Yes the temples are lovely and my favourite one is Ryoanji-ji which is the Temple of the Dragon at Peace. It has a zen gravel garden which I believe has magical restorative powers. It stills my mind like nowhere else on earth. I credit it with giving me my first decent nights sleep in weeks. I stopped being able to sleep properly on 25 Feb. Every night since then I’ve just dozed fitfully and managed at best 2 hours of broken sleep and some nights I wouldn’t get any at all but last night I slept for 7 hours which is just blissful.
The sleep deprivation has to be the worst symptom of my depression. It really messes with my head. When I was young it was different. I could sleep for 18 hours straight and I liked the hypersomnia because I could sleep through a lot of the days until I recovered, but now the insomnia is a torture and I can see why sleep deprivation is used for that purpose. There is no escaping the madness and it breaks the will of a person. After a week or so I become obsessed with the thought of dying. I spend hours researching ways to die. I do have an fairly encyclopaedic knowledge of suicide methods. Ah autism, at least it’s good for something.
I know one day my illness will be terminal but I will honour my promise to my husband for a long as I can. It’s not an easy promise to keep, especially as I think his insistence on me living is pretty irrational. He would honestly be better off without me and I would be beyond pain but he doesn’t see it that way and he’s as stubborn as I am mad.
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I have a piece of paper that says ASD Level 2 so it must be true.
15 Mar 2018, 9:19 pm
