Shahunshah wrote:
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way Kris94, you sound like a person with potential, its just that yourself seems to be your worst enemy.
Do you know why you are feeling so unmotivated at this time?
I have severe clinical depression. I've attempted suicide a good few times in the past. I just can't seem to see a point in anything at all, especially household work, getting a job, all those things. I feel like I've already got enough to deal with mentally without having to take responsibility and start my life on top of that. I feel like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill every single day just waking up and doing the things I ENJOY doing, never mind the things I don't enjoy doing or I see as secondary. It may be helpful for me to point out I've had three deaths in the family over the last 3 years or so, so I've been struggling with grief on top of everything else.
But it feels selfish of me to even feel depressed when my family are going through the same things I am, but they get up, go to work, get things done, and I just can't, because I won't. I have a serious attitude problem because I feel like everybody is on my back constantly and expecting great things of me, when all I want to do is survive, that's it. I'm constantly torn between wanting to get better, and not wanting to lose the comfort of being on the internet all day and staying in my room. It feels like no matter which direction I go, there will be pain. It feels unavoidable, and inescapable.
I don't see any psychologists anymore, and when I do see them, I'm so scared of telling them how unmotivated I feel, how I hate helping out, how I hate responsibility, how I just want to rot away, that I never ever really get help, because I'm scared that if I get help and get better, that I'll just end up spiralling into despair again and stop doing things. I feel like if I build expectations, it will hurt people even more when I can't keep up with them. So a large part of me just wants to give up and crash and burn, because I feel like that would be better than improving myself and then something terrible happening and slapping me back down to the same position and mindset again. I'm scared to start doing things, scared to start taking responsibility, incase I can't keep that same level up all the time. I know how ridiculous this all sounds, and I've been told again and again by those who care about me that isn't going to happen, but I don't believe them.
I was depressed last year, I guess the best thing I can say is that it passed for me and it can for you, the sun came up for me.
23 Nov 2016, 10:52 am
