My father died

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Your heart emojis say it all.
You are loved and we are so glad to be here for you.

Didn’t know how to respond last night, and still don’t: sounds like a very emotionally complex and contradictory time/event.
You’ve been in, and are in my thoughts. With sympathy

Blazingstar my deepest sympathies, may you know no more sorrow.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I don't know anywhere else I could get such warm and accepting and wise responses.

Fnord and Bender, I have felt a resonance in our family histories and that is comforting to know that I am not the only one. When it came up earlier in my life, I would say I hated my father and people would tell me, "No, you don't." As if they knew. Or they would said, "In order to get on with your life, you have to reconcile with him." Yeah, right. They don't know the sneaky bastard. I actually did try to reconcile with him when I was in my 20s. Just re-established a superficial but pleasant relationship. Then I realized he really is a bastard. I wasn't imagining it. I wasn't some screwed up kid who couldn't see things clearly. So at that point, I worked out that I don't hold him responsible for my life condition, now that I am an adult, and I just let him go. People don't understand you can do that, so eventually I just told people both my parents had passed away.
Now, that will be the truth.

I also realized that I needn't have worried about a last minute request for forgiveness, because he had also let me go, many, many years ago. I remember years ago, one of my sibs told me that he had been in therapy and the therapist told him to let me go, and get on with his life, and that is what he did. I don't think I even existed for him anymore. It is amazing what therapy can do for a person. (sarcasm)

The last time all five of us sibs got together was my mother's funeral some 25 years ago. It looks as if my remaining sibs (one sister died during hurricane Irma) will get together without me. And that hurts. There is no rational reason for this. I don't get along with the other brother or my remaining sister who has many good qualities, but truth and trust are not among them. That just leaves the one brother I do communicate with and visit every couple of years. He has a limited ability to handle feelings, but to my amazement, actually seems to be a pretty good guy. So, no rational reason for the hurt. I don't want to go to the west coast to see these people. I think it is just the old, I'm getting left out again, BS. I'll get over it.

To everyone who made the presence of conflicting feelings being "okay," thank you. I am pretty sure I thought there was something "bad" about it.

To everyone who sent hearts and prayers and good thoughts, thank you. I know I got them because I feel so much better this morning.

It is difficult to know what to say, especially in the difficult circumstances. Appropiate words don't come in my vocabulary, so I will just send a hug (Virtually as I am not there etc).

But I do hope all settles and everything goes well for your futures.

I apologize for not writing a reply before but I tried to several times and could not think of words and that was when you first announced it.

My condolences on you family’s loss, Blazingstar. You may feel numb for a while when a family member dies that you are not close with. That is natural to do so.

Sorry to hear what you're going through, I'm going through a similar issue at the moment.

^ I'm sorry you are going through some tough times. Take good care of yourself in the process.

I am back on my feet. I appreciate all the help. It certainly makes processing the feelings more illuminating.

Blessings to all of you.

{{{{{Blazingstar}}}}} From someone who has experienced the same.

Condolences to blazingstar, Aprilviolets and HighLlama. Sorry I got to this thread so late.

I was not estranged from my father but when he died, quite old, I comforted myself that he had had a full life and would not feel any more pain. But more personally, I felt like I was an orphan (though fully adult) and now "the older generation." It was long before coronavirus and we did get together for a delayed memorial service, which was beneficial.

Thank you, Bea

I am sorry to hear the terrible news, you have my condolences.

My sympathies on your horribly ambiguous family situation. I think you're right to be glad about skipping the whole reconciliation / emotional blackmail scene. One of my friends got hit with that, with the result that she had to spend weeks watching the death from cancer of the father she (quite justifiably) hated. He certainly wasn't doing her any favours- she was a mess for months after that.