"You need to listen to the struggles of others!"

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I understand you’re going through a bad time but from your posts, you only seem to ever focus on yourself. It’s really not healthy to be so self centred.

If I was you I’d take up a volunteer job every now and then. At least, if anything, you’ve done something worthwhile. Maybe even start on here, talk to other people struggling and help each other?

Even when feeling down, a good deed is always a good move.

Are you talking about that poibare guy?

Well, I am alone most of the time. I go through the day being the odd man out since I don't go crazy for football, cars, guns, hardcore drinking/smoking, country/rap music, South Park, and GTA or Call of Duty.

I was talking moreso about someone called jrjones but Piobaire was definitely a jerk to me. What makes his posts all the more infuriating is that he says he is a Buddhist and his signature upholds peace as well as befriending others but he supports ANTIFA and he attacks anyone who doesn't see eye to eye with him. He also boasted about getting his dick on and how much he can make a "b***h" moan. Jones did the same despite claiming to be a feminist.

You seem to be focusing on the actions of others moreso than your own. You also seem to be focusing more on what you don’t do than what you do.

Focusing on the hypocrisy of others is counter-productive. All it does is contrast what they are able to get away with to what you don’t dare even try. Judging their actions against yours will lead to frustration, especially when you compare yourself to those who seem to be successful despite their hypocrisy.

I suggest that you start focusing on yourself. Seek your own independence in action and in thought. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop complaining about not having what you want (i.e., a girlfriend or friends in general). Start developing skills that are marketable, or that are at least in demand in social circles. Learn to make conversation that is not centered on you, your troubles, and your feelings.

I used to hate small talk, until I accepted that small talk is part of being sociable, and that its meandering topics are actually good for a person seeking social contacts. Another important part IS listening to the struggles of others. You are not the only person in the world who needs to ‘vent’. In fact, being a good listener is one of the preferred traits that women seek in men.

So, focusing on your problems without listening to the problems of others will actually drive other people — especially women — away, and inspire them to never make contact with you again.

Last edited by Fnord on 03 Jun 2018, 4:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.

^ Fnord is completely right.

^ XFilesGeek knowests whereof she speaks.

The thing is he doesn't want me to have a girlfriend. Are you saying you don't want me to have one as well?

No, he did not say he does not want you to have a girlfriend. He said to stop complaining about it.

Fnord and xfilesgeek have it right. Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself when I am down is help others.

He never said that. Why are you misquoting him?

I told you before: Everyone wants you to achieve your relationship goal. That's why we give you good advice about how to go about doing it. It's You and ONLY You who refuses to follow any helpful advice that might give you a fighting chance of getting yourself a date and potential girlfriend. No one here is preventing you from doing any of these things, no one here has ever even said that they don't want you to have a girlfriend. Your statement above is a flat out lie, and I know that you're autistic and thus socially impaired, but even you should know that flat out lying about what someone has said or hasn't said is completely unacceptable in any social situation - including here on this forum. It's rude af, and likely insulting & offensive to Fnord, or anyone you misquote with your lies about things they've never written to you.

^This is a lie.^

...is to convince you that even the most well meaning advisers are "detractors". Your "extreme thinking" is always leading you down the same path - to probe for the possibility that every piece of advice is a concealed attack, however unlikely it is that this is really the case. You may well have genuinely been victimised by some people in your life, but when you reach for this as the first explanation for almost every interaction, you are blinding yourself to any other possibilities. There is no interaction which can't be twisted to be viewed negatively if one has had enough practice at it, and it seems that this has become an ingrained habit for you. It is a vicious circle that I have spent many years trapped inside myself.


Yes, exactly. When the first thought that comes to mind is; "how am I being attacked here?" or "this advice will never work for me", I take it as a warning that my thinking may be distorted by negative emotions, that I need to think more rationally about what is being proposed, and that I shouldn't react too hastily lest I alienate a potential ally.

Can listening to the struggles of others help with this? Yes, I believe it can. It helps me to see that not everyone views the kind of problems I have in the same way, and that they don't all approach solving them in the same way - there are other ways to think of them besides the ones I use out of habit. Trying to help others, besides hopefully helping them, making me a more approachable person, and improving my self-esteem, also helps me to see better ways that I could help myself. Being one step removed from a problem because it is not my problem can make my reasoning much clearer, and I often think of advice that I've given and notice that my own life would be improved if only I would take my own advice to heart.

^This

An ingrained habit is exactly what it sounds like ( I'm trapped in that same vicious circle ) , decades of practicing bad habits are difficult to break , it's almost like thinking in a positive way is my crazy - it feels alien , I feel like I'm fooling myself then the negative feedback loop starts again. I'm not sure if it's my autism , anxiety or depression ?

Although the causes of this self-destructive behavior are many and interesting, the real point is to fix the inner language and try some new language. There are some pretty simple CBA techniques for this which can be self-administered. Something on the order of: Notice the thought (I can't do this, they are trying to put me down), label it (destructive thought), replace it (positive thought.) ANY positive thought will do.

CBA techniques ? Can't be arsed technique

Sounds like mindfulness or maybe CBT , I think you have to have a particular mindset for CBT / Mindfulness to be useful or have a bloody good therapist ( thin on the ground in the UK ) . Like Marknis I think I am my own worse enemy , I over analyze things that don't need to be analyzed and look for threats where there are none.

Mark has to explore where he got the idea that all these people don't want him to have a girlfriend.

I was told constantly growing up by various people "You don't need a girlfriend!", "You're never getting laid!", "You'd be a terrible father!", "You need to wait until college!", and other damning statements.

The same people, especially the men, also dated even when they said things like "Women are trouble!" to me. The message I got was that it's ok for them to date while it's not ok for me.

This means only that the person speaking believes that you do not need a girlfriend (Which is completely aside from the fact that nobody "needs" a girlfriend), and nothing more.This means only that the person speaking believes that you are never going to have sex, and nothing more.This means only that the person speaking believes that you would be a terrible father, and nothing more.This means only that the person speaking believes that you need to wait until college, and nothing more.Unless the person making these "damning statements" expressly states that he or she does not want you to have a girlfriend, you have absolutely no reason to believe their "damning statements" mean anything other than what they said.This means only that the person speaking believes that women are trouble, and nothing more. Any "message mixing" is going on in your own mind, and obviously not theirs.

Keep in mind that the single most common factor in all of your failed attempts to get a girlfriend is YOU. Not your relatives, not your therapists, not the moderators, not me, and not any other member of this website.

YOU.

I very strongly suggest that you stop blaming others and look toward improving yourself; stop lying about what other people say and do, and be more concerned about your own words and actions; and stop making excuses as to why the advice you've been given can not / could not / would not work for you -- it's good advice, given by people who were once in similar situations as yours, from which they extricated themselves, and the lessons of which they are more than willing to share with you.

Take it or leave it -- the choice is YOURS and YOURS alone; thus the credit for success and the blame for failure will also be YOURS and YOURS alone.