I'm such a f**k up

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Thanks AspieSingleDad and AnneOleson for trying to help.

I can't (or rather don't wish to) talk to my dad about my plan.

I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment today - I don't think she understood how serious I am about it. Not that I wanted her to really, I just thought that out of everyone she would be the one I should talk to about it. She certainly didn't manage to come up with anything to change my mind.

I also tried to talk to my autism support worker this evening but couldn't get the words out.

I have been texting Samaritans for a few days but that hasn't helped either. I still feel my plan is the right way to go - for everyone.

How do you plan on killing yourself?

Might you have a quaker group nearby? They can offer support and maybe you will feel at home with them. I know there are many quaker groups in the UK.

I don't think it's appropriate for me to discuss my method here. Suffice to say it was confirmed as lethal by the forensic psychiatrist in prison when I told him of my chosen method (which at the time did not have a date attached to it).

There is a quaker group nearby, yes (just a few minutes walk from my home). I don't think I could make myself go to a new place with new people like that though. Even if I could, I couldn't go until after my dad leaves on Friday.

I can understand not wanting to talk to your father about your plans. There have been two times in my life when I have seriously planned to end my life. I couldn’t see any other option. The first time I was saved by what I truly call a miracle. I was transferred to another part of the country, away from an abusive marriage. There was no one that I felt I could talk to. That was just over thirty years ago and only spoke of it for the first time a few months ago. I’ve never told my son, the person closest to me. The second time I did speak to someone. A stranger, not a professional. It was so hard. I was so angry. I didn’t want their help. And yet it did help. Im 61. I can’t say that im out of the woods with these thoughts. But it is a beautiful spring day. Id like to see at least a few more of them. Think about the Quakers after your father leaves. You don’t need to make eye contact. Stare at your hands, your feet..... PM if I can help.

Here’s why I think it’s difficult for people to explain to somebody who’s suicidal why they should live. The person who wants to commit suicide lists all of the reasons why they are in pain (and those are usually pretty heavy reasons), and doesn’t convey anything that would resemble hope in their life. The person who’s listening to this doesn’t have anything to say, because they have nothing to “go” on.

My point is, when you have these reasons for wanting to kill yourself (and the reasons you gave are significant) and when you feel no hope, it really does feel like there’s no reason to live. And I’m sure not going to spout out any cliches, that doesn’t help whatsoever.

So here’s the truth, as I see it. The reason for you living won’t appear right now while you are in all of this pain and under these circumstances. The reason to live will present itself later, as you begin to work through your pain and your circumstances gradually change. That’s why it’s true when it’s said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That’s not a cliche, that’s true.

Since you are so set on doing this, I don’t see why you couldn’t pick up the phone and talk to somebody on a suicide prevention line and just tell them your troubles. Don’t expect that conversation to be the end all be all, consider it a step, and see what resources they can offer you. Right now you are more or less keeping a secret, and that is going to make you feel more isolated.

Please feel free to PM me anytime and I’ll be happy to answer you in the morning and the evening. Or continue to dialogue with me over here. Please just keep talking and start thinking about steps you could take to continue with your life.

AspieSingleDad, I get what you are saying (I think!) . This week I have been trying to talk to people about tqhings it but it's really not easy.

Samaritans is the main suicide prevention line in the UK and I have been talking to them about my troubles through text message (I really struggle with the phone so calling them won't happen) over the past week or so, and have been very open with them about everything, but so far this hasn't helped to change my mind.

With your latest message in mind, I made up my mind to talk to my criminal justice social worker about my troubles and my suicide plans at our meeting this morning. She already knows a lot of it, she is basically coordinating my services at the moment and I trust her beyond the other people currently involved in my care. Unfortunately when I got there I found out she was off sick! I got in a bit of a state (because it was a change of plans and I don't deal with change well, and I was already feeling awful anyway) so someone I didn't know came to talk to me. I told her about my suicidal thoughts and plans and she was concerned enough to suggest that I meet with someone there on Friday afternoon after my dad leaves. But then she spoke to someone else and they decided that as it would just be another someone who I didn't know, it probably wouldn't be that helpful, so they said my social worker will contact me when she's back. But the way I'm feeling now, it might be too late by then.

I'm glad you did that, it's a good first step! I share your frustration about your social worker not being in; actually I really wish she'd been there. When will your social worker be back in? Can you see her without a scheduled visit?

Please hold on, you're worth it! You really are!

Yep. You’re worth it.

I’m glad you are taking positive steps.

I wish I could meet you and talk to you—even about mundane stuff.

I realized the value of life during my wife’s son’s illness and passing away. He went so young!

I looked at the lines in the road, and street signs. That got me to want to live.

I still feel like going through with my plan is the right thing to do - so much that I'm now anxious that it might not work even though lethality was confirmed. And that thought scares me.

I saw my autism support worker earlier and she asked if I would be OK once my dad left. I just said I don't know. She said "Well, I'll see you on Sunday anyway". I didn't make any reply. I couldn't tell her that I'm not planning to be alive on Sunday.

The problem is "feel like going through with my plan is the right thing to do" isn't the same as "going through with my plan is definitely the right way to go." This is a final decision. Why don't you see your support worker on Sunday and tell her your plans and ask for help? I also hope you see through your legal issue because when it turns out to not be a serious "sentence", it will lift a huge weight off your shoulders.

I'm sorry that I keep giving you suggestions on what to do for your future, but I'm hoping you'll take those small steps that lead you to move in the right direction towards getting your life back. You're still young (and don't say otherwise, I'm 41 so you need to be young too)!

I would disagree with what you have written here, and think the problem is in the interpretation of "still think" which I meant as nothing has changed my mind from this course of action rather than as I'm still thinking about whether it is a good idea or not.

Nevertheless, I acknowledge that I wouldn't still be posting here and texting with Samaritans if I wasn't looking for some form of help even if that is to make peace with the few things that are still troubling me about it so I can go peacefully rather than help to make me change my mind. But who knows, maybe something someone says will have that effect anyway, even though right now it's not what I'm looking for - it's happened before.



This made me smile. I don't know whether 44, or 41, is young (I guess it depends from what age you are looking at it!), but I feel no different to how I did when I was 12 - self harm and suicidal thoughts included, sadly. And I look young - I was recently in hospital for a few days following an episode of self harm and people there, patients and nurses, thought I was in my early 20s which made me laugh!

Ok, so maybe I did read into that statement more then I should. I hope you didn’t interpret that as me not taking you seriously. The problem is that I do take you seriously. That’s why I’m so concerned.

I don’t think I can come up with a set of words that’s going to make you change your mind. I don’t think it works that way, or maybe I just don’t have the ability to come up with those words.

I hope your meeting will allow you to get the help you need. Sometimes circumstances can get to where we need help in order to get back to manageable life circumstances.

When I look at the title, I do see something that stands out. You’re blaming yourself for your circumstances, and while you can share in recovering from those circumstances, I don’t think what’s happened is your fault. We’re all on this website because we were born differently, and that’s made life significantly harder for us. You’re not a f**k up, you’ve just been through some though times. We all have.

AspieSingleDad. You’re very wise.

How are you today, YellowBanana? Are you feeling any better?

Jenny

No, not feeling any better. I did try to get help yesterday by going to the psych hospital and speaking to someone but it didn't help.