I need to talk to someone who understands

Post Reply New Topic

In New York State, and probably most of the country, if they are married, the bank/mortgage lender will take the LOWER credit score as the qualifying score.

If a wife has a 730 and a husband has a 560, they will take the 560, and disqualify the couple from the mortgage. For all intents and purposes, a credit score below 620 disqualifies anyone from a standard mortgage.

But then I'm thinking: were they married at the time they applied for the mortgage?

I'll let yogi answer that, but she's been married two years and they just closed the house deal very recently. It seems she was married when she acquired the mortgage. yogi, please do not leave your husband or file for divorce, or even insinuate that you are going to divorce him until you have professional counsel. I've been here and done this. It can be disastrous. I'm sorry to sound alarmist, but I learned by the school of hard knocks how vicious domestic law can be.

Some mortgages / real estate acquisitions have a short period during which you can change your mind or back out. Look into this carefully without delay.

Your other option of remaining in the house (but separated) is a last-case choice. It won't resolve your financial obligation to the mortgage, which is likely amortised for 25 or more years. I don't know how much downpayment you have in liquid assets, but that's another consideration if you think of making a fast sale.

Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 06 Feb 2019, 10:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

That's why I feel something shady's going on.

It's standard practice for banks to use the lower credit score from amongst the spouses in their underwriting decisions.

Isabella is right. Consult a lawyer before making a definitive decision about getting a divorce.

From what you've stated, if you don't pay on the mortgage, you will be held in default----which would result in your credit score being in the toilet for the next seven years.

I once co-signed with somebody on a loan. That somebody defaulted on the loan (so I defaulted on the loan as well)That put my credit score in the toilet for a long time.

I'm so sorry you're in this mess now. I've been in sort of similar messes previously. It doesn't mean you're not a smart person. It might mean you were so smitten that you would do anything for a person.

Consult a lawyer re: divorce, but be cautious that lawyers are shady too. They will give you false confidence to earn your retainer and your case. It's never as simple as they make it sound, and they will cost you at least one or two year's salary if you have a divorce trial arguing about assets. Your husband sounds rather narcissistic, so I wouldn't deny this possibility.

Before you even think about the divorce, you have to deal with the mortgage issue and sell the house or change the terms by having him buy his share. Get the mortgage and your personal financial security protected. Do not commence a divorce while holding this mortgage. Tell the bank you are autistic and didn't understand. Get an advocate (women's rights or disability services) to support you and explain what is happening.

It's easy to file for divorce in the heat of discord, but make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you consider such a big step. Likewise, don't just sit around in an unhappy marriage. The faster you can approach the bank and get advice on that mortgage, the better you'll feel.

Thank you.

We have both been verbally terrible to each other, and we are both to blame for this disaster. The only times he will ever admit it, is if I specifically point out a huge problem that he did (like max out all of his credit cards, twice), and he will only admit by saying "well it's 50/50." He refuses to take responsibility for his actions, he's got to make SURE that I know it's my fault too. Except I've literally said "yes this one's my fault, I overreacted," but he still feels the need to strongly reiterate that I'm also at fault.. it's just pointless now. He can never say he's done something wrong, and end it there like a responsible adult. It's always because I did something first...
A couple years of this has warn me down. As far as apologies, I have to basically beg for them.. he doesn't offer them out of remorse.

Him and I both have done quite a lot of research on narcissism, and I don't think he is, to be honest. I think it's low self esteem, pride, or denial just getting in the way of him humbling himself and seeing his actions for what they are. And we are both extremely stubborn people so that doesn't help the case. I just don't get why he says that I'm the immature one, I'm the one who has "no experience in long term relationships," and since I have aspergers, I'm the one putting strain on the relationship. When in reality, he has zero financial skills, zero personal skills (not that I have any either), zero skills in responsible adulthood, etc. He doesn't see his flaws.. but when I point them out he will say (every now and then) "Yeah yeah yeah we all have stuff to work on, I'm flawed, I have things I need to change" but when I ask him what he's willing to work on he can't come up with anything and gets mad. Or if I ask him what he's done to try and change something, he won't respond. Another thing about the blaming, he says "well I don't see anyone else in this marriage, I don't have another wife to blame" and looks around trying to make me feel dumb. Finally the other day I said "YOU are the other person in this marriage. YOU. You can blame yourself."

And I agree, there's no teamwork, and that is not sustainable. I've been dragging this relationship along by myself far too long and I'm done. He has shown that he doesn't want to put work into many things. Only the things that bring him personal happiness (e.g. brewing beer). He'll gladly research ways to make his batch of beer better the next time, but he can't search for ways to have better communication on his part.

I'm trying not to let it get to my mind but it's like a constant wearing down.. sorry this ended up turning into a serious rant.

It's because of my credit. His was destroyed because he's irresponsible. It's as simple as that. I wanted the lowest interest rate, and I didn't want my name associated with his because I would get a super high rate. Plus, if I left him up to paying it, MY credit would get affected by it due to his lack of paying on time.

In most states, he maxing out on his credit cards is not your responsibility. It's his responsibility, totally.

The guy is just not suitable for you if he talks about it being "50/50" every time he screws up. He's a screwy guy, in general.

I understand about the lower interest rate. Of course I do!

If a person has a credit score lower than 620, the person is usually not qualified to be approved for a mortgage. Generally, the bank or mortgage lender uses the lower of the two composite credit scores as the qualifying credit score. If myself and my wife would apply for a mortgage in New York State, and I had a credit score below 620, we would not be approved for a mortgage, regardless of my wife's credit score. They wouldn't care how fiscally responsible my wife is.

Unless they only used YOUR income, and left his income off entirely. Then it's possible that the house could be only under your name, and not his.

I would agree that you should consult a disability advocate/lawyer before you consult a divorce lawyer. You have to get your name off the mortgage if you want to divorce this guy. You are the only one financially responsible.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 06 Feb 2019, 11:31 am, edited 2 times in total.

That is correct. Yes we literally just bought the house. And it's the same way, all across the board. My average was 802, his was in the very low 600s. We went with mine, instead of having his credit score affect the interest rate (I don't think he even qualified). He paid the down payment, from a previous home he bought before we were married. According to the state, it doesn't matter who paid what because the deed is in both names, and neither one of us can kick the other out by law.

Yes! Also, financially, I'm paying way more than 50%.

Divorce law won't care if you're paying 100%. They won't care about the reasons for your divorce, either. They don't care about "he said, she said". All they will look at in divorce is splitting the assets 50 - 50, and providing for the children. You don't have children as far as I can tell, so all they will do is give him half of the house, which you will pay for 100% according to the mortgage. I know it's scary, but I would stand up right now, go to the bank, and start trying to cancel the mortgage. Have a meltdown if you need to. Every day matters at this point.

Hugs.

Thank you for your concern. No matter what, I knew what I was getting into with this home. Worst case scenario, we keep paying for it and live separate lives. I am very certain he would not let us lose the house whether we were married or divorced, because he has about $38k sitting in the equity right now.

What state are you in?

If you don't want to name your state, do you know if you're in a "community property" state? There are 41 "common law" states and 9 "community property" states.

How much was the house in total?

$38K could be a lot----or could be very little.

Who provided the equity?

You don't want to live separate lives in the same house for the duration of a mortgage. That would become emotionally abusive for both of you, as you would still have money arguments and issues about dating other people, paying for repairs, etc. Have you already moved in? Has he signed at least a Promissory Note to you, indicating he owes you half of the mortgage in a private financial arrangement? You can print Promissory Notes from the internet and have them witnessed. It's a start, at least. You said you were going to file for divorce so I can't see how "staying in the house with him" and "continuing to pay for the house" are going to help your predicament. It will only give him more claim to 50% when he eventually leaves.

We're an "Equitable Distribution" state, it's basically a community property state. And that is a lot for him. The payment was his from a previous home he sold. Quite honestly I don't care about getting any money from him or the house, that's not my goal.

So the deed is in both names....but you're the only one financially responsible for it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I believe Isabella's advice is the most sensible advice.