Losing Hope

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks for the sentiments.

I guess one of the major problems is I don't have an avenue through which to meet women my age, but I get the feeling that even if I did, there'd be very little chance of romantic interest blossoming on their end. That's how it's been when I've had opportunities to be around women my age in the past.

Karamazov wrote:

Yeah, I spent the entire age range you’ve outlined pretty similar.
Pining after one girl or another, convinced I would be single & miserable forever, convinced I deserved to be single & miserable forever.
And it was when I was your age I gave up on even thinking about romance, buried myself in Uni work.
Since then a small number of women (5) have found me attractive, none of them I sought out or pursued: the last of which asked me to marry her. (That was when I was 32)

I have a little germ of a theory that we come into our own in that regard later than NT men, but can be all the better for it in the long term: maybe we’re more mature at every stage and less likely to take them for granted... not sure of my thoughts there, but I offer them for your consideration.

Hope you find peace and contentment with yourself regardless of what happens on the romance front.

Thank you for your contribution.

I haven't had a crush or anything like that in about 5 years. More recently (last couple of years), I haven't really been meeting women my age, so there hasn't been an opportunity for me to develop an interest in anyone, but even if I was, I'd need a reason to believe that they were interested in me before I allowed myself to even start developing a crush on them, because I feel like there's so little chance of anyone, most of all someone I'm interested in, being romantically interested in me.

As for your germ theory, aspie men as an aggregate coming into their own later than NTs as it relates to love and dating seems to almost certainly be true. But then there are also those of us who never "come into their own", and it's impossible to know whether you're amongst them until you experience love.

I don't know that I'd agree that those of us who start dating later are all the better for it long-term. I get the feeling that my situation has caused irreparable damage to my self-image, and it's also lead me to cause irreparable damage in other ways, so I'd trade my love life trajectory for a standard NT's in an instant.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to find any form of true contentment until my fears of never getting to experience love are quashed, and that almost certainly can't happen before I experience love.

IsabellaLinton wrote:

I don't know what to say to express my empathy, but please know that I care.
I hope you can find hope.

(( Hugs from Is ))

Thanks Isabella. I appreciate it.

kraftiekortie wrote:

You’re a young man, Inquisitor. You’re a smart man, too.

And you’re losing weight.

I wish there was a way to know how you would look should you trim or shave off your beard.

I had a beard just like yours when I was about your age. It didn’t look good on me. I shaved it.

There is definitely hope for you.

Thanks for the compliments, kraftiekortie.

I've lost about 70lbs so far, but my weight loss comes after I gained a whole heap of weight in 2018 due to what was the worst period of my life, where I did some of that irreparable damage I was talking about earlier. I gained about 60-65lbs in less than 4-6 months, and then a little extra within the 12 months after.

At this point, I've made it back to roughly where I was before I gained all that weight in 2018, but even before I gained that weight, I still had a bit to lose. I'm still aiming to lose 20-35lbs, but progress has been slower since the start of this year, which doesn't come as a surprise since I expected it to slow down at some point. It's still a lot better to be where I am now than where I was 10 months ago.

As for knowing what I look like without the beard and with a shorter beard, I've never been a fan of both not having a beard and the way I look without it, and given my jawline is a lot more recessed now than it was the last time I was clean shaven, I don't want to find out how I'd look clean-shaven now. I had a short beard a couple of years ago, and if I had to guess, I'd imagine that that's probably my most conventionally attractive look to other people, but I prefer having the long beard, and if I didn't have a long beard now, it would still be in my future, so finding someone who's accepting of that would be important.

Amity wrote:

Now is probably a time that many are feeling the culminating pressures of a changed world and its bringing our underlying challenges to the surface.

I still see potential in you TGI.

Like many autistic men, like my partner who is autistic too, the big milestones seem to come later to those who are in the right place when the opportunities do come along.

Thanks for your response, Amity.

I think you're right about culminating pressures, but by the same token, Covid-19 isn't affecting me much in day-to-day life. I still have to go to work just as I did before, and I would just stay home the majority of weekends anyway, but it does provide less opportunities to meet new people (not that I was doing that before). I also think I could stand to benefit from therapy, but I'd imagine that therapists are only doing video call sessions right now, and I'd much rather do in-person therapy, or at least meet the therapist once to establish rapport. I certainly don't want to pay the same price for a Skype session as I would for an in-person session.

I think I have potential, but for the most part I feel like it's being squandered, and I don't know how to channel it appropriately in the more important areas of life, which is frustrating.

And that's the frustrating part - I don't know where the right place is.

kraftiekortie wrote:

I see lots of potential in you as well.

I wish you could go to University.

I wish I'd chosen better when I went to university in the first place. Now, I'm hesitant to go back, as I don't want to risk racking up massive debt to study something that ultimately isn't going to lead me anywhere. Not to mention that when I was at uni, I wasn't responsible enough to get most of my assignments done, and I screwed up my GPA as a result. I'm not sure if I'd be stuck with the same GPA if I want back again, or whether I'd get a clean slate, but I suspect the former is true.

blazingstar wrote:

(((TGI)))

I wish I could package up and send you hope. Hang in there. It does get better. And like other posters here have pointed out, you may meet the person you click with when you least expect it.

Thanks for the post.

The honest truth is I don't expect it to happen at all, to the point where I can't even fathom it happening, and if it did happen, I'd imagine it'd shock me into a state of utter disbelief. I could scarcely be more shocked by news of an alien spaceship landing on earth.

Anyway, thanks everyone for the replies.

Honestly, its responses like the above which led me to the conclusion that you are going to be a catch for someone lucky enough to have your heart. You're very reflective and self aware.
Re the right time, I can only talk about what that means to me... After I recovered from a messy marriage I gave up on the idea of men ever again, but some beautiful autistic souls restored my belief that at least there are some good guys in the world.
That is when I met my partner, I had healed enough to be in the right place/a state of wellness that I had control over, so that when he came along I knew I had to finish healing to make sure we were sustainable.

I have never been one to go out of my way to do things that provide opportunities for the sake of meeting new people. I met her playing a video game and we became friends then not long after best of friends and later after we had gotten to know one another it turned into a romantic relationship. I understand that at the time it was a rather unorthodox way to meet the love of your life, but I imagine that sort of thing happens a lot more today than in the past. Before I met her I had never had a girlfriend nor had I ever been on a date and I didn't go out of my way to achieve either yet somehow living my life set up a chance meeting that led to something I had only dreamt about happening to me. So you never know, probability could be on your side.

For what it's worth, this is how I usually feel but I know someone in the habit of proving me wrong, I may not be around her often but certain people can do a lot for each other just by virtue of existing. My downcast outlook isn't my nature & she seems to know that better than I do most days.

Thanks for the response. I appreciate the compliment

I'd certainly hope that my introspective nature could be an asset in a relationship. Unfortunately it hasn't been adequate in helping me get a relationship thus far, and I'm more and more feeling like getting a relationship is a pipe dream. Something that is achievable for other people, but not for me. It's pretty frustrating feeling like you have minimal influence over your own love life.

blackicmenace wrote:

I have never been one to go out of my way to do things that provide opportunities for the sake of meeting new people. I met her playing a video game and we became friends then not long after best of friends and later after we had gotten to know one another it turned into a romantic relationship. I understand that at the time it was a rather unorthodox way to meet the love of your life, but I imagine that sort of thing happens a lot more today than in the past. Before I met her I had never had a girlfriend nor had I ever been on a date and I didn't go out of my way to achieve either yet somehow living my life set up a chance meeting that led to something I had only dreamt about happening to me. So you never know, probability could be on your side.

I don't think it's impossible that I'll one day meet the love of my life, but given the abject failure I've had with my love life thus far, I have my doubts.

I also don't tend to be the type to go out of my way to do things that provide opportunities for the sake of meeting people, but as things currently stand, there doesn't appear to be any way in which I end up meeting someone.

I very rarely meet women in my age group. My workplace is literally just a handful of (mostly older) guys, so no opportunities to meet women there. The only places I very occasionally meet women through are friends and the trivia I co-hosted weekly up until corona shut all the clubs down. In both cases, most of the very few women I'd meet are partnered, and I'd be lucky to meet one new woman every 6 months in my age group (or in general) with all of my social avenues combined.

cberg wrote:

For what it's worth, this is how I usually feel but I know someone in the habit of proving me wrong, I may not be around her often but certain people can do a lot for each other just by virtue of existing. My downcast outlook isn't my nature & she seems to know that better than I do most days.

It's good that you have someone who at least makes you feel better about your situation.

But wait...you said you had friends. Long-lasting friends.

Can’t you gain sustenance from those friends?

Not with my dating problems.

I actually ended up meeting someone randomly on this site, but then only lasted a few months, so that is also a problem... you might end up meeting someone, even doing most things one does in a relationship, but then it still breaks down...

Friends can be more valuable than lovers.

I'd much rather have a lover than friends. Both would be optimal, but if I had to choose, it's an easy choice.

Ever thought of giving up on that goal (finding gf) and focusing on other goals instead? What about the other areas?

Depends if you mean giving up temporarily or permanently.

If you mean permanently, that's just not going to happen. If you mean temporarily, I've essentially already done that insofar as I'm not taking any direct action towards getting a girlfriend, though that's mainly because I've exhausted all feasible options I can think of without success, and so predictably, I'm not very optimistic about my chances with those options.

With other goals, it's tricky. I don't know what to try to get into career-wise, and I'm also not entirely sure how to figure it out. I can't/don't want to do much about moving out of home until I'm earning more money.

I don't know if you've read all the prior replies on my post, but I've been doing well as it relates to my weight loss goals, having lost more than 30kg in the past 10 months. I'm also doing fairly well with saving my money, having saved more than $25k in the past 2 years while working full time on minimum wage (which is $20/hr before tax here in Australia).

As for other important goals, I can't really think of any.

You may think I am trolling but I am not:

I mean permanently; just accept that some people are simply not desired by the opposite sex (yeah yeah... I know each woman is individual but in humans there’s a common basis of wiring; I strongly believe there’s as much herd wiring as individuality in humans - otherwise AS would not have existed as a diagnosis, but this is another topic).

There’s no shame in giving up and accepting it (meaning suicide is not an option); and in your case I think it’s the only way if you wanna stay sane.
You can do it if you find another purpose in life; in other stuff you like.

So... umm, your current goal should be finding this purpose(s).
What about a career goal? or some project?




That should be the purpose of this thread from now on.

Virtual hugs won’t find you a girlfriend; no post can. But people can give you ideas for goals (most importantly not gf-related and no false hopes).

one learning can beget another and another eventually things change . please do not make your life dependant on another human being... it doesnt leave a good impression on the opposite gender.
Being able to cope and be self sufficient is a acquired but admireable atttribute to acquire.
and if practiced daily one can be happy in their own accomplishments , HOWEVER SMALL or large,
and this maybe the very thing that will attract another to you .
am hoping you do feel bettter ..Its the small and simple things that are a direction to look at .. as written before me by some else
<its the simple things in life > just offered as a thought.

If you think I'm going to be receptive to this suggestion, then I'm not sure you understand where I'm coming from. I've thought long and hard about all of this, and I've concluded that there's no reality in which I'm going to find contentment with my life, and also never have a relationship. It doesn't matter if I end up with all the money in the world, a cruisy career and living in the lap of luxury. It doesn't matter if I achieve everything else I'd ever want to in my life, so long as romance is off the table for me, I'll never be satisfied with my life, and any goals or ambitions I might otherwise have become insignificant and meaningless. As it relates to me, giving up on getting a relationship is synonymous with giving up on ever finding contentment, which means there's no point in living.

So yeah, without any prospect of romance in my life, I literally don't care about anything else, so giving up on finding love wouldn't result in me ardently pursuing other goals, because there would be no other goals.

If I looked through some magical crystal ball and found out that there's no hope of me ever getting a relationship, assuming I didn't kill myself straight after finding that out, this is what would happen: I would immediately quit my job, go back to eating whatever I wanted , start getting high everyday, start planning my funeral and will, and then when getting high everyday and eating whatever I want is no longer enough to offset the anguish caused by knowing that I'll never experience romantic love, I'd kill myself at that point.

I've already decided that by the time I reach a certain age, if I have never been in a relationship, I'm going to kill myself. Getting a relationship and suicide are the only two options, and if one doesn't happen, the other will. There is no reality where neither happens, so that's what's at stake.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN ROMANCE.

Why deny yourself all the potential pleasures of life by placing such an emphasis on romance?

Yes, I understand your position—but there’s just so much more to life than a relationship with a partner.