Wishing I was a different Mark

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My appointment is still a week away.

Well hold on. Only a week to go. It might help you.

I still have to go through the days still single, lonely, unfulfilled, and not living the life I wish I had that it makes me feel like I should've died a long time ago. I have the mental equivalent of a heart attack but the treatment eludes me.

Go for a walk, Mark. It often clears the mind, and your mind has a tendency to perseverate on negatives. Also, exercise is good for your body and brain.

I actually was already taking a walk but thank you regardless, BeaArthur.

WOOOOO HAAAAAA! I got a smile out of Marknis!

I hope you have a good day today, Mark.

Do you have any pets?

I have a cat. Unfortunately, I just found out the new co-worker is married.

O I C. Well, you can still be friendly with her.

I'm a cat lady. I really love my two cats and relate well to them. And they give me such peace and soothing. Except when they are attacking my hand due to stroking their tummy too much, etc.

I will be but I am not allowed to socialize with her too much because I am not a member of the 'work circle'.

I feel like I am living out a prison sentence in regards to the social scene.

Isn't this woman new? How did she get into the "work circle?"

Why aren't you in the "work circle." Is that something which is self-imposed?

The "circle" is mainly my supervisor, her assistants, and a few others they favor over others. I don't really feel envious because it's mostly stupid drama but the double standards are sickening. It's not so much the new person is in the circle but that the circle chastises me.

You'd also think the library would attract more intellectual types but the majority of people who come in just want to check out movies or use the computers just to get on their Facebook page. There are also homeless people who mostly lie around and stink up the lounge area. Some even do drug deals or harass the staff for various reasons. One of them had an axe to grind and snarled "There's no reason why I can't get a library card!" at me before I could even say a word. Sometimes fights will break out among them and they get banned but will sneak back in because the security guard isn't always around.

I noticed that the last time I was at our public library. Most of the building was empty, but all of the computers were occupied.

Usually it's that way on the weekends here.

I was talking to a patron (I tried to befriend her once before but she politely turned me down due to her and her twin feeling uneasy about people outside themselves) and another patron walked past us. She looked disgusted to see him and she told me he had tried to seduce both her and her twin.

I still feel like I did back when the depression was hitting me at its hardest. I wake up with all my depressed thoughts coming back to me, I go into work, the place feels like a jail, I see people who things I want come and go, my head starts to feel hot as well as sick from having constant depressed thoughts about how nothing's going my way, I wonder why am I still alive, I watch the clock to see how much longer I have to endure until I can leave, and I am completely burned out by the time I can leave.

I'm sorry it is still hard for you. Do you ever take any vacation time? It might be unpaid vacation, but it sounds like you could use a break. Of course, if you already miss work often, it might be hard to get vacation time approved.