I don't want to be anywhere

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Wow I’d love to be in a hotel right now. Try to enjoy it while it lasts!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Hurtloam. I know what it's like to feel crushed by shattered hope, and to wish you didn't exist.

I have been taking antidepressant pills for the best part of forty years. There have been a few times when I was doing so well I thought that I didn’t need the pills anymore and stopped taking them. And then I went on to muck up my life quite thoroughly! It usually took a while to notice.

I’ve changed pills over the years because my body became used to them and they lost effect and at times because of side effects. The one I’ve been taking for the last six years is turning against me and I need to find a new one.

I see the meds as an assistive device, like a cane. If I need it, I use it.

Advice I'm given that doesn't make me feel better:

"You're not alone. There are so many other women you know who can't find love. You need to just be friends and support each other."

Well, I'm glad I have friends, but it's like we're written off as unlivable. "Go over there and stop bringing us down with your loneliness." It's upsets me more that do many people I know are alone and hurting. Society is broken. People don't make connections.

Older women: "I don't believe in love anymore anyway. Just stop hoping." "It's not worth it anyway." "It's not as good as you think"

Makes me feel like life is empty and built on lies. Makes me depressed.

people do make connections. when they want to. maybe u are unlucky with who is in ur direct surrounding. and also, depression itself has a tendency for making u not-see the light. how many times did i fall, really believing at a moment, that i am so all alone, that i am so f****d up nobody can handle it, etc. just untill one of my friends remind me, in their own personal way, that this is nigh but paranoid delusion. they know i tend for that, and they never tire to pick me up. and dealing with me in that state is a total b***h, i am aware. point im trying to make here, i dont really know ur "reboot" buttons, i dont know how to get u out of that state. so im trying to talk to the person, who is being weighted down by her constant stress, emotional pain and depression. this is just a state. this can be fought and fought off. its not hopeless, and there is no tomorrow. i've lived years thinking i will never be loved, i will never meet somebody who'd love me, because well, the person i perceived as my found-and-lost soulmate couldnt handle me any more, so nobody else would too. then after another nasty fall and get-up somebody had just proven me wrong. and then im like f**k, how did i live my life without him? and just how f****d up my marriage was, compared to this... turns out my husband had contributed a LOT to my cptsd and i never saw it. before the new man came to bring the new capacity to my life. im not bragging. im saying, this can happen to u. age doesnt matter. u are freshly traumatized, and in a denial phase maybe (sorry if im wrong about it). but there just might be somebody behind the next hill. or next one.
when the road is too long to follow
when the pain is too much to swallow
when it seems there is no tomorrow
just hold on. just carry on.

It will pass, you are going thro the rejection thing.

You have a good social life and since you are not planning to make a family then you still have plenty of time to get a relationship.

I had a bout with depression 3 summers ago. I started taking Wellbutrin, it took a long time to kick in but in finally did after I got a job at Costco which I ended up loving, then the next summer the depression returned after I was fired from my job

I'm actually feeling a bit better now. Starting to claw my way put of the pit of despair.

good news are good. take care of urself