and medication. If those don't work then I would consider giving ECT or shock treatment a try. I was once severely depressed and medication did nothing to help me for some reason, but after several ECT treatments and time I began to feel better. I have suggested this treatment to others who are depressed on this forum, for it truly helped my depression. It's far less barbaric than it used to be. It might cause some memory problems but I'd rather have memory problems than feel like s**t all of the time wouldn't you agree? If nothing else has helped I suggest talking to doctors about it and giving it a try.

After doing some more research you should only try ECT as a last resort. First off, make sure that they give you anesthesia because some countries do ECT without anesthesia and then you have a seizure and your body thrashes around and you can break some bones. It has saved people's lives, including mine, but it has also caused severe memory problems and other problems with some people. I met a person who couldn't remember anything of her childhood after having it. However if you are severely depressed and you feel like killing yourself and medicine and therapy and everything else has failed then you might want to consider it. Just talk to a doctor about it and its potential side effects and if you should try it.

Big companies often have Human Resources departments that require degrees for certain jobs--a boss may not be able to hire someone that is lacking a degree. I think the same is true with a lot of government jobs.