It's 2:30 am, I'm wide awake, and no one cares about me

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Valerian smells awful, but could be useful for sleep. I need something else though for daytime so I'm not drowsy.

If you are worried about what you might do with a whole bottle of meds, a Dr can write a script that directs a pharmacist to dispense only one weeks worth at a time so there wont be the temptation to OD on them. I understand that you are health conscious and worry about the drugs being unnatural, but wanting to commit suicide isn't doing much for your health. Talking to Dr about what they can offer, during what seems to me to be an acute situation, really could be a good idea. I could list a whole bunch of natural options but nothing I've found has ever done any good. I can't take the standard medical drugs for depression due to a genetic polymorph which makes it impossible for me to metabolize them. I wish I could take them and I'm actually jealous of people who can. They can change peoples lives but sadly not mine.
Talk to Dr. At least find out your options. If the Police are turning up, you could get yourself into real trouble. Please get help before it gets to that point.

What do you mean by genetic polymorph?

My experience with medication has been mostly awful, either gaining weight or constipation or both. Constipation always leads to more meltdowns, so I have to be careful with that. As far as gaining weight goes, I do wonder if that's likely to affect someone who trains hard 5-6 days a week as it does someone who is sedentary. I hate the fact that drugs are tested on animals though, that breaks my heart.

Anyway, I did take a high dose of melatonin, and got another 3 hours of sleep. If anyone does have any pill recommendations for meltdowns, I'll research them, but I'm still skeptical. If my son was with me I wouldn't need antidepressants.

Have you tried St Johns Wort tea?

I also recommend making yourself something really nice to eat. A good plate of food can be soothing. Ever tried a salad like this?

Slice a few raw mushrooms thinly.
Get a few handfuls of kale and place in a bowl. Add a tablespoon of cider vinegar, a pinch of salt and a little dash of sugar. Massage the mixture with your hands til it becomes small in the bowl.
Rinse some quinoa in a sieve then boil for 7-10 minutes. Drain and add to the bowl of kale.
Add the mushrooms too. Now chop a lemon in half and squeeze the half's juice into the bowl and pour in a tablespoon or two of olive oil.
Add 2-3 teaspoons of uncooked coriander seeds (if you've never had them you won't believe how tasty they are) and mix it all together.
Spoon it onto a plate and there you have a delicious meal you wouldn't find every day.

That one sounds really tasty. I do one a lot like that sometimes, with kale, avocado, lime juice, and Himalayan salt. I've tried adding mustard before and that was nice too.

I keep feeling like I should aim for at least 80% raw in my diet, but truth be told, it's a huge challenge in the winter, I think you've got the same winter we do, gray wet days and long nights don't really inspire many people to eat salad. But as I my finances improve, a juicer and high speed blender will definitely be needed. Ginger makes a great way to make raw foods more warming. And avocado, red capsicum (or bell pepper or paprika depending on where you are), tomato, cucumber, coriander, garlic, and chili makes for a really tasty raw soup. You can also leave in in the blender until its slightly steamy, as long as it doesn't heat above 50 celcius then it's still technically raw.

You're making me hungry now. A raw soup, I've never tried that but will have to. I am hoping to get a juicer and blender soon as well.

I need to do them more often for sure. I keep meaning to start a food blog.

What I do a lot lately for breakfast is chia seeds, goji berries, and walnuts, all soaked in rice milk for 10 minutes or so. Add raw cacao powder, and your fruit of choice. It tastes like crack, but the raw cacao is good for you, and most of the time it keeps me from craving junk later in the day. The chias and walnuts are also full of omegas, good for everyone but especially those of us on the spectrum. I usually add a splash of soy yoghurt too for the good bacteria. You're welcome.

You seem like a very smart person.

I wish I was as smart as you.

A food blog would be cool.

Thanks! I've been meaning to start a blog for ages, it's more of a question of finding time. Though it could be a good marketing tool for my business. Ah well, the hardest part is always getting started.

Try to think long term; the good thing about being autistic is that you might really be capable of that.

If the people taking care of your son mess up, he will eventually turn to you. How old is he?

Take care of yourself. Try to take care of your health, emotional and physical. Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't live up to your own standards. You don't have to be perfect to be a good parent.

Parenthood is longer than the 18 years it takes for a child to reach adulthood: it's for life. Most likely he will seek you out at some point.

You're doing remarkably well for someone with your history.

I think you're a fighter. Keep fighting

The hardest thing about this is after growing up in an abusive home, and now the home my son is living in is way too high risk. So he needs to live with me asap, otherwise PTSD will definitely be as much as in issue for him as it was for me, and my son is probably on the spectrum too so that makes PTSD worse. I definitely can't have that.

I think you are incredibly brave and strong. I, too, wish you the best, and would have wanted to be of support to you when you had been seeking it. I was in a bad way the other night, too, and came asking for support, but no one was around. I wonder if there is a thread specifically for when a person feels desparately in need of support in the moment. I’m glad that you have found support, here, by all the members in this thread, as you are contending with so much. I, too, send you hugs, as well as light and love. You never have to feel alone.

I'm doing horribly today, I see no way that a positive outcome for me, and any outcome where I'm in my son's life, is possible. I need to discuss these feeling with someone, but the crisis line doesn't give counseling, only drugs or lockdown, both of which would make this worse. The only thing stopping me from killing myself now is my son, but even then, they've taken us away from each other forever, and if I've been away from him for this long I must be an evil b***h who deserves it, if in the eyes of the law I'm worse than my father who molested me, something which I should take responsibility for. I can't take it anymore, and it sucks that people in my life hate me because I'm suffering, adding greatly to my suffering, and my son's too for that matter.

Big dragon hugs for you and your son. I'm not always great with encouraging or reassuring words, but I'll listen, and have plenty of hugs to give you. You definitely don't deserve to have to go through all this. You're a good person, and you clearly care deeply about your son and would do anything for him. Hang in there

Well I advise that you don't wait until all that's available is a crisis line. You need help and support to get better. Please go to a Dr. Talk to them and ask what services are available to you during hours because after hours all that's available is crisis lines and you would rather have better access to proper ongoing support and care that will stop you needing to call a crisis line. You need a proper plan. Take care. I know your overwhelmed but working with a Dr on a plan means you will have input and choice and a way forward and you really need that.