29 Sep 2018, 5:19 am
29 Sep 2018, 8:20 am
Bether3 wrote:
Magna wrote:
Bether3 wrote:
Magna wrote:
Welcome.
You've come to the right place. Yes, I and many others here feel exactly how you do.
I believed as a child that I actually was from a different planet, it's the only explanation that made sense to me as to why I was so different from others and what others thought. I believed my parents were just surrogates.
"In this world but not of this world." That's actually a tenet of Catholicism.
Van Morrison describes that same notion beautifully in the song Astral Weeks as well.
You've come to the right place. Yes, I and many others here feel exactly how you do.
I believed as a child that I actually was from a different planet, it's the only explanation that made sense to me as to why I was so different from others and what others thought. I believed my parents were just surrogates.
"In this world but not of this world." That's actually a tenet of Catholicism.
Van Morrison describes that same notion beautifully in the song Astral Weeks as well.
Thank you.
What age were you when you came to believe that, and why? What was it about you that made you come to the understanding that you were different from others?
I don't think that I believed that I was from a different planet as a child, (maybe, as I always appeared to be on another one lol), but I did think that the "paperwork" must have gotten mixed up for me to incarnate on this planet because I have never fit in, nor understood what I am supposed to be doing here (like when you wake from a heavy sleep and look around the room, not understanding your surroundings momentarily- that's how I feel). I was born over three months premature, weighing just over a pound, and at one point, my parents were told that I wasn't going to make it. And so, I thought that it was a mistake that I survived.
Jesus said something to the effect of being in this world, but not of it. That he is from above, and humans from below.
I checked out the lyrics and they are beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I've always liked Van Morrison.
I don't recall the exact age but it was around 9. Third grade? I also don't recall the specific reason/s why. I was picked on a lot as a kid, was extremely clumsy, "pigeon toed" as the kids used to say when they'd laugh and imitate my gait or try to trip me. I was always considered "weird" as a kid in grade school. I just thought that I must not have been of this world since I was so alien compared to the other kids around me. I had a name for the planet I was from and a whole story about how I was created by the supreme leader of that planet, formed from his vomit, which on that planet was not seen as gross. He gave me a name in the language from that planet and I insisted that my classmates call me by that name rather than my given name. My classmates complied and for the last 2-3 years of my schooling there I was known by my alien name. I preferred it.
I believed that my "earth parents" loved me like any kid would expect that any parent would. However, I looked at it like they were obligated to. But part of it was that I just believed from a very early age that I was on my own and had to ultimately look out for myself if for some reason my parents didn't.
That early conviction came from my parents dropping me off with some neighbors that I barely knew when I was about 2 years old for about two weeks while they went on a cruise. I of course had no concept of what a cruise was or that they would be back to get me. I remember sitting on the floor of the neighbor's living room with her looking down at me and not saying anything. I thought that she and her husband were my new Mom and Dad? It could be part of why I had little to no desire to share my feelings, frustrations, fears, etc with my "earth parents". My world was very much an interior world inside my head. There was a lot of chaos around me and in my household growing up that was hard for me to process.
I'm glad you like Astral Weeks. There are some of us here who regard music as our lifeblood and couldn't imagine life without it.
I'm sorry that you were picked on a lot as a kid- I was, too, specifically from Kindergarten up until third or fourth grade. I still get picked on, but apparently it is well meant. Your story about your home planet is fascinating. What was your name? Interesting that you say that you were formed by the leaders vomit, as the bible states that humans were breathed into being.
I don't recall how I viewed my parents. My world was and still is very much within me.
Music was my lifeblood especially during my high school years- I don't how I would have survived without it. I still love it, listen to it throughout the day, but now spirituality and podcasts help me get through.
Maybe someday I'll talk more about my "home planet", name, language, etc. but I'm not ready to now. Sorry if it seems unnecessarily evasive. For the record, I don't still actually believe it.
, it was definitely a childhood coping mechanism.The hyper-focus "zone". It was so intense for me as a kid. Less so now, but it still happens. As a kid though, sounds and voices getting shut out to the point where I'd completely be detached. My Mom could say my name ten times with escalating volume before I'd even know she was talking to me while I was sitting in a chair thinking about something.
29 Sep 2018, 10:44 am
30 Sep 2018, 1:01 am
30 Sep 2018, 1:09 am
Magna wrote:
Bether3 wrote:
Magna wrote:
Bether3 wrote:
Magna wrote:
Welcome.
You've come to the right place. Yes, I and many others here feel exactly how you do.
I believed as a child that I actually was from a different planet, it's the only explanation that made sense to me as to why I was so different from others and what others thought. I believed my parents were just surrogates.
"In this world but not of this world." That's actually a tenet of Catholicism.
Van Morrison describes that same notion beautifully in the song Astral Weeks as well.
You've come to the right place. Yes, I and many others here feel exactly how you do.
I believed as a child that I actually was from a different planet, it's the only explanation that made sense to me as to why I was so different from others and what others thought. I believed my parents were just surrogates.
"In this world but not of this world." That's actually a tenet of Catholicism.
Van Morrison describes that same notion beautifully in the song Astral Weeks as well.
Thank you.
What age were you when you came to believe that, and why? What was it about you that made you come to the understanding that you were different from others?
I don't think that I believed that I was from a different planet as a child, (maybe, as I always appeared to be on another one lol), but I did think that the "paperwork" must have gotten mixed up for me to incarnate on this planet because I have never fit in, nor understood what I am supposed to be doing here (like when you wake from a heavy sleep and look around the room, not understanding your surroundings momentarily- that's how I feel). I was born over three months premature, weighing just over a pound, and at one point, my parents were told that I wasn't going to make it. And so, I thought that it was a mistake that I survived.
Jesus said something to the effect of being in this world, but not of it. That he is from above, and humans from below.
I checked out the lyrics and they are beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I've always liked Van Morrison.
I don't recall the exact age but it was around 9. Third grade? I also don't recall the specific reason/s why. I was picked on a lot as a kid, was extremely clumsy, "pigeon toed" as the kids used to say when they'd laugh and imitate my gait or try to trip me. I was always considered "weird" as a kid in grade school. I just thought that I must not have been of this world since I was so alien compared to the other kids around me. I had a name for the planet I was from and a whole story about how I was created by the supreme leader of that planet, formed from his vomit, which on that planet was not seen as gross. He gave me a name in the language from that planet and I insisted that my classmates call me by that name rather than my given name. My classmates complied and for the last 2-3 years of my schooling there I was known by my alien name. I preferred it.
I believed that my "earth parents" loved me like any kid would expect that any parent would. However, I looked at it like they were obligated to. But part of it was that I just believed from a very early age that I was on my own and had to ultimately look out for myself if for some reason my parents didn't.
That early conviction came from my parents dropping me off with some neighbors that I barely knew when I was about 2 years old for about two weeks while they went on a cruise. I of course had no concept of what a cruise was or that they would be back to get me. I remember sitting on the floor of the neighbor's living room with her looking down at me and not saying anything. I thought that she and her husband were my new Mom and Dad? It could be part of why I had little to no desire to share my feelings, frustrations, fears, etc with my "earth parents". My world was very much an interior world inside my head. There was a lot of chaos around me and in my household growing up that was hard for me to process.
I'm glad you like Astral Weeks. There are some of us here who regard music as our lifeblood and couldn't imagine life without it.
I'm sorry that you were picked on a lot as a kid- I was, too, specifically from Kindergarten up until third or fourth grade. I still get picked on, but apparently it is well meant. Your story about your home planet is fascinating. What was your name? Interesting that you say that you were formed by the leaders vomit, as the bible states that humans were breathed into being.
I don't recall how I viewed my parents. My world was and still is very much within me.
Music was my lifeblood especially during my high school years- I don't how I would have survived without it. I still love it, listen to it throughout the day, but now spirituality and podcasts help me get through.
Maybe someday I'll talk more about my "home planet", name, language, etc. but I'm not ready to now. Sorry if it seems unnecessarily evasive. For the record, I don't still actually believe it.
, it was definitely a childhood coping mechanism.The hyper-focus "zone". It was so intense for me as a kid. Less so now, but it still happens.
As a kid though, sounds and voices getting shut out to the point where I'd completely be detached. My Mom could say my name ten times with escalating volume before I'd even know she was talking to me while I was sitting in a chair thinking about something.
No worries. I understand.
And same and same. I miss how fully in the moment I was; I was more so than most children. I haven't hyper focused to the point of shutting off sounds and voices since I was a kid, though, which is good.
30 Sep 2018, 1:27 am
30 Sep 2018, 2:25 am
30 Sep 2018, 4:54 am
01 Oct 2018, 12:38 am
thoughtbeast wrote:
Inner Light.
Both the George Harrison Beatles song
and the Star Trek: Next Generation episode.
Both the George Harrison Beatles song
and the Star Trek: Next Generation episode.
Thank you for sharing!
01 Oct 2018, 12:58 am
serpentari wrote:
about visions, well. it is very hard to verbalize. i never had. a different layer of reality, glimpsing through cracks in primary one? a totally different reality? all senses, duped, and thats where the real ones kick in? i dont know. i cant explain. it is not all the same every time. the world is so much more, than 5 basic senses tell u. u can see, if u focus. or, well, percept. i do not know, how much of me goes back to AS, how much is my compensatory mechanisms, and how much are other issues i have. not normal, not "normal AS". something else. things linking, twining, detaching. ideas dancing kan-kan. some certain people would suspect me of drug use, which i never had done. i am crazy enough as sober. this state of edge of a revelation, it never had gone into state of revelation. wait. later. missing something. try harder. or maybe it had, and i did not realize. returning to 5-x sensorum after this is a pain of its own. blindfold back in place. stay there. cannot go. some people i know, they think i know something. some of them are frustrated i do not tell. are those moments a communication directly to Dao, or Noosphere, or something? i dont know. even if i do. i am sorry if i am incoherent, or too crazy even for this place.
as to parent issues, it is NOT like my mother did not help. she did. she taught me best she could, to act NT. and she had tried to get me a diagnosis, but deficient health care system in this country 25 years ago just failed us. it is not about any sort of bad parenting, it is about the fact, that everybody has issues, limits and personal peevz. an NT parent of autistic descendant is...
no, i will not write about it, rather letting people from that group explain, if they would.
also i cannot project on anybody else's parents, but well, miscommunication between us and NT, including closest family, happens on both sides. and issue of "i have failed my child", even if they actually had not, persists.
so yes, an NT person, same as ND person, can act out of best intent, and make a mistake. i have learned to count intents over results for this. it is not easy, it demands a lot of work. like well, the abformentioned somewhere flight by tools. and i assembled a box of tools over years.
in the breakdown, my mother would think, that she is protecting me, by hiding my identity. in this social enviroment, she is not even wrong. its not her fault, its the way this society works.
teach them to act normal, and they will be fine.
a person cannot get out of cultural limitations, most of the time. when everything she could have raised from RUnet, would be "how to train ur kid aspie to be normal", thats what she'd do.
and then, thats what i'd do to myself, knowing nothing else. i spent years in international cyberspace, never thinking to come here. simply did not cross my mind.
u live in NT world, so do live in NT world. limitations.
the strongest borders we all have, are those we do not see.
as to parent issues, it is NOT like my mother did not help. she did. she taught me best she could, to act NT. and she had tried to get me a diagnosis, but deficient health care system in this country 25 years ago just failed us. it is not about any sort of bad parenting, it is about the fact, that everybody has issues, limits and personal peevz. an NT parent of autistic descendant is...
no, i will not write about it, rather letting people from that group explain, if they would.
also i cannot project on anybody else's parents, but well, miscommunication between us and NT, including closest family, happens on both sides. and issue of "i have failed my child", even if they actually had not, persists.
so yes, an NT person, same as ND person, can act out of best intent, and make a mistake. i have learned to count intents over results for this. it is not easy, it demands a lot of work. like well, the abformentioned somewhere flight by tools. and i assembled a box of tools over years.
in the breakdown, my mother would think, that she is protecting me, by hiding my identity. in this social enviroment, she is not even wrong. its not her fault, its the way this society works.
teach them to act normal, and they will be fine.
a person cannot get out of cultural limitations, most of the time. when everything she could have raised from RUnet, would be "how to train ur kid aspie to be normal", thats what she'd do.
and then, thats what i'd do to myself, knowing nothing else. i spent years in international cyberspace, never thinking to come here. simply did not cross my mind.
u live in NT world, so do live in NT world. limitations.
the strongest borders we all have, are those we do not see.
As far as your visions, I can relate. Sometimes I smoke a small amount of pot before I meditate, and I'll have visions and receive messages. It's hard to put into words because I'm in a state that is beyond the conceptual, limited state of the thinking mind. One of the messages that has been emphasized in such a state is "Forget what you think. Remember what you feel ("know", from an intuitive standpoint).
"i do not know, how much of me goes back to AS, how much is my compensatory mechanisms, and how much are other issues i have."< Me too! Actually, that's what I've been reflecting on, trying to separate, as of late. There's the essence, behind all of form identity, then there's AS, compensatory mechanisms, etc. It's all blurred together.
Please don't apologize for thinking that you appear "incoherent" or "too crazy". You're neither. You operate on a different frequency from most, and I think that that is wonderful.
On that note of apology, I apologize if I made it appear that I was judging your mother by suggesting that she was like my father and did not try to help. You are correct in your perspectives. Well put, by the way.
"the strongest borders we all have, are those we do not see."< Wow. Yes.
The way in which you articulate your thoughts is profound and enigmatically beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
01 Oct 2018, 1:42 am
02 Oct 2018, 12:56 am
serpentari wrote:
thank you for asking, and for response)
no need to apologize, either. each person is seing everything through the prizm of their experience, us and NT alike. lets just say, i went a long way to learn what i write here) and yes, coming from society, where being anything short of normal is unacceptable, i do have a problem unfolding myself from my shell. it helps a lot, getting responces like this.
also, i have problems with coherence, because i think in multiple streams. an adaptive mechanism i had developed, then it developed me. sometimes it also wrecks me over. normally, feeling 5 different sets of emotions, thinking about 5 different things would help and balance me out. like, 1 instance of me would be pissed off at something, and 4 would be busy finding reasons why this is not valid. but if they converge on something, i am nothing short of HELLBENT. then again, behing hellbent, as i now am aware, is part of autistic nature. but i can get it in multiple. still, i love to know, its not just me. wont mention what happens if all or most of my streams decide to turn on me.
as to smoking, well. i dont and dont do. i know many people do. i really dont want to know what happens to me, when 3 to 7 streams of my mind all get high xDDD the state of expanded sensorum comes on its own. i know there has to be a lot of prerequirements for it, and its not often. i can dive into lesser likewises, which i usually do, when i need to operate large arrays of data. making my streams work more closely togather. exhausting and requiring full control over stimuli i receive. something comes unexpected, and i snap out. painful and likely to lead to a meltdown on the spot.
the analogy i like to use when describing how that mess in my head works, is, its like a braid. braid has integrity, but also consists of intertwining locks (streams), which consist of hair (thoughts and emotions). but its still 1 braid. my personality is not split, though my sense of identity shifts. but i can see, that many other aspergerians have that problem, too. guess it comes with the territory.
and then, another analogy for us all, well. a computer. when u overclock it, u gotta install more coolers. and it never be totally safe. and we are born with our brains overclocked. so we are getting them meltdowns and stuff.
in circles i am in, before i knew community terms (which is days-old thing), there would have appeared a term "vihsplosion" (since i usually go by the name Vihja, which has nothing to do with some vancouver organization, i used it years before they even formed). i didnt even come up with it, my peers did. then it would be expanded in other variants for other people, who can also lose it. "its just an Xsplosion, relax". some people would hate me for being highly unstable. some people would like me enough to put up with it. some would even find it cute. comes with the territory, that one. aliens we are. arent we?)
no need to apologize, either. each person is seing everything through the prizm of their experience, us and NT alike. lets just say, i went a long way to learn what i write here) and yes, coming from society, where being anything short of normal is unacceptable, i do have a problem unfolding myself from my shell. it helps a lot, getting responces like this.
also, i have problems with coherence, because i think in multiple streams. an adaptive mechanism i had developed, then it developed me. sometimes it also wrecks me over. normally, feeling 5 different sets of emotions, thinking about 5 different things would help and balance me out. like, 1 instance of me would be pissed off at something, and 4 would be busy finding reasons why this is not valid. but if they converge on something, i am nothing short of HELLBENT. then again, behing hellbent, as i now am aware, is part of autistic nature. but i can get it in multiple. still, i love to know, its not just me. wont mention what happens if all or most of my streams decide to turn on me.
as to smoking, well. i dont and dont do. i know many people do. i really dont want to know what happens to me, when 3 to 7 streams of my mind all get high xDDD the state of expanded sensorum comes on its own. i know there has to be a lot of prerequirements for it, and its not often. i can dive into lesser likewises, which i usually do, when i need to operate large arrays of data. making my streams work more closely togather. exhausting and requiring full control over stimuli i receive. something comes unexpected, and i snap out. painful and likely to lead to a meltdown on the spot.
the analogy i like to use when describing how that mess in my head works, is, its like a braid. braid has integrity, but also consists of intertwining locks (streams), which consist of hair (thoughts and emotions). but its still 1 braid. my personality is not split, though my sense of identity shifts. but i can see, that many other aspergerians have that problem, too. guess it comes with the territory.
and then, another analogy for us all, well. a computer. when u overclock it, u gotta install more coolers. and it never be totally safe. and we are born with our brains overclocked. so we are getting them meltdowns and stuff.
in circles i am in, before i knew community terms (which is days-old thing), there would have appeared a term "vihsplosion" (since i usually go by the name Vihja, which has nothing to do with some vancouver organization, i used it years before they even formed). i didnt even come up with it, my peers did. then it would be expanded in other variants for other people, who can also lose it. "its just an Xsplosion, relax". some people would hate me for being highly unstable. some people would like me enough to put up with it. some would even find it cute. comes with the territory, that one. aliens we are. arent we?)
“each person is seing everything through the prizm of their experience, us and NT alike.”< Indeed.
“it helps a lot, getting responces like this.”<
I’m glad. “also, i have problems with coherence, because i think in multiple streams.”< I call it “having multiple tabs open”.
“normally, feeling 5 different sets of emotions, thinking about 5 different things would help and balance me out. like, 1 instance of me would be pissed off at something, and 4 would be busy finding reasons why this is not valid. but if they converge on something, i am nothing short of HELLBENT. then again, behing hellbent, as i now am aware, is part of autistic nature. but i can get it in multiple. still, i love to know, its not just me. wont mention what happens if all or most of my streams decide to turn on me.”< I think that I understand. I am a very feeling, intuitive person, yet also very analytical and logical. I feel split. I can get overly emotional or overly analytical depending on the circumstances.
“as to smoking, well. i dont and dont do. i know many people do. i really dont want to know what happens to me, when 3 to 7 streams of my mind all get high xDDD”< It can be scary. I had a couple horrendous disassociate episodes, and both times were just from one miniscule inhale from a pipe. Once was years ago, while relaxed at my apartment, in the company of my boyfriend at the time. I noticed my thoughts began spinning out of control, then I was observing my body and I actually starting shaking, crying involuntarily and had to lie down and be consoled. The other time was last spring at a friend’s house in the company of two close, trusted male friends. We were having a great time, then I just got paranoid and didn’t feel right at all. They spoke to me calmly and made light-hearted conversation, trying to turn my attention away from myself, but that didn’t work, so one of them asked if I wanted to lie down and guided me upstairs and into my best guy friend’s bed, whom wasn’t there at the moment. I became disassociated, and when said best friend got home he visited with me for a few minutes before him and our friends went out for the night. I was so far gone, I couldn’t even speak. He helped me tune in by turning on his Himalayan salt lamp and sounds of waves crashing, and I eventually ended up falling asleep. I picked up smoking this spring, though I smoke very little and only occasionally. I learned to harness the surge of energy I get from it, hone in my thoughts, and relax into being so I am able to enjoy it, even when I am out of doors, but mostly when I’m home alone and during meditation.
“the state of expanded sensorum comes on its own. i know there has to be a lot of prerequirements for it, and its not often. i can dive into lesser likewises, which i usually do, when i need to operate large arrays of data. making my streams work more closely togather. exhausting and requiring full control over stimuli i receive. something comes unexpected, and i snap out. painful and likely to lead to a meltdown on the spot.”< While in a meditative state, I would say ninety percent of the time, I get a ton of information that comes through me in the form of words, symbols and informative illustrations, so after what seems to be a half an hour or so of that, I’m absolutely exhausted.
I love analogies and the ones you use explain what I experience, as well.
For me, it’s like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FSKTndbwVo
“in circles i am in, before i knew community terms (which is days-old thing), there would have appeared a term "vihsplosion" (since i usually go by the name Vihja, which has nothing to do with some vancouver organization, i used it years before they even formed). i didnt even come up with it, my peers did. then it would be expanded in other variants for other people, who can also lose it. "its just an Xsplosion, relax". some people would hate me for being highly unstable. some people would like me enough to put up with it. some would even find it cute. comes with the territory, that one. aliens we are. arent we?)”< Yes.
02 Oct 2018, 1:37 am
02 Oct 2018, 1:52 pm
serpentari wrote:
oh my. this video is not a precise representation, but its quite close. thats quite like what i do. though, to me its like being totally cocooned in informational matter. something quazi-physical. quazi-palpable. autistic senses, leaking in each other. taste sound. hear tactile. maybe they just toned it down to make it easier for NT xd maybe its only the difference in aspergerians operational. my nodes are well, like fluffy liquid. operational data, streaming and twirling around me untill i grab something. take it, form it. see a form. and ya the way he ushers everybody out, ya. other mind nearby, interference. even if they dont tryhard to get u out. they'd disrupt the cocoon by their own thought process. making data invisible, or scattered. i am scared to try and see others with my eyes closed. i am afraid my operational wont hold it.
to find an answer, one needs a query. and if the query is sent with omittance, the answer will be wrong. there is a reason many of our emblems use puzzle pieces. it is like puzzle pieces. taking data, that links togather. make a picture. only that this puzzle is a good one, and many pieces interlock but dont belong.
basically i go in that state when there 1) is enough information to cocoon myself in; 2) nobody to interfere. my kid has to at least be asleep.; 3)for me to be in a capable form. as in, correct part of meltdown and depressive-unpressive cycles. i guess getting more relevant stimtoys would help.
it happens more with age. experience? accumulated data? addiction? i like it there.
and ya as to stimumulators, i get energetics. thats what i do. helps with my extreme low blood pressure xd bad idea too, but i cant help it, my brain wont turn on at 90\60.
to find an answer, one needs a query. and if the query is sent with omittance, the answer will be wrong. there is a reason many of our emblems use puzzle pieces. it is like puzzle pieces. taking data, that links togather. make a picture. only that this puzzle is a good one, and many pieces interlock but dont belong.
basically i go in that state when there 1) is enough information to cocoon myself in; 2) nobody to interfere. my kid has to at least be asleep.; 3)for me to be in a capable form. as in, correct part of meltdown and depressive-unpressive cycles. i guess getting more relevant stimtoys would help.
it happens more with age. experience? accumulated data? addiction? i like it there.
and ya as to stimumulators, i get energetics. thats what i do. helps with my extreme low blood pressure xd bad idea too, but i cant help it, my brain wont turn on at 90\60.
It's not an exact representation of what I experience, either, but it's the closest representation of it. And yes, to get into that state, when I am in that state, I have to be home, alone, in complete silence, knowing that no one and nothing is going to interrupt the process.
I don't have to have information, though as you stated, having a query, an intention can open up the stream of information. With an empty mind it gets filled. As for the form, I have to be completely enveloped in the moment and relaxed. Stim toys would help.
I like it there, too. When I am in that state, often I ask how to hold on to it, that's when I told things to the effect of to not think, but feel. I wish that I could call upon it and be in it more often, though it would be exhausting to be in it all the time.
You truly have a way with words. You are able to put into words that which is beyond words in a beautiful way. It's a gift.
02 Oct 2018, 2:11 pm
