Advice requested: Being used

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Yes, so do I. These are challenging times.

I get it that it is a long progress. Took me a lifetime. But I had no mentors or knowledge. It could be the process takes that length of time even with a mentor of some kind. My anxiety is that you be okay. That is my problem. Sorry. I am not even sure how this comes across. Whatever I write, the point is to be kind and helpful. I am sure I make a lot of mistakes.

Spoons also to Teach and magz.

I promise you BlazingStar that I will be okay. I'm as tough as an old pair of boots or as resilient as them when I consider the experiences I've had in a short life .
That's one part of my inner self that I'm certain of.
This thread is to help me to take ownership of my actions that lead to me feeling used and to figure out my ASD related blind spots.

What/Who is Caitlin (80)?

From my understanding in this example of a completed energy accounting sheet for a young girl...
Caitlin could be a pet, perhaps a cat or a friend and miss Dani could be a doll or a character the child enjoys.
80 is the quantity of energy replenished by spending time with Caitlin and exactly balances the energy lost by not sleeping.

I would love to have a Caitlin, lol.

Another theme for me in being used is the idea of a "means to an end". For me the end and the means by which they are achieved must be in sync, harmonious with a shared value guiding both. I think though that many people rationalise duplicitous actions in the means and this is another area where I'm susceptible to feeling used.

I guess before extending help that has been sought by another, an examination of their actions could help identify their attitude towards the means and the end.

This may not be related, so if it isn't, Amity, just say so and I'll drop it here.

What if the relationship starts as a "benefit" to you (me, one half of the relationship) but becomes exploitive over time, and so insidiously that you don't know it, until the pot is boiling, so to speak.

How do you tell what someone's "ulterior" motives are?

Great question Blazingstar Its happened before, with my ex husband who became abusive. This change entailed for me at the time, him becoming something familiar, I mean my childhood was abusive. I believed when we got together that I had found someone different.

The thing is, that as a person on the spectrum that didnt know she was on the spectrum I had all sorts of extra challenges and I wasnt aware of their depth.

This left me very vulnerable to the anti social types with ulterior motives.

Self awareness, not in a critical way, but in an honest way makes a difference.

Being born a socially partially sighted person (to borrow a term), how do you know that your social awareness is limited, you havnt lived in someone elses body to know the extent to which you see the world differently. For younger diagnosed people perhaps they are told their limitations but that's not self awareness either.

The long answer short is boundaries, rules that protect yourself, as can only be a personal responsibility. The issue is self awareness, accurate awareness of the ways that a person is socially impaired. That's the part where we need assistance, how can you know what they are? Life can teach you, but the cost could be too high, learning it isnt on personal terms. For me it was on the terms set by anti social types and I have more to learn.

Hypervigilance kicks in to protect me these days, it's not ideal, but acts as a protective measure when I cant see a social danger and I'm about to repeat mistakes made in the past. Even with informed boundaries in place.

So accurate, self awareness informed boundaries are one way to protect yourself.
I mean if a person has had a less than ideal childhood, this will frame their view of what's normal, so awareness of that and also understanding how it can bias a person can make a difference.

There is a constant Chinese in the armour, to protect against that strong desire to connect with another socially, allowing for some less than helpful experiences shaping my view.

The emotions (I imagine based on my experience) that socially isolated people feel generally when they have what seems like a social success are very open to manipulation.

These days I'm cautious about taking risks socially, yes I still get caught out, but in manageable ways, I try to learn from them as it still triggers deeper feelings from the past. Most likely always will.

Like anyone with a disability who wants to live a sustainably independent life I need ways to protect myself, that rely solely on my own ability to self care.

I wonder though if it's a good idea to have flexible boundaries...