Getting used to depression?

Post Reply New Topic

Depression and anxiety are due to unvented stored stress that accumulates in your muscles and nervous system. In order to reduce their effects you need to vent this stored stress energy in your limbs (arms, legs and neck),

For example, you can relieve the stored stress energy in your neck (neck muscles, vocal cords and jaw) by screaming as loud as you can. But you have to do this in a socially acceptable manner. Never scream at another person. I live in the country and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about, I call my dog very loudly. My voice carries about a mile. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. You might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is a person on this site that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations in New York City. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. A fan at a rock concert can sing along at the top of their lungs. Or find yourself a soundproof room.

It hit again.
I'm trying not to dissociate. I'm trying to be here and now and solve what I can.
The problem is, I'm weak. A walk with the children and I'm done, under the bar again. I know I can get myself together and go on. I've been doing it for years. Ended up a total mess, legally insane.
So it hit again.
Sounds hurt. Touch hurts. Light hurts. Words hurt. Seeing people hurts. I walk in a zigzag without any drugs. Looking at stars make me feel slightly better. Capella near zenith, red Betelguese across the wall with blue Rigel, Sirius lurking from behind the clouds. It has been a cloudy autumn and winter, I saw Orion just a few times this year. Today the clouds are thin, you can see the brightest stars.
I don't know why I'm writing this but it makes me feel a tiny bit better. Stars are cool.

Magz, I'm sorry for your struggle. I also found children a severe test; and I eventually did take a medical leave from grad school and never went back. I wish someone in my family had encouraged me to do so, but it's a pretty laissez-faire family and nobody had any comments.

You are clear in your mind that your mother is not a typical narcissist. I wonder if you have considered the possibility that she has the Broader Autism Phenotype, in other words, some autistic traits. So when you have struggled, perhaps it made her very uncomfortable - which you interpreted as unlovable or as conditional love. If she is a little bit autistic, possibly changes in family routine were highly stressful for her.

I'm not strongly arguing for that interpretation. But when I started to look at my whole family as having some autism traits, their behavior made a LOT more sense than without that perspective. We all still had various psych diagnoses (my older sister was narcissistic personality disorder, for instance) but it was easy to understand how that interacted with autism; for instance, she could be very controlling, which I think was her way of making her environment more comfortable for her, while ignoring its effect on everyone else. With regard to borderline traits, the "splitting" may represent an autistic black-and-white thinking, self-harm behaviors could represent one type of stim, and the interpersonal shallowness and inconstancy associated with borderline personality disorder is consistent with autism's interpersonal issues.

I have no additional suggestions but I do sympathize with your situation. The paragraph about stars seemed poetic to me. What is your field of study in grad school?

Thanks for your reply, BeaArthur.
I suspect some members of my family to be autistic in broad sense but actually not my mother. She is one of the people claiming "obviousness" of social life, reading between the lines, etc. She struggles to understand my way of expiriencing the world when I'm finally finding the words to describe it.
No, the model that fits the data the best is centered on my grandmother and CPTSD. My grandmother, obviously Highly Sensitive Person, lived in Warsaw during WWII. After that she married (my grandfather died before I was born but from memories of him - he might have been an Aspie), had six children and... showed obvious emotional instability, I don't want to go into details but she caused her own children CPTSD. And I'm just the next link in this chain. When my mother saw my meltdowns, she freaked out because I reminded her her own mother and her own insecure childhood. And this of course made my meltdowns worse.
Genetically, I've got Aspie and High Sensitivity traits. Behaviorally, I'm most probably a link in a multi-generational chain of CPTSD. I hope not to pass it but it's hard work.

Thanks for your remark about the stars. I once wanted to be a writer, I'm still thinking of it every now and then but, ekhm, not enough mana to actually write...
My field is theoretical physics.

hmmm, u didnt mention taste and scent. can u try to use those senses for stimming? also, any sound or above certain volume? try taking a bath with comfortable temperature?
and ya, actually a walk with kid is something i barely ever can do, let alone last long. its hard work. check on ur brain's blood supply, and overall blood pressure. u might have problems in that area. there are tests that can show it. try massaging ur own head just as much as u can manage, small circular movements, pressing just as much as is comfortable. it can also be a migrain, there are meds that can cut that. spring is coming, and that is a huge b***h for anybody with magnetic sensitivity (which is likely to be ur case). also, try massaging the spot between ur thumb and index fingers, that is sensitive to pressing. just as much as u can handle. changing hands. yes, irritated senses need rest, but once u can do anything to them it could help overall condition. slack everything u can slack. do only the most nesessery, vital chores. try to plan them so u get them on different days, if possible. u have 2 children, they really could spend some time with each other while u get the rest u need. hold on. sorry for messed up post. please write back when u can, tell me if any of those helped at least a bit

Thanks.
I turned my laptop off so I couldn't answer yesterday. With smell and taste - I can't eat when I'm overstimulated but It's more about my stomach than those senses.
I took really hot bath, it helped.
I like to massage the place just next to the corner of the eye... and eye socket but avoiding pressure on eyeball itself. It may have something to do with what you describe.
Today the kids shut themselves in their room, turned cartoons on... I'm not to interrupt.
I know I need lots of rest but it's hard to manage.

cant eat, but can have a candy. taste stimulation without loading ur stomach) or, if u dont like sweet, could nibble on something like a lemon (or well anything, just to feel the taste). its good to know u got a bit better. ur kids are awesome. and yes, i very well know getting enough rest is damn hard when u are the caregiver. many a days i only manage as much as to drag thru it to lights-out time. its rough, especially during magnetic storms (esp given, that my kid is also sensitive to those). just hold on, give urself as much care as u can do, esp that ur kids can occupy themselves in a nondstructive way, thats quite a lot of help from them. everything is harder when u are low on endorphine. but it wont be forever. it gets better with time.

I hope you have a good day today, Magz!

My mother is here, came to help me because I'm weak due to new meds and my husband flew to California for two weeks...
Geez... I don't know if it's a good idea.
I'm too reasonable to self harm but I feel a lot like doing it... so I put the mask on again and act reasonably with very subtle ways of self destruction like deliberately eating too little...
I just feel like crying and never stopping. I don't even know why and what is going on.

I don't know what to suggest, Magz, but I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

I used to have a lot of trouble dealing with my own mother. Then she died shortly before I married and never met my two children. That was sort of a loss for me, but it was sort of a gain, too. She could be quite a difficult person.

Good luck.

You're such a bright person, Magz.

I hope you feel better soon.

It's getting to be spring. Soon, the trees will bloom in Poland.

Thank you for being here

magz, dear, u are getting triggered. afraid to have the person who hurt u in the past, close to u, when u are vulnerable. i cant help u physically, sadly, but u can write here, to me, or get on my dischord for emergency signals, so u are not alone with her. hugs.

I wonder...
I am so weak I have hard time getting up from my bed. But my NT kid came to me to ask me to peel a carrot for her.
Ask your granny, I said, I'm weak.
She said she is afraid of granny.
I asked her why and she couldn't tell.
I asked, is it like with daddy who shouts? Daddy is okay when he doesn't shout but you don't like when he shouts, right?
She said yes, it's like daddy, only granny smiles and this is what she is afraid of.

It made me perplexed, really.

whoa! ur kid is reeeally insightful!! ! and such verbalization too, she is a real wonder. nothing to be preplexed about though, a fake smile is really scary. and i guess thats the case. knowing the story. so ur kid feels it and tells u about it. i never look my mother in the face, and generally get PAs in her presence more often than not. but when i look at her photos (also not easy), its where i see it. smile, and cold, preying gaze. unless she was tired when the photo was taken, and then her expression is more natural and less terrifying. maybe let ur kid steer clear of gram, when u can afford it?

I argued with my mother. With a big rant & meltdown.
It made it better. She is trying.
She took the kids to her sister for the weekend. I was thankful for this. Her sister lives in the middle of the woods, it's something different after the city. I was left alone at home and I finally could relax.

It's silly, I can just sit down, play video games and read books and feel okay - but add any other human to the equation and I'm on the edge.
My therapist took a leave, she recommended her collegue but you know, starting from the beginning, introducing myself and my history took the whole hour, I didn't even get to my current situation. The new therapist said, first, she sees I supress tears that would be better off released; and after the short version of my life story, that she sees I don't feel safe among people. But this is how much time we had.

My husband is coming back on Friday afternoon. I miss him. He introduced the idea of unconditional love to me - I only heard of it but never experienced it before we met. His nerdiness makes me comfortable. He always tells me about engines and AI. I share the most interesting random science facts I dig up. That's our small talk