I feel like Asperger's makes me a bad person

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This is all the evidence I have:-

1. Crying and yelling at my family because the weatherman has forecasted snow, which means a disruption to my routine if the snow is thick enough, is most likely due to Asperger's, not only the unfair behaviour but also the anxiety of routine disruption.

2. My mum and dad both have a lot of siblings who all have neurotypical children around my age, and although they probably have arguments/conflicts/anger every now and then, it's usually still 'sane' stuff, where as my behaviours felt 'insane', and my mum felt alone in having to deal with my behaviours (outbursts).

3. I started Sertraline nearly 5 years ago, and I haven't had an outburst since. I've had angry tempers and panic attacks, but those are manageable, sane, and don't upset the whole household and don't involve me hitting myself in rage. I haven't hit myself since before I went on Sertraline, so it's easy to rely on the Sertraline to keep me sane.

4. When I had counselling (before I went on Sertraline), after 10 sessions the counselor told me that we just go round in circles, and I can't remember what else she said but she definitely implied that I am 'unfixable'. So that made me resort to meds too.

5. Bad experiences in my life have also contributed to some of my negative feelings I have now. Maybe I have some sort of PTSD, because of all the rejection and social isolation I faced from about age 10 onwards, and it all just makes me feel like I've only been treated this way because I have Asperger's, because seeing everyone else being accepted by the very people that rejected me is obvious that they only rejected me because I had Asperger's and so was different, so had I been neurotypical I would have been socially accepted.

So, whichever way you look at it, Asperger's is to blame for everything.

quote:

Due to my low pain tolerance, overthinking, extreme anxiety and severe emetophobia, I doubt I am going to decide to get pregnant. But I do want to get married, although I'm still not sure what sort of wedding I want.

damn, just saw that my post somehow didnt go thru. might be connection.
so. joe, everything u are writing says, that u really have been hurt too many times. the behaviour u are so ashamed of, is a behaviour of emotionally wounded person. its not just autistic. an allistic could have it all the same (and i've dealt with allistic ptsd subjects). it could be so very much worse, too. u are doing fine. but u need to heal those wounds. it is possible. being in severe, perpetual emotional pain, makes one extremely snappy/explosive. same as a person with physical wound would hit somebody, who had touched that wound. u need to acknowledge it. to determine what exactly is hurting u, u need to respect ur own right to feel angry for it. when one has outbursts over seemingly inconspicous things, it just means, that the real reason for their behaviour is not detected by them. when u know what exactly is hurting u, the urge to scream gets lesser. trying to dissociate from part of ur own identity is only hurting u more, too. u want to blame urself, but then u feel its wrong, so u blame part of urself. and its still wrong. please, assighn the blame where blame is due - on people, who had hurt u. i dont mean, go and give them hell. i mean, dont victim-blame urself. please. because thats what u do. trying to find what is wrong with u, when its just the suffering u've been thru. and u keep suffering that way. u should acknowledge those wounds, only then they can heal. joe, i know u dont like me much. i know i have no right to tell u what to do with urself. but i really worry, and i see u are going in a terribly wrong direction, so please forgive me for transgressing ur borders. please look for real reasons. u are awesome, and u are AUSOME. locking urself away is no answer. please.

exactly. they hurt u. and were obvious to it. and its not a problem with u, its a f*****g problem with them.
u might have been rejected, but u are not a reject
autism is a disability. but largely so, only because the majority choses to give no f***s and no breaks to us. when civilized ppl should be more mindful to needs of others, even if those needs are uncommon, that doesnt happen. its not rly hard to get past our perception problems - IF the other side is trying too. IF the communication IS a 2way street, and we are not forced to f*****g facilitate for them just because we are a minority. ya, i am being utopic here. ya, current world isnt and wont soon be like that. but its not our fault. and specifically, its not ur fault u met a**holes who had hurt u. they didnt do it because u are autistic, they did it because they are a**holes. and yes, we have to navigate this world of danger, we have to recover after having been hit. it is possible. i want to help u if i may.