I hate Asperger's and I want to kill myself

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i never wanted friends really. i got some and they were fun, but i really wanted always to be alone.
you can do what ever you want when you are alone.
when you have friends, you are rarely alone.

but one major requirement to being happy without friends is to own your own house with nothing owing.

some people do not feel complete unless they are melded with others.
i feel complete all by my self. i guess i am lucky.

i think your meds may need adjusting possibly.

Exactly, that's why I might as well be Rain Man. I mean, if they are Aspies, what do they have that I don't? I'm just like them; chatty, friendly, sociable, sense of humour, tactful, etc. It's just me innit, very unlucky. I have to have Asperger's 'severe' enough to affect me more than them, even though I'm on the mild and high-functioning end of the spectrum.

It's just been happening to me all my life. As a teenager I finally found a crowd of other social misfits at school, but even they started being bitchy towards me; playing mind games and leaving me out of the group and only including me when THEY felt like it. It wasn't like I was a geek in school, I was far from it. I just wanted a crowd of like-minded girls to read magazines with, share fashion interests, give makeovers, hang out, etc. These misfits were into the normal teenage stuff like I was, but something about them still isolated them from the other kids, which was why I thought I would fit in with them.
And then in my adulthood I've had people my age arrange meet-ups without even attempting to include me, even though they knew me well enough. It just hurts. It hurts like anything. I thought things would change once I got to adulthood, as I've gained more social skills too and I can appear as NT with a few small quirks, but I can still express compassion and I have a warm bubbly personality. What more do people want? A gold mine?

And I can see people not turning up to my wedding. It happened at my grandmother's funeral. I worked with some people that were middle-aged but they knew my grandmother, and they were eager to come to the funeral service. They asked me where and when it was and I gave them the details, and they were so determined. But they never turned up at all. I'd have thought at least one of them would, to pay their respects. So that hurt. I can see it happening at my wedding too. People seem to have more important things to do than to turn up to any events that are to do with me. But if that was anyone else, they'd show up. That's what hurts.

I don't think it's all about you, Joey, necessarily. People these days are extremely rude sometimes with social invitations etc. I am old so I see how things have changed. People just don't seem to follow what we used to call good etiquette. They are unthinking and carelessly cruel, not realising how much it hurts. Don't take it all on board as being something you are doing wrong. Well, I suffer the same thing too - people just don't seem to like me very much. But I focus on the people that do like me and I enjoy the company here on WP. Most importantly I have learned that I need to like me. I'm not saying you don't - I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this social isolation. ((hugs))

In terms of an important social event, like your wedding, I would make sure that I keep it on people's mind so they don't forget. You have to really nag to get the RSVP's but if an event is catered it makes sense to know the exact numbers.

okay. im sorry for not being here, thankfully others were. it all happened after i went for sleep.
now, joe, i am happy u got out of that spike, but can we try to attend to those issues?

there is a difference at "who is a friend" perception. some use that word to call anybody they know and can do smalltalk with. somebody (like me), only the people who had faced me in all sorts of meltdowns, know my bad secrets, deal with my mute strikes and still stick around, ready for more. so it often happens that somebody calls me a friend, and i reply with all my autistic bluntness, "we are not friends, at least yet". because a friend is important identification of a person i can trust for real. so ur cousin could just say "friends" about somebody they actually barely know. because that would make them feel better.

next moment, all my friends are met in cyberspace. each and every one of them. and only one out of my current friends i've met in body. everybody else lives everywhere across the world, so i've seen there photos, but never met them in physical world. this doesnt change anything, see. emotions are real. support is real. yes, i require an internet connection to see them. i'd never had met them otherwise and would live in total lonelyness, because none of my met-in-person peers ever had been anything but a casual talk level.

internet liberates us, Joe. it practically takes away all our handycaps, putting us on even ground with allistics, letting us participate in everything we wouldnt be able to handle in body presence. ya, i am preaching that thing all over, because that is how my life has anything in it. i wouldnt have friends if not for internet. i would've never met my spouse. some allistics say, its all only games without real face-to-face act. they might be right for themselves, but generally they are wrong. as long as the person on the other end is real, everything that happens between u is real as well. only that its done in text (personally i have huge problems with vocal communication at all times, and it shuts down completely more often, than is safe). so yes i am disabled, and internet allows me to get right past my disability and have a life. even if my body is just plugged in this chair with a lot of sitting assists on it. u are here on this forum, its full of life and u are part of it. nesessery part of THIS society, please note this. its real.

and i cant count by now, how many potential friends (or even ppl i called that) had left me across the years. i dont count, i focus on those, who weathered everything. and i genuinely believe, that even 1 friend is a LOT, given my definition of a friend. my relationship with each of them is unique and each of them is a treasure i cant lose. and then there is a new person in my viccinity, who also could become a friend. it took a lot of faith leaps, and falls, to get to this point. years of slowburns, momentarily breakthroughs that changed category from "this person is good to hang around with" to "friend", painful breakups i'd been recovering from for months. in body, i am just sitting here, my hands on keyboard...

now, to wedding stuff. i cant tell u what a good wedding is like. mine was attended by 1 person (not counting me and my husband), and i actually would have liked it to be 1 person less. it was my mother, who came and inflicted a bride's flowerstuff on me when i totally asked her to not-do that. we were wearing casual cloths and wanted to just do it, go eat in a cafe and go home have some fun. but ya a bride has to have f*****g flowers, even when she just is sighning papers to officialize her have-been-thru-hell-togather-allready relationship. and f**k that bride's oppinion, ya. i mean, if u dont find that way suitable for u, i am not saying its an ultimate way. but do u rly want a lot of ppl messing around, possibly causing u to meltdown? i knew for long, i cant handle gatherings. please consider something, anything, very custom-setup for ur needs.

now, to conclude. yes, aspergerian life isnt easy. but livable. and sometimes very fun if organized right, using all the modern tech to compensate for things u cant do. ur problem is that u drive urself to "be like allistics" and that is self-destructive. i have actually attempted, joe. and sometimes i get cramps to attempt again. and a "non-real over the net" friend is allways ready to pick me up when i need it. because i've got them, because i trust them. method of communication doesnt matter, emotions do. please consider this. from what i see, u have friends right around here. and maybe they feel sad that u dont acknowledge them?

Serpentari has just taken a long time and a lot of words to provide a good explanation and example of what friendship is and what we can do as aspies. What she writes is true.

thanx for validation, blazingstar)

To Joey, for whatever this is worth, a little personal trivia: my husband (long dead) and I got married in the small stuffy office of a Justice Of The Peace in Cambridge, Massachusetts when we were both stoned. No one knew. No one cared. I didn't even care. Sad.

This said, I am recently beginning to catch a glimpse of how the habitual way the brain works plays into what I am experiencing, especially when it's negative: I feel a certain way and then thoughts pop into my head that go along with it, or I think a certain way and then these feelings come up that coincide. Odd how that works. Also, some of the stories I tell myself are suspect. I used to have a story that I was so traumatized by my childhood I didn't learn to smile until I was in my thirties, and then a few years later, after telling this story to sooo many people, I found a picture of myself when I was a teenager and used to teach arts and crafts to children in a community center, and I was smiling, a natural, happy smile. This is not to discount my genuine unhappiness at the time, but things weren't so cut and dried. A very recent story is that I have had a horrible, wasted life. I started really getting into the mud of that one, but then something musical happened that caused me to remember the many years I was an amateur musician and had so much fun jamming, sheer unadulterated fun. In fact a lot of things were pleasurable. I always liked eating.

This is not to suggest that what you're experiencing is not real, but rather to share that for me certain perspectives have temporarily taken over. Do I wait until that happens again or is there a way to prepare for it ahead of time? Recently this impulse to start screaming (and never stop) was taking me over big time, and that was really very terrifying, plus yesterday my boyfriend had a stroke, and today I have to try to get him transferred to the VA Hospital. He was kind of helping me a lot financially, and this shoots my plans to hell (plus I care about him, too). Anyway, things are going waay different then expected; stuff is just happening, and I need to interact with it. Not fun; it bugs me, but maybe it will be not be like I think. The mind is already starting to make a negative story, but here's a different story: I DO like the cafeteria at the Veteran's hospital and it is always fun to go there. They have good pizza.

traumatic amnesia, multiple forms. u are not the only one, littlebee (and lets go to panic attack thread with that when u are ready, so we dont hijack Joe's thread when we allready have a place to work at)

Thanks for the wake up call. I knew I was going to eventually encounter some well-intended literalism when I came back to WP, and that's ok; however what I wrote was not about me, per se, but for Joey, every conscious word and breath of it, and meant to be read and understood comprehensively. Hopefully you will catch on to my writing style.

Also, Work for me is where I AM, not where someone else tells me it is, and it is not about my own subjective BS. You seem to be using "work" as some kind of therapy terminology, which is fine, but to me it is something else. Peace out.

sorry about it) didnt mean to break ur borders. i perfectly understand the relation by experience (given that its my primary method), i just got alarmed and jumped on the case (given that i allready did everything i could for Joe for now). and yes, u understood me correct. sorry again. saw the flags, couldnt miss them, will do my best to be less intrusive in the future. also will stop derailing the thread now) (sorry Joe)

I do feel like I'm going to cry at any minute. One girl keeps snapping at me at work, like I'm one of those slow-witted people you would lack patience with. I am feeling quite fragile at the moment, and also when I'm depressed I am slower at taking in instructions or orders. I wish I could just work alone tonight so that I can do things my way and be as slow as I like, but the boss has a job that requires us both to do it together. My head just feels blank, I think it's my brain's way of blocking the bad thoughts, but the trouble is it's also blocking the thoughts I need. A bit like when you take antibiotics to get rid of an infection, and not only they kill the infection but they also kill the good bacteria in your stomach, causing diarrhoea or other issues. That's just an analogy.

that is why u take support meds with both those things, Joe. for antibiotics, its linex at least. for antidepressants, its glycin if nothing else. also vitamines. and then u need ur stimming, without stimming mind starts feeling like... emm... well wrong. what is ur preferable stimming method? i never saw u writing about that...

I have a hot bubbly bath and soak in it for an hour or more, with a magazine or my phone.
Or I watch a DVD, preferably a funny one.
I like to sleep to escape, although sleeping too much does cause temporary insomnia.
I write stories, play on the Sims 2, watch YouTube videos, go on Facebook and WP.
I talk to close family or my partner about how I feel.
Are these stimming methods?

^ This is me too. I only feel "normal" when I'm alone.

I hope you feel better Joe90!

Will this help cheer you up? It's an uplifting instrumental.

to me, a hot bath qualifies totally, playing does partially. BUT please note, that i am just 1 aspergerian and i might be wrong. generally stimming can be very different, but it has to well, press some of ur buttons, interact with some certain type of ur receptors, that need additional input. such as, i am a sound/kinetic/tactile stimmer. so reading wouldnt qualify, while watching something just might. maybe just maybe, if u well, wave something around, or fiddle, or just touch smth fluffy, it would do u good (i suggest that, given that u like baths). an autistic neural system just needs extra regulation to work properly, same as an overclocked bc needs extra coolant units. so, protect ur oversensitive senses and stim (engage) ur less sensitive ones, its a basic need for us

I use to feel like this, I tried to kill myself one time and I even wrote a suicide note. I honestly didn't thought I would be alive at 21 but the best thing to do at this situation is to find a escape and maybe use it to better your situation. Like music has been that for me and I am in the process of making music to better my situation.