Am I too damaged to be fixed?

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there are some articles about "treatment refractory/resistant depression". that refers to clinical depression that does not get better with MAOIs or SSRIs.

thus, maybe i suspect i got counseling refractory depression .

started the current counselor in november 2016. the insurance covers one visit every two weeks, until november 2018. then it is all over.

the counselor does not pressure/encourage me to do anything or change. short of small things, like a mantra (for obsessions).

at this point, i can pretty much predict accurately, the counselor's response: "unfortunate thing that happened", "i'm sorry", "you did the best you could", "there is no way you could've known", "he got mad", "you felt bad", "what?", "rude", "respect", "kind", "scary", "intelligence", "happened". the counselor is so dramatic. she acts like i am a protagonist/comic book superhero. it makes me feel ashamed/guilty.

but her statements are not the absolute "truth", or even her opinion. her statements are what she fancies she would wanna hear, if she were in my situation. but what she imagines she would wanna hear, is not necessarily what i wanna hear.

in particular, i feel a bit awkward when she acts like i am so morally innocent, like i am entitled to whatever i want. b/c of course, i know even she does not believe what she told me. all this praise. she acts like i would crumble if she gave me anything besides euphemisms, empathy, and lavish praise. and kind of paranoid, maybe she is correct.

but, in her defense, she is by far, the best (out of over 35 counselors) that i have had so far. so whatever.

the other thing is that, i wonder if she is just doing what she learned in grad school. b/c different grad schools, in different years, teach different things.

and maybe all her other clients want her to treat them, the way she treats me. maybe she treats all clients the same way.

maybe if she were to have treated all her clients the way i wanted her to treat me, she would only have one client left.

so, i can't imagine her perspective. and i ain't telepathic.

yeah i know, a lot of the problem is my fault. (fine).

but seriously, "actions speak louder than words", and "loose lips sink ships".

the counselor does not have the authority to intervene in situations.

b/c i can tell, immediately, how her choice of terminology/words/euphemisms betray her bias in my favor.

so i cannot and will not just blindly believe whatever she tells me.

counseling: "a day late, a dollar short"

(not a joke. the previous counselor had the nerve to tell me "you're funny", in this patronizing tone, when i said that. but that is not a joke. and the previous counselor was not nearly as smart or wise or important, as she acted).

you can let them think they "won," by remembering "mediocrity only comprehends itself," they are mediocre so they think they won and that they are the be-all and end-all of people when in reality they are petty. in a bigger sense they are the same kinds of losers as those little kids who failed the gumdrop test.

Marknis, What I don't understand is why you give so much power, time and energy to people who are not worthy.

You want to prove 'these people' wrong, but who are they? I mean really, who the F are they anyway?

When you are ready to give that power, time and energy back to yourself for yourself I suspect you will begin to go in the direction which is authentic for you. What do you really want which hasn't been dictated by others?

The school bullies who tormented me, my family members who aren't nice, and my detractors here.

I want to live a life according to my values. The Bible Belt does not respect that.

if I was in the bible belt, i'd expend my last spoonful of energy in getting out of there.

What I meant was that these people have no value for you so why are you giving them so much power?

I understand you can't choose your family members but you can choose your friends. The people you hang out with at the weekend seem to give you more than anyone. A reason to look forward to that time.

It is a start.

You can build upon that.

It may have to be online at first, but that's a start.

It is very difficult to see things, even yourself, other than as those around you see them when those around you all appear to feel the same way and have the same opinions. You know the world is a bigger place than where you are logically, but it's difficult to feel that way when everything around you all the time is like that.

The really stupid thing is that when you get away and would be able to prove those people wrong you won't bother because you won't care about what they think any more, because you'll see how small they are. But you will need more than us telling you that for you to believe that.

What is it that stops you leaving, is it emotional, or financial, or something else? For example with me it was a lot to do with my contamination issues.

Probably financial.

That and my self-esteem is extremely low. Any sort of mistake I make can ruin the day for me. I also get stuck in routines and trying to break out of them is a headache. I am stuck in a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break out of it or if it's even possible.

Marknis

my sister's husband's dad went from Germany to San Francisco to visit. in San Francisco, sister's husband's dad fell off a ladder. he had to go inpatient. his Visa was scheduled to expire meanwhile.

he hired a private pilot, to take him from San Francisco to Germany. on the pilot, he hired a medical doctor.

in "Not My Boy" (book), RJ's dad claimed RJ got 160,000 bucks worth of professional counseling. RJ was still under 12 years old.

so.

maybe there are a lot more without medical insurance, than the ones that can afford all the professional services they want/need.

but "life" still goes on.

anyways, the reason why i mentioned that, was b/c "Am I Too Damaged To Be Fixed" kind of sounds like, the one doing the fixing is either you, or a professional.

seriously, though. it's like it takes a lot of constant work, to get the chance for a small, temporary improvement.

for me too. in my case, maybe i could improve better than i am now. but i could not function as well as an NT in the same situation

Hehehe, so well said. I am a country boy, but not in this lifetime would I move back to the country. City people have a much more open view of life.

Furthermore, I am 34 years old

Even if someone set up a Go Fund Me for me, or something really weird happened, and I got 160 000 bucks worth of professional services, then what?

Maybe it is too late to be a "happy child"

When I was 16, the French "teacher" had the nerve to make me go to a school psychologist. The school psychologist was totally condescending. "Are you a happy child?" She had the nerve to ask me

I envy you, Marknis, for you live in the US. I sometimes feel ambitious but then I realize that many things I will never be able to fulfill.

You do have the best avatar on Wrong Planet though .

Any news on getting an assessment?

I deleted my initial answer as it reveals too much personal info. Answering this might be done via PM, if you like!
Hint: not yet.

Would you be kind enough to give me an example of when you did try to change your thinking.