Extreme Fear of Finding a Job

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Yes I can definietely agree. I've had one job so far. McDonalds actually before I was diagnosed, and even though it worked fine at least on the outside even though I panicked before and after each shift I can't socialize so I always felt left out because when there was nothing to do and the others grouped up and started socializing I stood in my own corner, anxious about looking weird or rude for not joining them and anxious to actually join them not sure if I should or shouldn't and knowing that even if I would I wouldn't say anything and might just make them feel uncomfortable.
I also struggle with confidence always thinking that I can't do things or i'm doing them wrong and someone will yell at me or laugh at me and I can sometimes struggle to take in instructions especially when i'm stressed and zone out all the time. For me at that job it only took one shift of being told I was working too slowly for me to never go back there again.

Right now i'm studying but i'm also looking for a job on the side because money are extremely tight. I got my diagnose so recently that I haven't started getting any compensation either or proper support. I definietely WANT to work though even if i'm sure I will never be able to work fulltime but I won't need to either because of the compensation I will get.
I've figured out what I want to do and i'm studying towards it. I'm thinking once I have the right education I will feel more confident about work.

Perfectionist?

My parents have taught me all my childhood long, in many direct or subtle ways, that if my results are not perfect, it is shame on me and I am useless. Even when my results were perfect, they were telling me that still I could have done better, or the teachers would be too generous, or people would be complimenting too much.

Now as an adult, when I succeed,even if everybody tells me my work is great great great, I feel I am a failure all the time. I suspect that this could be your case too.

You graduated = success
Counsellor at a summer camp = success
(You, continue the list)

Perfection is an illusion, a myth. Life is about learning, for everybody.

I’m sorry that you had such a tough upbringing. My own parents have been hard on me many times too, but they are always happy to congratulate me when I get good results. The problem is that the effects of my successes on them is short-lived, and they seek a new goal for me to achieve as soon as I accomplish something. And if I show any resistance (which is often caused by fear, anxiety and embarrassment) they shout at me and say I should be ashamed of myself.

Sometimes I sound like a perfectionist, but I don’t really identify as one. Perfectionists are usually those who are best in everything and get upset when they do something that’s slightly less than perfect. I’m not like that. I consider myself to be below average at everything I do, and my goal is to become average. When I fail in that I get frustrated with myself, like a perfectionist, but I’m not upset for being imperfect. I’m upset for being a living representation of imperfection.

Today I’ve finally sent my new cv to a translation company. I don’t think I will be hired, but at least my parents will be quiet for one day now. Knowing them, I’ll probably have another shouting sermon before this week is over.

The company actually emailed me and offered me the opportunity to do an online test to show my abilities and get fired, but I had many technical problems and in the end I could not submit my work before the deadline. I will not be hired, then.

I’ve told my parents about it and they are furious. They shouted at me, said I didn’t even try, complained about “me being lazy and wanting them to be economically responsible for me all my life”. Every day the pressure to get a job gets bigger, while my motivation is reduced. I don’t feel welcome at home anymore, because all the conversations I have with my family nowadays are about my unemployment. They don’t want me at home anymore, but I don’t know where else to go, except maybe to my grandmother’s house. I wish I could get help and support from my family instead of judgment and criticism.