Not much to say but too much to think about.

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I wouldn't say there's any performance art in what I do, save for the ways I might deliver some news of broken software. I test & occasionally make development contributions to industrial 3D scanning software. We sell in the tens of millions per year but I'm an "intern" so I still get to worry how many months of rent I can afford all the time. I may well be looking for work by the end of January - I've been at two fortune 500 companies, but that doesn't take the slightest bit of pressure off me, if anything it just adds more.

I guess this is another thread about how much more effective I am among computers than people.

Likewise, folks such as yourself are a major factor in my decision to remain on WP lately. I'm a black sheep even here, so thanks for removing some stigma.

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Should I be decoding that? ^

I'm a lazy coder ~

Black sheep have interesting wool.

Glad you are still here cberg.

This is a good post, cberg

When I think back on the reason I was successful at ALL, with any friends, it was because the pond was so small. Our graduating class was like 50 people, tops. And that grew smaller and smaller, the older we got. That and the fact that beyond ADHD, I didn't know anything else was wrong with me, neither did my family. I was 'off the chain,' for lack of a better expression. Some of it was hyperactivity, some over-stimulation, some a wide open Amygdala... But, I did it with such wild abandon, zero self-consciousness (which wouldn't have happened if I'd known I was ASD), it attracted a few of the braver souls. I still have the same 3 friends, would have been 4 but one died.

I wish that they would do a life long experiment. Don't tell the subjects (us) that we have anything wrong with us. I realize it's folly, but I think us knowing has hurt us, in some respects. Now that I know, I am painfully self-conscious and 2nd, 3rd, 4th guess myself on everything.

I don't think ao. I wasnt diagnosed till late twenties as my parents did not believe in mental illness and were extremely delusional about us all (now better) and it was aeful. For instance being put in situations that were wrong for u because ppl are so hell bent on making u normal in their eyes. Effects n consequences of which not just linger but impede u for probably the rest of ur life.
Knowing gives a framework for understanding ur issues instead of having no awareness just a sense that life never works out for u in the slightest way
Also knowing helps parents who care manage situations to mitigate sensitivities n overload n pressure n teachers know what they r working with instead of not understanding
No confidence just incredible fear from everything adding up opposite of no self consciousness. A kid looking for ways to commit suicide from age 9 is not right

Huge diff between my level 1 asd sons upbringing n mine already despite him only being 3 .

Regularly beaten not just by bullies at school (canada only) but also home by brothers and parents inexplicably (to me) etc.

Lifelong issues result n the fact that i didnt know contributes to believing have to obey everyone as the only way to get by..no trust in self... causing huge issues .. Passing messed up genes to kids..wouldnt have had kids if knew as that alone wd be reason enough...being tricked constantly by XH and others..(law ppl)
Eg spending 10s of thousands (70000) because of the various issues being misled etc once knew fr sure had ability to take astand
... Understand... Some framework n vocab to use n research... Life improved enough that one can breathe


Parents thought only solution was to keep moving and so they did... Huge cost to family uprooted constantlu as they thought it was about environment fr me not instrinsic...etc
.

Medication alone changed my life drasrically.. No more car accidents frm too scattered a mind.. Not crying heavily at least 2 times a day secretly as was he case age 10 onwards... Etc.diagnosis helped procure that as didnt have any 'words' to understand anything. Just the outside world and feeling like floating presence, little self awareness .
Diagnosis (knowing for yourself) is a human right i think

In my generation, when autism was essentially unknown and female presentation had not even been thought of, I just struggled through and adapted as best I can. Stick that in with the 60s and all the weird different "lifestyles" and styles of dress and hair and being weird was not all that bad.

I didn't realize until I read a lot of posts here that I had been bullied. I didn't even know what it was. I just kept trying. I'm not sure it has helped me to know.

Over the past two years, it does seem that the posters in my generation have coped, one way or another, without the benefit of medications, ABA, special education, etc.

I have never had any true friends in the sense usually meant. I had some people I was "close to" in graduate school or now working in my field. But they have never sustained outside of the work/school/whatever environment.

I dont think if they were actually severe they coped rather either got institutionalized or neglected to where u will certainly not see them using the internet. Whether capable of learning to read n write or not
Like my XH's big brother (severe nowhere near as severe a case as my son ) no life no anything. Can read a bit but not write therefore not on forums like this to chime in and day hey yeeah life without therapy was good! Im glad i didnt get diagnosed and had no access to services and no friends or social contact as i go aroundasking everyone to put on my crush of my whole lifes fb to go thru her photos n having attended her wedding sad but no chance obviously at communicating the magnitude of my thoughts to anyone let alone her!
woo hoo what a life!


Or abused.. Or drug addicts .. And or homeless.

Many possibilities.

Hes lucky to where he has rich millionaire parents capable of keeping him with them in their mansion. many dont. What happens tgen.. My sis has stories frm working as an OT.. Same with sons ABA therapist where one of her clients is a man who was neglected not diagnosed by system gis whole life single mom still fighting fr basic help hence finally able to procure a diagnosis this late n trying to build a basic human existence fir him AND the mom who couldbt work or do anything due to severity of his autism n lack of help
Great stuff isnt it

what i wrote above has nothing to do with the thread i realized

I'll get back to this thread after more coffee Monday I suppose. It's good to recap my introspective madness & I want to thank everybody.

To Blooiejagwa: I could help find you a Volvo - not quite the cheapest things to run but they're the safest cars there are.

I have no idea what to do right now. I don't want to be at work in 10 hours but there's nothing for it.

Strange & ironic that I can't get hired for this autism thing with no chance whatsoever of a "mental health day".

I remember having severe work dread. Right now I have chronic mild (to moderate) dread. I read the book "No Blue Mondays" (or something like that) years ago and it was very helpful. There's a balance between asserting your own needs and meeting the "needs" of others ---- I know you like this job (enough); it has to meet your needs also. I had coworkers who encouraged me to "work less" and by golly, I got more for it. Corporations are weird.

I have to work on that. If I get lectured for being 15 minutes late back from Thanksgiving break, that is where I draw the line. I stood around in airports all weekend & had to stay off my feet this morning. I just did an anonymous survey posted by another engineer on my team about this. It was entirely about the very same problem of wasting energy doing nothing at my desk when I need to rest a bit so I can do my job at all.

Apparently corporations think autistic means capable of working in the same way as robots.