Partner going out and getting drunk

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I've been my partner for almost 3 years and this is the first time I have seen him drunk like that. But these friends of his keep organising these drinking events lately, although luckily for me they get cancelled due to family/overtime at work, etc.

My partner is shy, so when he's out with these people he drinks to help him come out of his shell. He just doesn't know when to stop once he starts. In some evenings he has a beer or 2 to relax after work, when I'm not there. But he doesn't get drunk because I can tell when he phones me that he's his normal self. He goes to bed early because he gets up early for work. He's been in the same job for about 14 years and has never got fired or anything for coming in drunk, and being a bus-driver his firm would not tolerate any drinking.

If you feel you have to change someone in order to be happy with them, they aren't the problem.

I actually agree.

Well, I think I'm done. It's a real shame you think so little of yourself. Either that, or you assume overly simplified speeches like that are all true.

I'm with smudge regarding that statement about who is "the problem."

Read my lips.

ALL relationships that are worth anything at all, require BOTH parties to be open to each other and willing to work on the health of their union. Willing to be CONSIDERATE of the other person -- and that goes both ways. It will always be the other person's turn next. Nobody is perfect but you don't get through stuff by refusing to talk to each other.

But you guys think the person wanting to talk is the problem?

Hello, 1955 called and wants its dark ages back.

Someone with a healthy concern about something like a drinking issue -- or smoking -- or anything at all that is a fair thing to be concerned about, is not "the problem" just for wishing that the person would straighten up and fly right.

Talk about "blame the victim" thinking. . .

What I personally believe is that if there are things serious enough that I want to change the person in order to still be with them, it's clear he and I are incompatible. I don't want a smoker. . . I just need to not start dating a smoker. I don't want a drinker? Well I need to find someone who isn't that interested in booze. I don't want someone who does this or that, I need to get away from that person as soon as I discover that he does do this or that.

But I'm not "the problem" for holding the view that there are things that person ought to change, not just for me but for his own best interests.

However, I still walk away now. But I strongly disagree that anyone is "the problem" for wanting to change something that actually is terrible behavior, a dangerous habit, or destructive to the relationship.

Sorry but WOW. Just WOW. I'm 55 and I had to have my eyes opened about how I don't deserve to be treated like a piece of s**t by someone who also turns around and mind-fcks me by claiming he "loves" me.

I've now learned enough to know that NOBODY should be putting up with crap. And if the other person is such a stubborn cuss that there is no working TOGETHER on a matter -- because a healthy relationship is ALL about working on it together, I'm sorry but it just is -- then cut your losses and dump the loser.

Joe, this is not the first post you have made about your boyfriend regarding serious concerns you have. Have you heard the phrase "Something is rotten in Denmark?"

It's your life and your relationship but I'm sniffing subtle calls for help. And yet you then turn around and decide he is not the problem but yourself for wanting to be treated with more consideration. It took me years to wise up and learn not to be that person and it's a shame that it falls on deaf ears.

I have actually had a chat with his daughter, and she said that he has very low self-worth but is embarrassed to admit it. I know how he feels because I'm embarrassed to admit my AS to people. Drinking can be an addiction. I have a workmate who drinks and often gets sick from it. Instead of learning from it, she just drinks again. It must be addiction. It's a shame my own boyfriend likes his beer but I ain't leaving him.

You're a sweet and dedicated girl.

I hope you can be a force for positivity for this guy.

Sometimes, people just need a good kick in the butt....done with ladylike dignity, of course.

Thanks. Much better reply.
I'm sick of all those "he's going to be emotionally abusive, leave him now" advice.

But don't allow him to physically abuse you. Because that starts a vicious cycle.

You don't need all the craziness that comes with this sort of relationship.

As far as I know he's not the type to physically abuse. If he does I will give him another chance but then if he does it again, my anxiety instinct will kick in and I will have to tell someone, and flee the relationship because I know that a man can't love a girl if he beats her up, unless he's got Alzheimer's or something where he can't help it.

Please don't be angry with the posters who advocated that you break up with the guy. These posters have had bad experiences, and don't want you to have the same bad experiences.

I think a lot of people are over reacting in this thread. It doesn't sound to me that Joe's partner is doing anything apart from occasionally getting drunk, which is the norm for a lot of people. It would be different if he was aggressive. A lot of people find it easier to express themselves and be more honest when they've had alcohol.

I don't particularly like people when they're drunk either, as I don't drink myself. But it's not right for me to tell people what they can and can't do.

Perhaps make some ground rules that he doesn't disturb you when he comes home drunk, and that he doesn't expect you to clean up after him or whatever it is that concerns you. He still has to take responsibility for his actions when he is drunk, being drunk isn't a valid excuse for bad behaviour towards you.

i absolutely, 100% agree.

i've been a drinker myself grew up around drinkers, mostly alcoholics (though i never truly was an alcoholic). i HATE being around drunk people. i judge people when they're drunk and i always think they're idiots (myself included) but there is a big, BIG difference between someone who likes to just get black out drunk and an alcoholic.

i am willing to bet OP's boyfriend doesn't think he has a problem. he probably feels he could put down the bottle at any given time. he probably enjoys the release, and enjoys spending time with his friends. and that's probably why he's dismissing these problems in the relationship, because he isn't seeing the problem, because he feels there is not one. obviously anyone with an alcohol or addiction problem will always never admit to having a problem, so there could be more to this than what was posted, but it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't feel being drunk every other weekend is bad.

being drunk is awesome, and you can bet the next start to my weekend i'm popping open a bottle and getting annihilated. everyone handles stress in their life differently, and when my work week sucks as much as it has, that release of anxiety at the end of the week really just feels good. so it's easy for someone who thinks lowly of drinking to think anyone who gets drunk often has a problem, but it just isn't true. men aren't so easy, we don't always have that outlet to express our feelings or deal with our anxiety, let alone a socially acceptable one. alcohol is that outlet for some.

My other half is your typical Scotsman...he likes a drink.
He drinks every weekend. Every. Single. Weekend. Unless he's sick. And since he rarely gets sick...

Sometimes he acts stupid with it and I don't like who he becomes but on the whole, he is fine to be around.
It had gotten to where he would spend Fri and Saturday nights hammered and since he works away from home, I never saw him sober in the evenings over the weekends when he was home.
I finally had enough and we had a chat.

He now stays mostly sober Fri (he has a couple of cans etc) and limits it to binge drinking on Saturday nights.

Drunks make me nervous. Scared, even. My ex was an alcoholic. So I have unpleasant history I'd rather not repeat.

For so long as your other half isn't aggressive, try and tolerate it. If you still feel strongly, speak to him about it.
It's your right. You are in the relationship too. He doesn't sound a bad sort and your situ seems workable.

I appreciate my other half works hard all week and uses alcohol to de-stress. I wouldn't want to take that away from him, and you don't sound like you want to take it away either.
Just sounds like you want him to have some control over himself, which is the same thing I wanted for mine.

Just talk to him. I'm sure you will both figure it out.
No idea why the alarmists are suggesting leaving tbh. Unless there are posts n threads I've missed where he's not being good to you?
Relationships take work. If we all bailed at every hurdle. There wouldn't be any couples left!

It isn't about him getting drunk, it's the way he treats her as if she's the problem. Look at her other threads.

I think you might be helped by Al-Anon (families of alcoholics)

http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

My father was an alcoholic. For your sake and your man's, please go. It's just a meeting with chairs and coffee.

Your don't have to speak.


I wouldn't be surprised if they have meetings on line.