Rant. Opinions welcome

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Narcissists are a fact of life, the challenge is separating from them and reconstructing your sense of "self" when you have been denied a voice from birth. As the saying goes "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Bender you have built yourself a happy and fulfilling life against the odds, I trust your judgement in knowing who needs to be distanced from your life.

Last edited by Teach51 on 16 May 2020, 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I support you, Bender.

Can’t say it better than what others here have said.

I do know Bender what strength of character, resilience and faith in humanity is required to reinvent ourselves following abuse and dysfunctionality in the family of our birth. I hold deep respect and admiration for you. I am so happy that you and Mrs Bender found each other and now are vigilant in protecting your family from the invasion of malice and manipulation. I understand this so well on a personal level and have learnt to endeavour to halt the enabling of such pathological and harmful patterns of behaviour in my own life. I don't always recognise it and sometimes even imagine it where it doesn't exist, but the awareness at least is there.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... it's true in the right circumstances, certain types of difficulty will lead to developing strength, some difficulties are just toxic and staying in them can cause you to crumble.

I remember thinking that the difficulties with my ex would make me stronger, but it broke me instead, I had been trapped by this person, fully caught in a snare. The inability to escape is what defeated my false sense of hope, but I waited, knowing that realistically my chance would come with the passage of time.

Fortunately due to the right change in circumstances this experience did ultimately lead on to being broken open and kick started the reconstruction of my sense of self. If it doesnt kill you, in the right circumstances, it might break you open.

Yes, remaining in toxic relationships can certainly kill you, if we are lucky to have the necessary resources to extricate ourselves from them we become more resilient, or maybe the resilience had just never been accessed before and is activated at a crucial time? Food for thought. My psychologist thinks I have extraordinary resilience.

Let’s make it unanimous.

Bender, I applaud your actions in keeping yourself and your family safe from this person. I am familiar with the pressure from other family members to make nice. The excuse that he can’t control his temper and that somehow makes it not his fault! Who else is going to control it?

I forgot about "he doesn't mean it", that's another classic!

Very relatable post and there's so much truth in it.

Yes, all bullies are cowards - it's interesting that, in theory, most people agree with this, but, in practice, they will often reward and even admire the behaviour. I've had the luck as a young adult to meet some strong people that had both character and spine and I've noticed they would never need to raise their voice, make a show out of their strength or play the macho game. It was a fantastic and much-needed lesson for me.

There are also those who press you to understand, feel sorry and forgive the abuser, it's a very insidious tactic using emotional blackmail very effectively. I dislike such individuals almost more than the abusers themselves as they are active accomplices: I often try to understand what drives and causes people's actions, both as an intellectual exercise and as a means of defending myself, never as a justification or excuse for abusive behaviour. Responsibility for one's actions still exists for unhappy or emotionally unhealthy individuals.

Children who grew up in this way pay a big price and it's something that in one way or the other have to live with for the rest of their lives. How we deal with it seems to depend on many factors, some outside of our control.

And thank you for your kind words in the other post, I feel the same way about you - you should give yourself credit more often for how far you've come along, even when you get some help along the way, you're still the only one who can do the "heavy lifting".

I was at least lucky enough to become paranoid about what partner I choose: it led to trust issues and fear of commitment but spared me further abuse.

The moment when you're actually able to free yourself is another tricky one, you have to be ready for what comes next: for me, that really required taking myself apart and putting myself back together which was an incredibly painful and quite lengthy process. This can be extremely dangerous if you're forced into it and don't have some guidance or support.

It also makes it really difficult to help others who are not quite ready to make such changes: trying to force them will only lead to resentment and relapses.

Thank you kraftie, you're a great example of a very compassionate person who doesn't engage in abuse enabling



Thank you.

What really bothers me is indeed the excuses. I've met people who really can't control their anger: they unavoidably end up losing their jobs or getting in trouble with the authorities which usually leads to them looking for help and often getting a diagnosis and treatment. I highly respect this as it shows they're taking responsibility and want to get better.